The Melancholia

I'm glad I took my job and I don't regret the decisions I've made while doing it - not even the decision to take on a 2nd job in addition to my primary job (and, BTW, I really, really dislike the 2nd job). But, I've done what I came here to do and I've taken the job as far as I can given the constraints of the position.

Now I'm feeling the ceiling pressing in and I'm getting more and more frustrated with the politics - the place is very compartmentalized/cliquey. I've never been one of the popular kids and this job is feeling too much like high school for my taste. And, in the past couple of weeks, I've been personally let down by some of the higher ups in the organization. I don't want to be here any more. I decided, going into this job, that I'd stay here for 1-2 years. The 24th is my one year anniversary. This job has run its course.

I know exactly where I want to be. I want to leave this little backwater and move to the city I've spent so much time in. That's the city that made my parents move to this state (though, they've never actually lived there). It's beautiful. It's big enough to have cool stuff going on. That's where my writer's group is. That's where one of my best friends has moved to. That's where I want to be.

It's not where I am.

I'm in a little town, far, far away from the people I want to be with. I'm isolated, frustrated, and wrestling with self doubt. I've been in a funk for a couple of weeks. Try as I may, I can't seem to pull myself out of it.

On the bright side, I've decided that this weekend I'm going to ditch this town and either go visit my parents or go a bit farther (to the city I want to move to) and hang out at the penny arcade with a friend. I'm hoping the change in scenery will lend itself to a change in mood.

The Worst of the Four Letter Words

I wrote a story for my thesis that's about a man who essentially sews himself back together after his life crumbles. Stitch, by painful stitch, he slowly becomes whole again. I wrote the story because I feel like him a lot. Bits of thread and sheer faith that I won't fall apart.

Some days, it works better than others. There are times, whole months in a streak, where I don't even see the stitches. Lately, I'm feeling more threadbare.

I ended my relationship with Mr. Curls, but that was a good thing. In the end, he was still repeating the same patterns of thought and action that led to all the drama in his past. He thinks he's changed, but he hasn't. For a few days after the breakup, I was sad. That part didn't last long, because the relief was stronger. But, now, I'm left thinking about how, in the past five years, I met exactly one guy who liked me and I liked him back. Five years. What's wrong with me?

When I took my current job, I planned to be here for 1-2 years. Now that I'm a week away from my one year anniversary, I know that plan was the right one. I've grown claustrophobic. My search for a new job has so far yielded one, "We want you to come in for an interview, but we're still working out when," and half a dozen either outright, or implied, "Thanks, but no"s. What's wrong with me?

On Friday, my doctor sliced into my back, cut out a piece of me, and then put about a dozen black stitches into my skin to sew me back together. I'm in the mood to run. I'm a terrible runner, but the exercise eases my mind. With the stitches, it's painful to wear a regular bra, much less a tight sports bra. So, it's just me and the thread in my skin and the waiting.

I wait, and wait, and wait...

Job Interview, Again

Yesterday, I got a phone call from the school where I used to teach. Over the summer I applied for a part time job there as the coordinator of the online writing center. After nearly three months, they called me to set up an interview. Too bad for them that I already have a new job.

I felt just the slightest twinge at the missed opportunity, then I reminded myself that the job was only part time and would have required me to continue adjuncting which would mean a huge workload (the coordinator job, plus three classes to plan, prepare for, and grade papers from) and lots of BS all so I could make about $1,000 a year more than what I'm making at my new job. The writing center job would have made me eligible for benefits, but my new job has better benefits, and when I move I'll have lower living expenses. In short, the new job's still a better financial deal overall. Also, among other things, this job is a change of scenery, both in terms of work and location and I was craving that.

Anyhow, the interview request was good for my ego. Having to turn them down because someone else already snatched me up didn't hurt either.

Long Distance

My job continues, as do the long-ass days that go with it. The good news on that front is that I've pretty much got a place lined up that I think I'll like. It's itty-bitty, but it has a yard and is in the process of being refurbished. The only problem with the new floors, new plumbing, etc. is that it's not quite done yet. So, it'll be a nice little place, but I have to wait a couple more weeks before I can move in, which means the long-ass days continue.

I'm nearing the end of the part where I take all the company trainings as a new staff member/auditor. I've written up a lot of notes and I've started making plans about where I'll start and what I'll do in order to improve the training program. It's cool because I feel like I know what I'm doing and I feel like I can really make things better.

In the mean time, Mr. Curls went off to his new job on Monday. This is the job that's about four hours away from where I'll be living as soon as the itty-bitty house is done. But, on the whole I'm more excited about him having a job than I am disappointed about him going away to have it. I'd rather have a boyfriend far away and employed than one that's ten minutes away with no job, no place to live, and no vehicle to get around in. The long distance thing isn't ideal long term, but it means a longer term than our relationship would have had otherwise as it's September now and we're still together vs. my earlier decision that if nothing had changed by the end of August, I was going to be finished with this relationship.

The timing works out okay, though. I'm so busy with the new job that it provides great distraction from worrying about the future of my relationship with Mr. Curls. What will be will be, and until then, I've got stuff to do.

First Week at the New Job

Waking up at 5:30 a.m. is rough when you're used to waking up at 8:30 a.m. Driving almost an hour and a half to work and then almost an hour and a half to get home is also rough.

I've been pretty wore out this past week, but it's been a good week. The people have been nice and very welcoming. I think I'm going to like the job, and I may have a new place to live lined up.

It feels like this is what I've been working up to the past few years. It feels good to finally have a grown up job.

It Ain't Lemonade

Today I peed in a cup. Then I handed it to HR Gal so she could do a drug test. Good times.

I must say, I don't envy her that particular aspect of her job.

Drug test is done. There goes one more step toward the fancy new job. My official first day = next Tuesday, the 24th.

The Job Whirlwind (Part 2)

During the drive home after the 2nd interview, my mind was a wreck. I loved the sound of the job. I liked HR Gal and I liked Boss Guy. It was easy to tell that I was on the same page as both of them in terms of how we like to get things done and how we tend to think. Along with the job comes good benefits and solid job security. Also, however, comes a pay scale well under the amount I considered to be my lowest acceptable range (and that's with me negotiating a pay rate at the top of the range they can offer for the position), even accounting for the area's low cost of living. Oh yes, and taking the job would require moving to a town of 8,000.

All of this kept racing through my head. With this, there was the consideration that taking this job meant not taking any other job. What if I would have gotten a better offer if with a few more applications? What if my $40,000 starting pay is two months away? Or, with this job, after a couple of years, I'd have some really awesome experience to put on my resume. Creating a position from scratch? That's badass.

I got a headache.

In the end, I had to go with my gut. Faced with this offer, what did I want to do?

Friday morning, I called HR Gal and took the job.

The Job Whirlwind (Part 1)

Bright and early Wednesday morning, I woke up, got ready, and drove an hour and a half to get to my 10:00 interview. I was nervous. I was conflicted. Did I really want this job? Was this job really the right move? I kept warring with myself. But, the most important thing was to find out more about the job before I decided one way or the other. So, after an hour and a half drive, I let the receptionist know I was there and in a few minutes I met HR Gal, my potential new boss.

HR Gal was about my age, maybe a year or a couple years older. I immediately liked her and as the interview progressed (with a little hiccup at the beginning due to a fire drill) I realized that this job was right up my alley. The position title is Training Coordinator and it's a new position. So, I'd be relying on my teaching experience and building a whole position and program from scratch. A unique opportunity, to say the least. And it'd look awesome on my resume as I got further in my career. In short, I was sold. At the end of the interview, HR Gal told me that she really liked me for the job and that she would definitely be calling me back for a second interview next week. I told her I was on a time crunch and that I was available to come back as soon as possible for that second interview. That afternoon, she called. Could I come back tomorrow?

Thursday I met with HR Gal and Boss Guy. Boss Guy is pretty straight forward and very focused on doing whatever he has to do to get the results he wants. Among his goals for the organization, he wants to make sure that the organization is the most desirable employer in the area. One thing that means is that he puts a premium on treating his staff well and he's working toward creating excellent professional development. Both are plusses for me, especially since a training coordinator is integral for that second one.

At the end of the interview, Boss Guy asked me to step outside for a few minutes so he and HR Gal could talk. When they brought me back in, I expected them to tell me either that they were interested in me and would let me know their decision after they talked to the other candidates they were bringing in for interviews, or that, ultimately, they didn't think I was quite the right fit.

I came in and sat down.

"So," Boss Guy said, "we've decided to offer you the job."

The Job, The Job

Maybe you've noticed, but the current job market SUCKS. I've been trying to find a job for months, and my resumes and cover letters keep getting answered with... silence. You'd think I was a leper or something. Not a recent MA graduate with a 3.75 GPA and an assortment of good work experiences. I have a good resume and I've written some rockin' cover letters. *Sigh*

But, I've been staying focused on the idea that if I apply for enough jobs that I'm qualified for, eventually, by virtue of the numbers game, one of those companies will want me.

Last week, Mr. Curls was looking through the newspaper classifieds and pointed out an ad for a training coordinator in a town that's 60 miles away. I wasn't sure if I was really feeling it, but I can't get a job if I don't apply for jobs, so I filled out the application and sent it off via snail mail on Monday afternoon. On Wednesday morning, I got a call from the HR person asking if I could come in for a first interview on the 11th.

Life's funny. The first interview I get and it's for a job I applied for halfheartedly. But, the more I research the organization, the more I like the organization. The more I think about what my job would entail, the more I think it could be a really good fit for me. Right now, my main concern is about moving to a town with only 8,000 people in it. I'm not a big city girl, but that's awful little. Also, the town, as a whole, isn't doing so well economically. Is that really the place I want to uproot to?

On one hand, maybe this is the job I've been waiting for since April. On the other, maybe it'd be a bad move. At this point, the positives and negatives are pretty evenly balanced for me. If they offer me the job, I think, crude as it may be to say it, that the major deciding factor for me will be the pay. I've got some numbers in my head. There's the "nope" salary range, the "maybe" range, and the "oh yes," range. On the job posting, the pay is listed only as "Dependent on Experience," so I have no idea now the numbers they're thinking of will compare to the numbers I'm thinking of.

What I do know is that, all else aside, going through the interview will be good practice. Being called for the interview has been encouraging. Since I got the call for the interview, I've applied for seven other jobs. Sooner or later, something's bound to stick.

Life, By Definition, Is Conflict, or I Guess I'm Perfectly Normal

For the past two weeks or so, I've been stressed. I'm being pushed and pulled by a variety of pressures and deadlines (can you say Finals Week?) and I'm tense. Yesterday I woke early because of a stress dream and couldn't get back to sleep. All things considered, I've been thinking of one of the most apt descriptions of life I've ever been exposed to: life as a series of crises.

When I was an undergrad, I had to take some psychology classes. Overall, I really hated them. One of the three I took wasn't too bad. That class had the best teacher (the other two sucked). Still, psych classes = not my thing. It's not that I dislike the material or that I dislike the study of the human mind. More, I disliked the specific approach two of the three instructors took.

But, the part that stuck with me the most was Erikson's developmental theory. You can google it for more info, but the jist is that we, as people, are formed and become who we are, through a series of conflicts. Each age has its own special conflict, from infancy all the way until death. The important thing, is that, according to Erikson, our whole lives are defined by conflict.

Erikson fits perfectly from one of the basic ideas I learned in biology - life is a product of unbalance. All of our biological processes, like breathing, are constant while we're alive. Yet, the processes of breathing are not constant. There is a struggle behind each inhalation, then an exchange of gases because there's too much carbon dioxide in the blood, and then the oxygen is whisked off to the rest of the body. For a moment in between, when the gases are trading places, there is an instant where there is balance between them. But, that balance can't last. Your cells need that oxygen and your body needs to expel the carbon dioxide, and the balance is ruined. It is a necessary lack of balance, but one that cannot be held, so the teeter-totter swings back and forth, back and forth. When the teeter-totter stops, you're dead.

Right now, I'm in the midst of complications. Every good thing comes with its trade-off.

• In May, my MA will be official vs. I feel burned out and cynical about the experience.
• I finished all my coursework for getting said MA vs. that made me ineligible for the work study I was doing for two years and I had to start paying back student loans at about the same time I lost my work study job.
  
• I got the second part-time teaching job vs. now I have another teaching commitment with a different curriculum, different assignments, different supervisor, different campus, and different student body demographic to juggle.
• I'm happy for the extra income of the second job vs. even with it, I still lack basics like health insurance, and even with the second source of income, the combined total is still going to be pretty underwhelming, especially relative to the combined work load.
  
• I'm in a new relationship with a guy who treats me well vs. I'm intimidated by being in a serious relationship with anyone, much less a guy who's got such a complicated past.
• I'm soon to be doing some traveling to visit my brother and go to a wedding and I'm really excited about it vs. the travel comes with expenses, and I'm in a place where I'm stressed about how quickly the number on my bank account is shrinking, even though I know I've been planning for these travel expenses for months.
• I paid off one of my student loans in its entirety this week vs. that's nearly $2,000 all gone at once.

The teeter-totter goes back and forth and the crux of the stress is knowing that the path of my life has to change due to necessity. My biggest overall concern right now is money. I live frugally, but the money I make is even less. When I was getting student loans, I socked any leftovers away in a savings account so I could have a financial buffer. Over the past year or so, I've had to lean on that buffer and it's slowly, but steadily, getting smaller. Even living frugally, my monthly expenses average just a little bit more than my monthly income. My job is not sustainable, but so far picking up another part-time teaching job is the best I've been able to do.

What I need is a real, grown-up job where I can work full time, have an income that can actually support me, and have some benefits like medical insurance. The only problem is I haven't been able to find one yet. My job hunting so far has turned up a couple of possibilities, but one already turned me down, and the other is beginning to look like it'll follow suit. All of this pain and effort to get the damn MA and I'm starting to think my best career option is to get one of those jobs I could have gotten right out of high school - at least, those seem to be the only places hiring (or, I can redo college and go for nursing, 'cause they're hiring right and left right now). Kind of makes me wonder what the point of going to college was. What the point of getting the damn MA was.

So, yeah. Every resolution ultimately leads to new conflict. Life is crisis. I guess it's good to know I'm living, at least.

Chancing Rejection, aka the Job Interview

A while back, I posted about talking to the gal at the community college about teaching some classes there as well as where I'm teaching now. I was nervous. I've never been comfortable with pitching myself to people. The whole, "I'm awesome, wouldn't you agree?" thing makes me want to puke. Still, it's a necessary evil when it comes to things like getting a job.

I sent off the inquiry e-mail to the gal and cringed when I hit "send." Then I immediately realized I had forgotten to put something in the subject line. Crap. Cue the butterflies in the gut, sweaty palms, and panic attack.

Imagine my thrill when her response was to say my CV was "impressive" and that she'd love to talk with me further.

Fast forward to the day when I went in for my talk/interview. Mr. Curls had wished me luck that morning, adding, "Though, I'm sure you don't need any." I was running approximately two minutes late because I had decided at the last minute that I wanted to include one more document in the folder I was bringing to the interview and had to print it out. Two minutes late, and I was cussing myself out as I raced across the parking lot. I found her office and she smiled warmly at me and said, "You must be Jean. It's nice to meet you."

Then, we started talking. She asked me about some of the experience I listed on my CV. She asked me what I considered my strengths as a teacher and what I struggled with. The interview started to get longer and longer and she was both very friendly, very professional, and very thoughtful about my answers. Before long, I started to feel less like a deer in headlights. Then she got to the point where she asked if I had any questions for her.

"At this point, my main question would be how I might fit here. If I were to teach here, what classes might I be teaching?"

The answer was not what I expected. Instead of saying, "Well, the classes you might teach would be X, Y, and/or Z," she said, "What would you think of teaching a class this summer? I have one more X class to fill." Just like that, I got hired! No second interview, no having to think it over, just a comment about how she'd already spoken to my current boss about me, gotten a positive review, and that she wanted me on board.

As soon as I said I'd be thrilled to take on the summer class, she loaded me up with the materials I'd need, told me to talk to HR, and said she looked forward to working with me. I was professional and said I was looking forward to it, but I didn't gush or squeal with glee since that would've been weird. Let me tell you though, as soon as I walked out of her door, I had the biggest, dumbest grin on my face and it stayed there for at least two hours afterward.

Okay, one summer class is hardly enough to retire on, but it's my foot in the door and it is an earlier start than I had hoped for. Now I have something productive to do this summer. The extra bonus is the self esteem bonus. My whole work and income situation has been a source of stress for me for a while, and I am just so extraordinarily psyched about this because even if it's a small win, it's still a WIN!

Tempting Rejection

Since my teaching gig where I work is
a. part-time
b. not permanent
c. due to politics, less secure than I'd like

I've decided to contact the appropriate person at the local community college about the possibility of picking up a class or two there so I can have a backup and/or extra moolah. I've been procrastinating contacting this person because I'd essentially be doing a cold call while asking for a job. Ugh. I hate that.

But, better to contact her, get shut down, and KNOW, right? So, off goes the e-mail with the introduction of who I am and all that jazz. Off goes the CV. Then comes... what? A job or a rejection? I don't know which'd be worse, a quick reply or a slow one.

I do know that even one more class for fall semester would help with that whole repaying student loans thing. Damn student loans. After all these years of schooling and I've finally finished my MA just so I can do work that pays me less than I'd be making if I worked full time at McDonalds. Whoo-hoo! Education is so worth it!

Mom keeps telling me that I'll find a real job soon. She tells me I'll find not only a real job, but a really great real job. She can feel it in her bones, she says. Yet, every time I look at job listings, all I see are openings for nurses, sales people, or cleaners. Damn economy.

How terrible is it that I'm at a point where I think being a receptionist somewhere would be a really sweet gig?

F*ing Student Loans

Last summer, my student loan lender told me it was time to start paying them back. In the months since, I've been dumping hundreds of dollars in their lap and making a teeny-tiny dent in the total amount due. It sucks.

The worst part is having a job that pays pennies, and a job that is neither full time nor permanent (ah, the joy of adjuncting). The cherry on top is that the job market's in the tank right now, so being an adjunct is the best I've been able to manage. I keep searching the classifieds and various job websites, but all the openings I find are openings I'm not qualified for. These past couple of weeks I've been cursing my stupidity for majoring in English instead of the vastly more marketable field of medicine, especially nursing. If I was a nurse, I'd have my pick of jobs right now.

Part of the shtick our undergrads get fed is, "Do what you love, the money will follow." Um... yeah. About that...

But, there's not much I can do right now about changing the direction my undergrad and graduate studies went. No, now I've got to make the best out of what I've got. Even if what I've got is student loan repayment and an income that hovers on the border of poverty level. Since I'm not having much luck with job hunting, I'm buckling down on my spending.

This year, I've resolved to really focus on how much I stimulate the local economy with my hard-earned moolah. I've never been a really big spender, but now I'm cutting back even more. It's a blast, lemme tell ya.

One of these days, I'm going to get me a real job, one where I'll earn enough money that buying a plane ticket to see my brother over spring break isn't an expense I can't justify.

Yes, I'm a bit of a daddy's girl, but not this time

The other day, my dad asked me to go to a father-daughter dance with him. To make matters worse, said dance occurs at the university where I work. Now I'm dreading telling him no, because I don't want to hurt his feelings. However, I'm going to have to tell him no, because there's no way I'm going.

While the idea of going to a dance with my dad doesn't thrill me on its own terms, the deal-breaker comes from the location. I'm one of the youngest instructors on campus and this dance will be swarming with undergrads, some of whom will potentially be my students. The last thing I need is for undergrad students to look at me as being one of them. I need whatever I can hold onto in terms of authority, and going to this event is directly counter to that. Doesn't mean I look forward to telling my dad this. I just hope he won't take it personally. Cross your fingers for me.

Job Hunting With Renewed Vigor

There are few things more motivating to get a new job than returning to the old one. Thursday was the day of pre-semester meetings and a reminder of why, at the end of the day, I'm not satisfied being an adjunct. The bottom line: I get paid a laughably small amount of money, I have no benefits or job security, and the current department make up is heavy with favoritism and (big surprise) I'm not one of the favorites.

I like a lot of things about being an adjunct and I genuinely have fun teaching. Also, it's a great job to have when you're still taking classes. It's just that when I look at the cost/benefits break down of it all, relative to the potential of promotion/teaching more classes, the result is that I need a different job.

Today I'm working on my application materials for one job. There's another job that's being created through the local YWCA that I'm going to apply for once it's official - bonus: a good friend knows the guy who's setting up the new job, so I've got an in through her. Also, I'm keeping my eyes peeled & searching websites for anything else that might be promising.

The extra bonus is that my teaching schedule this semester is evening-heavy since two of my classes are night classes and the third is a 3:30-5:00 class. That leaves the bulk of my days open, which is conveniently conducive to getting started with a new job even before the semester is over.

Now I just have to go through all the hoops & inevitable rejection that a job search entails. Whoo-hoo! Thankfully, I have a lot right now to remind me of why I'm doing it.

Boring Job Retirement

On my last day of the boring job, I finally met my boss in person. She came by the store where I was working and didn't tell me she was coming, so I was totally surprised when she showed up. She was perfectly pleasant and had made the 2 hour drive for other business, but swung by to say hello and ask me how I liked the job. "It's nice to have a change of pace," I said, aiming for that fine line between honesty and too much honesty.

"Well, if we pick this area up again, I'll give you a call."

I nodded, smiled, said it was nice to meet her face-to-face, all the while thinking how strange it was that it was only when I had about three hours of my last shift left that I finally met her. Seems backwards, doesn't it?

It was an interesting experience, but one I'm far from eager to repeat. I'm pleased to have the extra cash, and now have one more entry on the list of stuff I don't want to do for a living.

My First Hug

Today while I stood in a store doing the boring job, one of my old students spotted me and made a beeline right to me. I had him for fall semester last year. He was a good student and he even brought me a Christmas card at the end of the semester (a card I still have). He said hello with a big smile on his face and then gave me a hug. It was totally sweet and it has officially made my day.

Another Batch of Ducklings

I've got a stack of grading I need to do before my English 101 final at 8 a.m. tomorrow morning. I'm pushing the clock with regards to how much time I have left to do it, but I'm still reluctant to get to work. End of the semester grading is the hardest. It's all so... final.

In the semesters that I've been teaching, I can trace a change in me in each. The more I do it, the more confident I get about the content, which means I pay more attention to the individual students. Side effect = I get more invested in them. Then the end of the semester comes along and, whoosh, they're gone. Sure, I'll spot a few next semester wandering around campus, or I may even have a couple of 101 kids again since I'm teaching a couple sections of 102, but most of them are going to vanish. It's bizarre and it makes me just a little bit sad.

Most of them will fall off my map and the little mysteries of each student - like the young man studying accounting who has a homemade tattoo on his hand that reads "la famiglia" - will remain mysteries. The writer in me makes up stories to go with the quirks of these students, but as the instructor, it's not my place to get personal.

So, I get to know them the best I can during the course of the semester, I try to help them the best I can, and then they move on and I never really know what happens to them after my class. My brother reminds me, "You'll have another batch next semester to get attached to," but I'm stalling on grading the last bits, because I get sentimental during this part of the semester.

It seems so cheesy, but there you have it. I actually like most of my students.

Couples, Couples, Couples

There's a theory about relevance. The theory is, you buy a red chevy and all of a sudden, all you see everywhere is red chevys. It's a radar theory - you're paying more attention to something and so you spot it often.

I'm having a reverse relevance experience. Every where I look, I see couples. Thanks to the seasonal job, for hours on end I stand in a store, watching people my age walk by hand-in-hand. I see gals my age pushing baby strollers around. I see a cute guy, then his girlfriend/wife rounds the corner right behind him.

I gotta tell you, it's extremely annoying. Where are the single guys? Have they all gone into hiding?

The Boring Job

The thing about the seasonal job is this - it is boring. It is, no joke, the most boring job I have ever had. For those of you who've been in the service industry, picture a slow night. It's that night that drags on and on and on with only the merest trickle of customers. That is this job. That is every shift of this job. I thought things would be more exciting on Black Friday since I was in the store then. Nope.

Six hour shifts of standing around, being bored out of my skull, and occasionally talking with customers. On Black Friday, during a six hour shift, I talked selling points with twelve customers. Each conversation lasted five minutes or less. The rest of the time I was standing in the store aisle, trying not to look at my watch again.

I've already begun counting down my shifts. It's terrible. The sad thing is, it's not all that bad of a job, except for the brain-numbing tedium. *Sigh* Can't win for losing.