Mr. Curls Moves On

When I ended things w/Mr. Curls, I was sad for a couple of days. Then, I wasn't. I felt relieved and freed. I felt very, "Ah, that's better." It grew clear to me how much the relationship had been stressing me out and how much we really didn't have in common.

Mr. Curls called me the night we broke up. I didn't answer. Then he e-mailed me. The next day, he called me at work. After a couple of days, I flat out told him that we needed to not talk to each other for a few months.

Last weekend, he called. I didn't answer. His voice mail was something to the effect of, "We haven't talked in a while and I just wondered how you're doing." I played the conversation out in my head and realized there really wasn't any good way for it to go.

Option 1: "I'm doing great!" = He's offended & it rubs salt in the wound of the break up.
Option 2: "I'm having a hard time" = Open door for him to try and talk me back into the relationship. I refuse, we have an argument, nobody wins.

The day after I got the call, I told my friend Jenny about it. She looked me in the eye and said, "Don't call him back." Amanda called. I told her about it. She said, "Don't call him back." So, going with my gut as well as the input of two good friends, I didn't call him back.

Today, I saw that Mr. Curls had un-friended me on Facebook. How do I feel about it? Relieved. I'm taking it as a sign that I officially don't have to worry about him any more.

BTW: I have a bet with myself that Mr. Curls will be in a new serious relationship by Christmas.

Sex + DD

Here's the problem when you start talking about DD: A lot of people look at adults with DD and treat them like children. In their minds, an adult with developmental disability isn't really an adult.

Here's the problem when you start talking about sex and DD: The people mentioned above totally freak out.

Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of people who are very matter-of-fact about the topic. Plenty of people who recognize that pretty much everybody who has genitals wants to take them out for a spin every now and again.

By the way, did you know that we have evidence of fetuses masturbating? Bottom line, folks, you're playing with your junk before you're even born.

When I set out to do a sex ed class, I ventured into this controversy of perception of people with DD, issues of informed consent, and issues of liability. And here, I thought it was just a matter of blowing up condoms and talking about fertilizing eggs.

Enter: The Policy.

Let's Talk About Sex Bab-ee!

Okay, so enough with the pity part. It's time to talk about sex.

If someone had told me a year ago that I'd be gearing up to teach a sex ed class, I would have laughed at them. Me teach sex ed? Puh-lease. I blush at the drop of a hat. I blush so hard, I practically glow.

And yet...

It started out innocently enough. Part of our responsibility (as per the rules and regs) where I work is to provide sex education to our clients. I was curious, so I asked what we did to meet that requirement and the response was, "Glad you asked. That sounds like a great project for you."

Since I was still new to working with people with developmental disability, I asked to have a few of the agency's more experienced staff work with me so I could get their perspective. The first time I met with the group that was picked out for me, I went through half a dozen shades of pink and red as I explained what it was we were going to do. Here I was, sitting in a room with a handful of people I barely knew (or had literally just met) talking about sex. Definitely a first for me. Little did I know, that was going to be the easy part.

Writing Letters to the World

I rejoined my writers group last month. For a number of months, I've been feeling a bit of writer burnout, but I decided I had to do something other than sit there and not write.

Lately, I've been writing letters to a friend of mine (not the long-standing penpal). Then, this weekend, I wrote a short story from start to finish pretty much in one sitting. I'm not sure if it was rejoining the group or writing the letters, but I think my block has knocked loose.

Now I'm blogging again, too.

In the grand scheme, I'm feeling lonely and frustrated right now. The good point, though, is isolation and frustration are great for getting words down on the page.

The Melancholia

I'm glad I took my job and I don't regret the decisions I've made while doing it - not even the decision to take on a 2nd job in addition to my primary job (and, BTW, I really, really dislike the 2nd job). But, I've done what I came here to do and I've taken the job as far as I can given the constraints of the position.

Now I'm feeling the ceiling pressing in and I'm getting more and more frustrated with the politics - the place is very compartmentalized/cliquey. I've never been one of the popular kids and this job is feeling too much like high school for my taste. And, in the past couple of weeks, I've been personally let down by some of the higher ups in the organization. I don't want to be here any more. I decided, going into this job, that I'd stay here for 1-2 years. The 24th is my one year anniversary. This job has run its course.

I know exactly where I want to be. I want to leave this little backwater and move to the city I've spent so much time in. That's the city that made my parents move to this state (though, they've never actually lived there). It's beautiful. It's big enough to have cool stuff going on. That's where my writer's group is. That's where one of my best friends has moved to. That's where I want to be.

It's not where I am.

I'm in a little town, far, far away from the people I want to be with. I'm isolated, frustrated, and wrestling with self doubt. I've been in a funk for a couple of weeks. Try as I may, I can't seem to pull myself out of it.

On the bright side, I've decided that this weekend I'm going to ditch this town and either go visit my parents or go a bit farther (to the city I want to move to) and hang out at the penny arcade with a friend. I'm hoping the change in scenery will lend itself to a change in mood.

The Worst of the Four Letter Words

I wrote a story for my thesis that's about a man who essentially sews himself back together after his life crumbles. Stitch, by painful stitch, he slowly becomes whole again. I wrote the story because I feel like him a lot. Bits of thread and sheer faith that I won't fall apart.

Some days, it works better than others. There are times, whole months in a streak, where I don't even see the stitches. Lately, I'm feeling more threadbare.

I ended my relationship with Mr. Curls, but that was a good thing. In the end, he was still repeating the same patterns of thought and action that led to all the drama in his past. He thinks he's changed, but he hasn't. For a few days after the breakup, I was sad. That part didn't last long, because the relief was stronger. But, now, I'm left thinking about how, in the past five years, I met exactly one guy who liked me and I liked him back. Five years. What's wrong with me?

When I took my current job, I planned to be here for 1-2 years. Now that I'm a week away from my one year anniversary, I know that plan was the right one. I've grown claustrophobic. My search for a new job has so far yielded one, "We want you to come in for an interview, but we're still working out when," and half a dozen either outright, or implied, "Thanks, but no"s. What's wrong with me?

On Friday, my doctor sliced into my back, cut out a piece of me, and then put about a dozen black stitches into my skin to sew me back together. I'm in the mood to run. I'm a terrible runner, but the exercise eases my mind. With the stitches, it's painful to wear a regular bra, much less a tight sports bra. So, it's just me and the thread in my skin and the waiting.

I wait, and wait, and wait...

Colposcopy Results

Got a call from the doctor's office today. My colposcopy results came back okay, though they're going to have me come in again in six months. It's a relief, for sure.

Job Interview, Again

Yesterday, I got a phone call from the school where I used to teach. Over the summer I applied for a part time job there as the coordinator of the online writing center. After nearly three months, they called me to set up an interview. Too bad for them that I already have a new job.

I felt just the slightest twinge at the missed opportunity, then I reminded myself that the job was only part time and would have required me to continue adjuncting which would mean a huge workload (the coordinator job, plus three classes to plan, prepare for, and grade papers from) and lots of BS all so I could make about $1,000 a year more than what I'm making at my new job. The writing center job would have made me eligible for benefits, but my new job has better benefits, and when I move I'll have lower living expenses. In short, the new job's still a better financial deal overall. Also, among other things, this job is a change of scenery, both in terms of work and location and I was craving that.

Anyhow, the interview request was good for my ego. Having to turn them down because someone else already snatched me up didn't hurt either.

Long Distance

My job continues, as do the long-ass days that go with it. The good news on that front is that I've pretty much got a place lined up that I think I'll like. It's itty-bitty, but it has a yard and is in the process of being refurbished. The only problem with the new floors, new plumbing, etc. is that it's not quite done yet. So, it'll be a nice little place, but I have to wait a couple more weeks before I can move in, which means the long-ass days continue.

I'm nearing the end of the part where I take all the company trainings as a new staff member/auditor. I've written up a lot of notes and I've started making plans about where I'll start and what I'll do in order to improve the training program. It's cool because I feel like I know what I'm doing and I feel like I can really make things better.

In the mean time, Mr. Curls went off to his new job on Monday. This is the job that's about four hours away from where I'll be living as soon as the itty-bitty house is done. But, on the whole I'm more excited about him having a job than I am disappointed about him going away to have it. I'd rather have a boyfriend far away and employed than one that's ten minutes away with no job, no place to live, and no vehicle to get around in. The long distance thing isn't ideal long term, but it means a longer term than our relationship would have had otherwise as it's September now and we're still together vs. my earlier decision that if nothing had changed by the end of August, I was going to be finished with this relationship.

The timing works out okay, though. I'm so busy with the new job that it provides great distraction from worrying about the future of my relationship with Mr. Curls. What will be will be, and until then, I've got stuff to do.

Colposcopy

Today was the day. I got to the doctor's office, was taken to a room and told to strip down. The doctor who did the procedure was a new doctor who I'd never seen before. He was also a he. So far, all the medical professionals I've ever had look at the lady parts have been women. Nothing makes an uncomfortable vagina procedure better than having it done by a stranger. But, he was nice and professional and the whole thing was done quickly.

At the end, he said, "It'll be a few weeks before we get the lab results back. From what I can tell just by looking, I think we're looking at CIN1 or CIN2 cells."

"What does that mean?"

"CIN1 means we won't do anything yet. A lot of times the body will take of those on its own. CIN2 means you'll come back and I'll do a procedure to remove the abnormal tissue. If it was CIN4, that'd mean cancer."

Again with the waiting. But, at least it's not immediately scary.

First Week at the New Job

Waking up at 5:30 a.m. is rough when you're used to waking up at 8:30 a.m. Driving almost an hour and a half to work and then almost an hour and a half to get home is also rough.

I've been pretty wore out this past week, but it's been a good week. The people have been nice and very welcoming. I think I'm going to like the job, and I may have a new place to live lined up.

It feels like this is what I've been working up to the past few years. It feels good to finally have a grown up job.

Just when I thought this summer couldn't be any more of an emotional roller coaster, I got a call from my doctor. I missed the call last night and got short, and incredibly vague, message, "I need to speak with you about your test, please call me back."

My mind immediately went to worst case scenario mode and I had a hard time sleeping last night because of being stressed out.

This morning, I called the doctor's office. After a little bit of phone tag, I finally spoke with her around noon.

"Your pap smear showed abnormal results, so we're going to do a colposcopy." She explained what that was, and told me her nurse would give me a call to schedule the procedure. It was a pretty short conversation, but left me shaken up. The first thing I thought of was the history of cancer in my family. My dad's dad died from colon cancer. My mom's mom died from breast cancer. Neither was cervical cancer, but...

Now I'm waiting for the nurse to call so I can wait for the procedure then wait for the results after that. This sucks.

Mr. Curls was quick to say, "They're just checking. It doesn't automatically mean something's wrong. Until they say otherwise, don't worry." I really appreciate his support, because this is freaking me out. The worst part, as always, is the waiting.

Denied

Mr. Curls decided to go back to college about one month before the beginning of classes. That meant he had a lot to do in a very short time. He filled out his FAFSA online, completed his application, got a copy of his high school diploma... and didn't check the minimum requirements for the one school he applied to.

Minimum requirement = 2.0 high school GPA

Mr. Curls never planned on going to college, so he spent a lot of time his junior and senior years focusing on work and goofing off. So, his high school GPA = 1.9

Classes start on Monday and Mr. Curls' application was declined. Today he contacted the community college (which has lower minimums) and was told it's just too late.

Oh, for fuck's sake. Now it's going to be spring before he can start taking classes. In this case, the reasons are 100% his fault, no bad luck to blame. First, his crappy GPA from when he screwed around in high school. Second, he didn't pay close enough attention to the application criteria, i.e. the part that says "You must be *this* smart to be a student," nor, if he saw that, did he take proactive steps like talking to someone in admissions about a possible exemption. Third, he applied to only one school. Fourth, he waited this long to decide that a college degree was something he needed.

Too little, too late, and now it's months more before he can get started. Things are not looking good for the continuation of our relationship. Though he was offered a job 3 hours away, they're still processing his paperwork and he doesn't actually have the job yet. The good news is that he found some part time work for the mean time, but it's not enough to be a solution.

His decision to go back to school was encouraging, as is the job offer. But, until he's actually taking (and passing) classes, until he's actually doing the job he's been offered... In light of recent positive developments, I'm willing to give this relationship a little more time, but the sand is running out of the hourglass.

It Ain't Lemonade

Today I peed in a cup. Then I handed it to HR Gal so she could do a drug test. Good times.

I must say, I don't envy her that particular aspect of her job.

Drug test is done. There goes one more step toward the fancy new job. My official first day = next Tuesday, the 24th.

The Job Whirlwind (Part 2)

During the drive home after the 2nd interview, my mind was a wreck. I loved the sound of the job. I liked HR Gal and I liked Boss Guy. It was easy to tell that I was on the same page as both of them in terms of how we like to get things done and how we tend to think. Along with the job comes good benefits and solid job security. Also, however, comes a pay scale well under the amount I considered to be my lowest acceptable range (and that's with me negotiating a pay rate at the top of the range they can offer for the position), even accounting for the area's low cost of living. Oh yes, and taking the job would require moving to a town of 8,000.

All of this kept racing through my head. With this, there was the consideration that taking this job meant not taking any other job. What if I would have gotten a better offer if with a few more applications? What if my $40,000 starting pay is two months away? Or, with this job, after a couple of years, I'd have some really awesome experience to put on my resume. Creating a position from scratch? That's badass.

I got a headache.

In the end, I had to go with my gut. Faced with this offer, what did I want to do?

Friday morning, I called HR Gal and took the job.

The Job Whirlwind (Part 1)

Bright and early Wednesday morning, I woke up, got ready, and drove an hour and a half to get to my 10:00 interview. I was nervous. I was conflicted. Did I really want this job? Was this job really the right move? I kept warring with myself. But, the most important thing was to find out more about the job before I decided one way or the other. So, after an hour and a half drive, I let the receptionist know I was there and in a few minutes I met HR Gal, my potential new boss.

HR Gal was about my age, maybe a year or a couple years older. I immediately liked her and as the interview progressed (with a little hiccup at the beginning due to a fire drill) I realized that this job was right up my alley. The position title is Training Coordinator and it's a new position. So, I'd be relying on my teaching experience and building a whole position and program from scratch. A unique opportunity, to say the least. And it'd look awesome on my resume as I got further in my career. In short, I was sold. At the end of the interview, HR Gal told me that she really liked me for the job and that she would definitely be calling me back for a second interview next week. I told her I was on a time crunch and that I was available to come back as soon as possible for that second interview. That afternoon, she called. Could I come back tomorrow?

Thursday I met with HR Gal and Boss Guy. Boss Guy is pretty straight forward and very focused on doing whatever he has to do to get the results he wants. Among his goals for the organization, he wants to make sure that the organization is the most desirable employer in the area. One thing that means is that he puts a premium on treating his staff well and he's working toward creating excellent professional development. Both are plusses for me, especially since a training coordinator is integral for that second one.

At the end of the interview, Boss Guy asked me to step outside for a few minutes so he and HR Gal could talk. When they brought me back in, I expected them to tell me either that they were interested in me and would let me know their decision after they talked to the other candidates they were bringing in for interviews, or that, ultimately, they didn't think I was quite the right fit.

I came in and sat down.

"So," Boss Guy said, "we've decided to offer you the job."

She's Here!

Last week, my wonderful penpal, Camii, and her new hubby moved. Now, instead of living 5 hours away, she lives 45 minutes away. I'm super pleased :) She moved for school and will be taking classes to get her M.A. in Psychology.

When they arrived, I drove over to help them unpack the UHaul. I must say, I didn't know just two people could have that much stuff. Between the three of us, we spent three hours hauling things from the truck to their second-floor apartment and got them all moved in. There was much talk of, "Screw this, the next time we're hiring movers" and "Wow, we need to get rid of more stuff."

Over the next couple of days, my body told me that all that lifting and climbing stairs was a really good workout. My calves were sore for three days after. I still have two bruises, one on my left bicep and one on my right thigh, from boxes. But, the pay off is well worth it. Now, for the first time in eight years, she and I can meet up for the odd cup of coffee or lunch. I love it :)

The Job, The Job

Maybe you've noticed, but the current job market SUCKS. I've been trying to find a job for months, and my resumes and cover letters keep getting answered with... silence. You'd think I was a leper or something. Not a recent MA graduate with a 3.75 GPA and an assortment of good work experiences. I have a good resume and I've written some rockin' cover letters. *Sigh*

But, I've been staying focused on the idea that if I apply for enough jobs that I'm qualified for, eventually, by virtue of the numbers game, one of those companies will want me.

Last week, Mr. Curls was looking through the newspaper classifieds and pointed out an ad for a training coordinator in a town that's 60 miles away. I wasn't sure if I was really feeling it, but I can't get a job if I don't apply for jobs, so I filled out the application and sent it off via snail mail on Monday afternoon. On Wednesday morning, I got a call from the HR person asking if I could come in for a first interview on the 11th.

Life's funny. The first interview I get and it's for a job I applied for halfheartedly. But, the more I research the organization, the more I like the organization. The more I think about what my job would entail, the more I think it could be a really good fit for me. Right now, my main concern is about moving to a town with only 8,000 people in it. I'm not a big city girl, but that's awful little. Also, the town, as a whole, isn't doing so well economically. Is that really the place I want to uproot to?

On one hand, maybe this is the job I've been waiting for since April. On the other, maybe it'd be a bad move. At this point, the positives and negatives are pretty evenly balanced for me. If they offer me the job, I think, crude as it may be to say it, that the major deciding factor for me will be the pay. I've got some numbers in my head. There's the "nope" salary range, the "maybe" range, and the "oh yes," range. On the job posting, the pay is listed only as "Dependent on Experience," so I have no idea now the numbers they're thinking of will compare to the numbers I'm thinking of.

What I do know is that, all else aside, going through the interview will be good practice. Being called for the interview has been encouraging. Since I got the call for the interview, I've applied for seven other jobs. Sooner or later, something's bound to stick.

Bullet Points

Lots of things have been happening lately.

1. Mr. Curls' trucking job fell through. He had his license suspended briefly a while back when he was unemployed because he was unable to stay current with child support payments. Thus, no trucking job because of the suspension. Yet another aspect of his past that looks bad.

2. Because he ended his lease and put his truck in storage with an auto pawn company in preparation for the trucking job, losing it means Mr. Curls is currently homeless and without transportation (except for my bike that I'm letting him borrow).

3. After months of sending out resumes and applying for any and all jobs I'm qualified for, I finally got a call for an interview. It's a job I think I could enjoy, but it's about sixty miles away and in a town that's quite small - population 8,000. I'm not sure whether or not that's too small for me.

4. In light of everything that's been going on with Mr. Curls, and the general lack of having his life in order that all those things indicate, I made a decision. The decision is that, unless Mr. Curls does something to make a serious change in his life, the end of August is the end of the relationship.

5. Mr. Curls decided that after 15 years of choosing work over education, and with that working out so wonderfully for him, he's decided to go back to school and get his B.A. Today, he submitted his FAFSA and he's qualified for a Pell Grant.

6. On Tuesday, Mr. Curls traveled 160 miles to interview for a job. Today, he got the job offer. We've already talked about him taking the job. He's looking at schools in the area and planning how to do both work and school.

All things together, I think that between the job and the decision to go back to school, Mr. Curls' life is undergoing a pretty serious change. Most important to me is the choice to go to college. I put a premium on education and his decision to get his degree after so many years of being away from school is a great thing. It's also probably the single most important, life-changing decision he's made in the past two years that he's made for reasons other than doing what other people think he should do.

I like it. But, it's only the first step. Now he's got to sort out the move, get enrolled & registered for classes, and actually pass them. There's still a lot of action that needs to follow the decisions, but it's given me faith that this relationship will survive until September and that's a much better prognosis than I would have given last week.

Keep on Trucking

I've not posted in a long time because I've been trying to figure some things out all my own and not much in the mood for making those thoughts public. Now, things have somewhat worked around to an equilibrium again.

Quick sum-uption: Mr. Curls lost his job in May and has been working hard to find another one since. Thanks to the tough economy, he's mostly had no luck. The situation has made me question our relationship - not because I'm enamored with money for its own sake, but because having some financial stability is way important to me and this is yet another hiccup in his employment history. Now, the last-ditch job option is taking a job with a trucking company. Yep, that's right, Mr. Curls is about to become a trucker. It's oh-so-glamorous, but the $ is serious enough that it'd be a big step for him to get some stability and save up enough within a year to do things like hire a lawyer to deal with his ex(es) situation and get that sorted out. Also, it would give him enough capital that he could quit the trucking job and use his savings to begin what he truly wants to do by going into business for himself.

We've talked about it a lot and talked about what it would/could mean for him and for us and while I can't predict exactly how it'll go, especially since the work schedule would limit his days off to about 3-4 a month, we're going to do our best to keep our relationship strong.

In the past couple of weeks, with everything else that's been going on, some of the tension in each of us has eased and my re-thinking of the relationship has come down on the side of understanding and wanting to do my best to make this work. Amanda, not surprisingly, expresses her doubts. My pen-pal expresses hope. They're both right.

I don't know how it's all going to work out. I have to make a decision based on what I do know. When I'm with him, I feel happy and loved and like I don't want to be with anyone else. In light of everything he's going through right now, I know that he's got few choices and that if I were in his same position, I would probably make the same choices he has. I know that our relationship may not last through him being so far away so much. I know that I want to try.

One way or another, things are going to work out. I don't know how, exactly, and that may very well mean that things work out by me and him going our separate ways. But, we'll take it one little bit at a time and see where we end up.