When I ended things w/Mr. Curls, I was sad for a couple of days. Then, I wasn't. I felt relieved and freed. I felt very, "Ah, that's better." It grew clear to me how much the relationship had been stressing me out and how much we really didn't have in common.
Mr. Curls called me the night we broke up. I didn't answer. Then he e-mailed me. The next day, he called me at work. After a couple of days, I flat out told him that we needed to not talk to each other for a few months.
Last weekend, he called. I didn't answer. His voice mail was something to the effect of, "We haven't talked in a while and I just wondered how you're doing." I played the conversation out in my head and realized there really wasn't any good way for it to go.
Option 1: "I'm doing great!" = He's offended & it rubs salt in the wound of the break up.
Option 2: "I'm having a hard time" = Open door for him to try and talk me back into the relationship. I refuse, we have an argument, nobody wins.
The day after I got the call, I told my friend Jenny about it. She looked me in the eye and said, "Don't call him back." Amanda called. I told her about it. She said, "Don't call him back." So, going with my gut as well as the input of two good friends, I didn't call him back.
Today, I saw that Mr. Curls had un-friended me on Facebook. How do I feel about it? Relieved. I'm taking it as a sign that I officially don't have to worry about him any more.
BTW: I have a bet with myself that Mr. Curls will be in a new serious relationship by Christmas.
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
The Worst of the Four Letter Words
I wrote a story for my thesis that's about a man who essentially sews himself back together after his life crumbles. Stitch, by painful stitch, he slowly becomes whole again. I wrote the story because I feel like him a lot. Bits of thread and sheer faith that I won't fall apart.
Some days, it works better than others. There are times, whole months in a streak, where I don't even see the stitches. Lately, I'm feeling more threadbare.
I ended my relationship with Mr. Curls, but that was a good thing. In the end, he was still repeating the same patterns of thought and action that led to all the drama in his past. He thinks he's changed, but he hasn't. For a few days after the breakup, I was sad. That part didn't last long, because the relief was stronger. But, now, I'm left thinking about how, in the past five years, I met exactly one guy who liked me and I liked him back. Five years. What's wrong with me?
When I took my current job, I planned to be here for 1-2 years. Now that I'm a week away from my one year anniversary, I know that plan was the right one. I've grown claustrophobic. My search for a new job has so far yielded one, "We want you to come in for an interview, but we're still working out when," and half a dozen either outright, or implied, "Thanks, but no"s. What's wrong with me?
On Friday, my doctor sliced into my back, cut out a piece of me, and then put about a dozen black stitches into my skin to sew me back together. I'm in the mood to run. I'm a terrible runner, but the exercise eases my mind. With the stitches, it's painful to wear a regular bra, much less a tight sports bra. So, it's just me and the thread in my skin and the waiting.
I wait, and wait, and wait...
Some days, it works better than others. There are times, whole months in a streak, where I don't even see the stitches. Lately, I'm feeling more threadbare.
I ended my relationship with Mr. Curls, but that was a good thing. In the end, he was still repeating the same patterns of thought and action that led to all the drama in his past. He thinks he's changed, but he hasn't. For a few days after the breakup, I was sad. That part didn't last long, because the relief was stronger. But, now, I'm left thinking about how, in the past five years, I met exactly one guy who liked me and I liked him back. Five years. What's wrong with me?
When I took my current job, I planned to be here for 1-2 years. Now that I'm a week away from my one year anniversary, I know that plan was the right one. I've grown claustrophobic. My search for a new job has so far yielded one, "We want you to come in for an interview, but we're still working out when," and half a dozen either outright, or implied, "Thanks, but no"s. What's wrong with me?
On Friday, my doctor sliced into my back, cut out a piece of me, and then put about a dozen black stitches into my skin to sew me back together. I'm in the mood to run. I'm a terrible runner, but the exercise eases my mind. With the stitches, it's painful to wear a regular bra, much less a tight sports bra. So, it's just me and the thread in my skin and the waiting.
I wait, and wait, and wait...
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Long Distance
My job continues, as do the long-ass days that go with it. The good news on that front is that I've pretty much got a place lined up that I think I'll like. It's itty-bitty, but it has a yard and is in the process of being refurbished. The only problem with the new floors, new plumbing, etc. is that it's not quite done yet. So, it'll be a nice little place, but I have to wait a couple more weeks before I can move in, which means the long-ass days continue.
I'm nearing the end of the part where I take all the company trainings as a new staff member/auditor. I've written up a lot of notes and I've started making plans about where I'll start and what I'll do in order to improve the training program. It's cool because I feel like I know what I'm doing and I feel like I can really make things better.
In the mean time, Mr. Curls went off to his new job on Monday. This is the job that's about four hours away from where I'll be living as soon as the itty-bitty house is done. But, on the whole I'm more excited about him having a job than I am disappointed about him going away to have it. I'd rather have a boyfriend far away and employed than one that's ten minutes away with no job, no place to live, and no vehicle to get around in. The long distance thing isn't ideal long term, but it means a longer term than our relationship would have had otherwise as it's September now and we're still together vs. my earlier decision that if nothing had changed by the end of August, I was going to be finished with this relationship.
The timing works out okay, though. I'm so busy with the new job that it provides great distraction from worrying about the future of my relationship with Mr. Curls. What will be will be, and until then, I've got stuff to do.
I'm nearing the end of the part where I take all the company trainings as a new staff member/auditor. I've written up a lot of notes and I've started making plans about where I'll start and what I'll do in order to improve the training program. It's cool because I feel like I know what I'm doing and I feel like I can really make things better.
In the mean time, Mr. Curls went off to his new job on Monday. This is the job that's about four hours away from where I'll be living as soon as the itty-bitty house is done. But, on the whole I'm more excited about him having a job than I am disappointed about him going away to have it. I'd rather have a boyfriend far away and employed than one that's ten minutes away with no job, no place to live, and no vehicle to get around in. The long distance thing isn't ideal long term, but it means a longer term than our relationship would have had otherwise as it's September now and we're still together vs. my earlier decision that if nothing had changed by the end of August, I was going to be finished with this relationship.
The timing works out okay, though. I'm so busy with the new job that it provides great distraction from worrying about the future of my relationship with Mr. Curls. What will be will be, and until then, I've got stuff to do.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Denied
Mr. Curls decided to go back to college about one month before the beginning of classes. That meant he had a lot to do in a very short time. He filled out his FAFSA online, completed his application, got a copy of his high school diploma... and didn't check the minimum requirements for the one school he applied to.
Minimum requirement = 2.0 high school GPA
Mr. Curls never planned on going to college, so he spent a lot of time his junior and senior years focusing on work and goofing off. So, his high school GPA = 1.9
Classes start on Monday and Mr. Curls' application was declined. Today he contacted the community college (which has lower minimums) and was told it's just too late.
Oh, for fuck's sake. Now it's going to be spring before he can start taking classes. In this case, the reasons are 100% his fault, no bad luck to blame. First, his crappy GPA from when he screwed around in high school. Second, he didn't pay close enough attention to the application criteria, i.e. the part that says "You must be *this* smart to be a student," nor, if he saw that, did he take proactive steps like talking to someone in admissions about a possible exemption. Third, he applied to only one school. Fourth, he waited this long to decide that a college degree was something he needed.
Too little, too late, and now it's months more before he can get started. Things are not looking good for the continuation of our relationship. Though he was offered a job 3 hours away, they're still processing his paperwork and he doesn't actually have the job yet. The good news is that he found some part time work for the mean time, but it's not enough to be a solution.
His decision to go back to school was encouraging, as is the job offer. But, until he's actually taking (and passing) classes, until he's actually doing the job he's been offered... In light of recent positive developments, I'm willing to give this relationship a little more time, but the sand is running out of the hourglass.
Minimum requirement = 2.0 high school GPA
Mr. Curls never planned on going to college, so he spent a lot of time his junior and senior years focusing on work and goofing off. So, his high school GPA = 1.9
Classes start on Monday and Mr. Curls' application was declined. Today he contacted the community college (which has lower minimums) and was told it's just too late.
Oh, for fuck's sake. Now it's going to be spring before he can start taking classes. In this case, the reasons are 100% his fault, no bad luck to blame. First, his crappy GPA from when he screwed around in high school. Second, he didn't pay close enough attention to the application criteria, i.e. the part that says "You must be *this* smart to be a student," nor, if he saw that, did he take proactive steps like talking to someone in admissions about a possible exemption. Third, he applied to only one school. Fourth, he waited this long to decide that a college degree was something he needed.
Too little, too late, and now it's months more before he can get started. Things are not looking good for the continuation of our relationship. Though he was offered a job 3 hours away, they're still processing his paperwork and he doesn't actually have the job yet. The good news is that he found some part time work for the mean time, but it's not enough to be a solution.
His decision to go back to school was encouraging, as is the job offer. But, until he's actually taking (and passing) classes, until he's actually doing the job he's been offered... In light of recent positive developments, I'm willing to give this relationship a little more time, but the sand is running out of the hourglass.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Bullet Points
Lots of things have been happening lately.
1. Mr. Curls' trucking job fell through. He had his license suspended briefly a while back when he was unemployed because he was unable to stay current with child support payments. Thus, no trucking job because of the suspension. Yet another aspect of his past that looks bad.
2. Because he ended his lease and put his truck in storage with an auto pawn company in preparation for the trucking job, losing it means Mr. Curls is currently homeless and without transportation (except for my bike that I'm letting him borrow).
3. After months of sending out resumes and applying for any and all jobs I'm qualified for, I finally got a call for an interview. It's a job I think I could enjoy, but it's about sixty miles away and in a town that's quite small - population 8,000. I'm not sure whether or not that's too small for me.
4. In light of everything that's been going on with Mr. Curls, and the general lack of having his life in order that all those things indicate, I made a decision. The decision is that, unless Mr. Curls does something to make a serious change in his life, the end of August is the end of the relationship.
5. Mr. Curls decided that after 15 years of choosing work over education, and with that working out so wonderfully for him, he's decided to go back to school and get his B.A. Today, he submitted his FAFSA and he's qualified for a Pell Grant.
6. On Tuesday, Mr. Curls traveled 160 miles to interview for a job. Today, he got the job offer. We've already talked about him taking the job. He's looking at schools in the area and planning how to do both work and school.
All things together, I think that between the job and the decision to go back to school, Mr. Curls' life is undergoing a pretty serious change. Most important to me is the choice to go to college. I put a premium on education and his decision to get his degree after so many years of being away from school is a great thing. It's also probably the single most important, life-changing decision he's made in the past two years that he's made for reasons other than doing what other people think he should do.
I like it. But, it's only the first step. Now he's got to sort out the move, get enrolled & registered for classes, and actually pass them. There's still a lot of action that needs to follow the decisions, but it's given me faith that this relationship will survive until September and that's a much better prognosis than I would have given last week.
1. Mr. Curls' trucking job fell through. He had his license suspended briefly a while back when he was unemployed because he was unable to stay current with child support payments. Thus, no trucking job because of the suspension. Yet another aspect of his past that looks bad.
2. Because he ended his lease and put his truck in storage with an auto pawn company in preparation for the trucking job, losing it means Mr. Curls is currently homeless and without transportation (except for my bike that I'm letting him borrow).
3. After months of sending out resumes and applying for any and all jobs I'm qualified for, I finally got a call for an interview. It's a job I think I could enjoy, but it's about sixty miles away and in a town that's quite small - population 8,000. I'm not sure whether or not that's too small for me.
4. In light of everything that's been going on with Mr. Curls, and the general lack of having his life in order that all those things indicate, I made a decision. The decision is that, unless Mr. Curls does something to make a serious change in his life, the end of August is the end of the relationship.
5. Mr. Curls decided that after 15 years of choosing work over education, and with that working out so wonderfully for him, he's decided to go back to school and get his B.A. Today, he submitted his FAFSA and he's qualified for a Pell Grant.
6. On Tuesday, Mr. Curls traveled 160 miles to interview for a job. Today, he got the job offer. We've already talked about him taking the job. He's looking at schools in the area and planning how to do both work and school.
All things together, I think that between the job and the decision to go back to school, Mr. Curls' life is undergoing a pretty serious change. Most important to me is the choice to go to college. I put a premium on education and his decision to get his degree after so many years of being away from school is a great thing. It's also probably the single most important, life-changing decision he's made in the past two years that he's made for reasons other than doing what other people think he should do.
I like it. But, it's only the first step. Now he's got to sort out the move, get enrolled & registered for classes, and actually pass them. There's still a lot of action that needs to follow the decisions, but it's given me faith that this relationship will survive until September and that's a much better prognosis than I would have given last week.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Keep on Trucking
I've not posted in a long time because I've been trying to figure some things out all my own and not much in the mood for making those thoughts public. Now, things have somewhat worked around to an equilibrium again.
Quick sum-uption: Mr. Curls lost his job in May and has been working hard to find another one since. Thanks to the tough economy, he's mostly had no luck. The situation has made me question our relationship - not because I'm enamored with money for its own sake, but because having some financial stability is way important to me and this is yet another hiccup in his employment history. Now, the last-ditch job option is taking a job with a trucking company. Yep, that's right, Mr. Curls is about to become a trucker. It's oh-so-glamorous, but the $ is serious enough that it'd be a big step for him to get some stability and save up enough within a year to do things like hire a lawyer to deal with his ex(es) situation and get that sorted out. Also, it would give him enough capital that he could quit the trucking job and use his savings to begin what he truly wants to do by going into business for himself.
We've talked about it a lot and talked about what it would/could mean for him and for us and while I can't predict exactly how it'll go, especially since the work schedule would limit his days off to about 3-4 a month, we're going to do our best to keep our relationship strong.
In the past couple of weeks, with everything else that's been going on, some of the tension in each of us has eased and my re-thinking of the relationship has come down on the side of understanding and wanting to do my best to make this work. Amanda, not surprisingly, expresses her doubts. My pen-pal expresses hope. They're both right.
I don't know how it's all going to work out. I have to make a decision based on what I do know. When I'm with him, I feel happy and loved and like I don't want to be with anyone else. In light of everything he's going through right now, I know that he's got few choices and that if I were in his same position, I would probably make the same choices he has. I know that our relationship may not last through him being so far away so much. I know that I want to try.
One way or another, things are going to work out. I don't know how, exactly, and that may very well mean that things work out by me and him going our separate ways. But, we'll take it one little bit at a time and see where we end up.
Quick sum-uption: Mr. Curls lost his job in May and has been working hard to find another one since. Thanks to the tough economy, he's mostly had no luck. The situation has made me question our relationship - not because I'm enamored with money for its own sake, but because having some financial stability is way important to me and this is yet another hiccup in his employment history. Now, the last-ditch job option is taking a job with a trucking company. Yep, that's right, Mr. Curls is about to become a trucker. It's oh-so-glamorous, but the $ is serious enough that it'd be a big step for him to get some stability and save up enough within a year to do things like hire a lawyer to deal with his ex(es) situation and get that sorted out. Also, it would give him enough capital that he could quit the trucking job and use his savings to begin what he truly wants to do by going into business for himself.
We've talked about it a lot and talked about what it would/could mean for him and for us and while I can't predict exactly how it'll go, especially since the work schedule would limit his days off to about 3-4 a month, we're going to do our best to keep our relationship strong.
In the past couple of weeks, with everything else that's been going on, some of the tension in each of us has eased and my re-thinking of the relationship has come down on the side of understanding and wanting to do my best to make this work. Amanda, not surprisingly, expresses her doubts. My pen-pal expresses hope. They're both right.
I don't know how it's all going to work out. I have to make a decision based on what I do know. When I'm with him, I feel happy and loved and like I don't want to be with anyone else. In light of everything he's going through right now, I know that he's got few choices and that if I were in his same position, I would probably make the same choices he has. I know that our relationship may not last through him being so far away so much. I know that I want to try.
One way or another, things are going to work out. I don't know how, exactly, and that may very well mean that things work out by me and him going our separate ways. But, we'll take it one little bit at a time and see where we end up.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Summer With the Boys
Last Tuesday Mr. Curls' first ex called. The original plan was that Mr. Curls would take the boys Friday for them to spend the summer with him (save for alternating weekends when they'd be back with their mom). Instead, she asked him if he'd like to get them early, like, in an hour and a half.
Mr. Curls agreed, did a mad dash to get ready, and his ex brought the boys up early. It was a bit of a wrinkle in his plans, and since he'd just gotten a water bed that hadn't been... tried out yet, it was a bit of a wrinkle in mine. However, Mr. Curls doesn't get to spend as much time with the boys as he'd like to, and I like them, too, so no complaints.
This past week I've been playing games with the boys and I even found a set of poker chips on clearance for them, they're big fans of Texas Hold 'em. Also, we managed to try out the water bed after all by practicing covert, post-boys-asleep, shenanigans. Dunno how much I like the water bed for certain things, though the novelty is certainly fun.
Mr. Curls agreed, did a mad dash to get ready, and his ex brought the boys up early. It was a bit of a wrinkle in his plans, and since he'd just gotten a water bed that hadn't been... tried out yet, it was a bit of a wrinkle in mine. However, Mr. Curls doesn't get to spend as much time with the boys as he'd like to, and I like them, too, so no complaints.
This past week I've been playing games with the boys and I even found a set of poker chips on clearance for them, they're big fans of Texas Hold 'em. Also, we managed to try out the water bed after all by practicing covert, post-boys-asleep, shenanigans. Dunno how much I like the water bed for certain things, though the novelty is certainly fun.
Monday, May 31, 2010
The Big L
The other night, Mr. Curls and I were lying in bed all cuddled up and snug. I had my head on his shoulder and I was thinking it'd be so easy to say it. It's just words. They don't need to be hard.
"You're quiet," Mr. Curls said.
"So are you."
"Yeah... I was thinking about a conversation we had a while back. One where we went in circles for a little while..."
"Mmm... that one," I said, knowing exactly what he was talking about. "I was thinking about that too." I winked at him. "Jinx."
He gave me a kiss. "What were you thinking?"
"I was thinking about saying the words out loud. I was wondering what they'd sound like."
There was a pause where neither of us said anything, both of us trying to be brave enough to go for it. I took a breath and reached up to cover his eyes. Mr. Curls laughed, "Shouldn't you be covering your own eyes, you know, execution style?"
"Hush," I said, burying my face in his chest. I was trying to get the courage to say the words out loud, and maybe I had enough to say them, but I didn't think I was brave enough to say them and look him in the eye at the same time. I took another deep breath and whispered, "I love you."
Mr. Curls hugged me tight. "I love you," he said. I hugged him back, as tight as I could manage, not wanting to let go. Leap of faith, my friends. Leap of faith.
"You're quiet," Mr. Curls said.
"So are you."
"Yeah... I was thinking about a conversation we had a while back. One where we went in circles for a little while..."
"Mmm... that one," I said, knowing exactly what he was talking about. "I was thinking about that too." I winked at him. "Jinx."
He gave me a kiss. "What were you thinking?"
"I was thinking about saying the words out loud. I was wondering what they'd sound like."
There was a pause where neither of us said anything, both of us trying to be brave enough to go for it. I took a breath and reached up to cover his eyes. Mr. Curls laughed, "Shouldn't you be covering your own eyes, you know, execution style?"
"Hush," I said, burying my face in his chest. I was trying to get the courage to say the words out loud, and maybe I had enough to say them, but I didn't think I was brave enough to say them and look him in the eye at the same time. I took another deep breath and whispered, "I love you."
Mr. Curls hugged me tight. "I love you," he said. I hugged him back, as tight as I could manage, not wanting to let go. Leap of faith, my friends. Leap of faith.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Photo Field Trip
Today, I spent the morning getting caught up from spending two weeks out of town and I spent the afternoon with Mr. Curls. Now that I've had a couple of days to decompress from traveling, I was in a much better mood and we had a really lovely afternoon together.
A big part of our adventures today included driving all around town and out of it, doing some hunting for things for me to take pictures of for my photography club. I'm still getting the hang of my new camera and I've been less than thrilled with how it takes pictures in low light. I'm sure I can adjust the settings to make them come out better, but I haven't quite figured it out yet. It's a shame, too, I really like the elements and composition of this photo, but I'm not ecstatic about the photo quality.
On the bright side, I quite like the spot Mr. Curls took me to get the photo. We'll have to go back.
A big part of our adventures today included driving all around town and out of it, doing some hunting for things for me to take pictures of for my photography club. I'm still getting the hang of my new camera and I've been less than thrilled with how it takes pictures in low light. I'm sure I can adjust the settings to make them come out better, but I haven't quite figured it out yet. It's a shame, too, I really like the elements and composition of this photo, but I'm not ecstatic about the photo quality.
On the bright side, I quite like the spot Mr. Curls took me to get the photo. We'll have to go back.
What's the Point of a Relationship? More Importantly, What's the Point of This One?
Gosh, the past few posts have primarily been all about bashing Mr. Curls. It's enough to make one wonder why I haven't drop-kicked him out the door already. I mean, heck, it almost seems like I don't even like him at all. It's not that I don't like him, it's just that I'm worried. The worry has made me do a lot of thinking about my relationship priorities. Lately, between seeing my friend get hitched, traveling both with and without him, and talking to different people who're in relationships, I've spent a lot of time thinking about the nature of relationships. I mean, seriously, why are people in them?
Aside from a regular sex partner and somebody to hang out with, what's the point of romantic relationships? The hardest part is that there's no one set answer. I feel like a kid who's stumped on a quiz question and frustrated because each of the multiple choice answers feels like it could be right, but I have to pick which one's the best answer. I feel cheated like someone who's asked a riddle then denied the answer. The worst part is knowing that, ultimately, no one has it. Knowing that everyone's got to figure it out for themselves.
So, I've been trying to figure out what the point of me being in a romantic relationship is. What the heck do I want to be in a relationship for? I support myself, so it's not that I'm looking for a sugar daddy. I have a wonderful group of lovely friends, so it's not that I'm just lonely. I'm a stubbornly independent person, so I don't need some other person to define who I am. I've got vibrators, so I can manage plenty of orgasms without help. I have a dog, so it's not like I'm just looking for someone to make me feel safe or wanted.
It's easy to figure out reasons why a relationship might be more trouble than it's worth. It's harder to figure out reasons why one would be worthwhile.
Aside from a regular sex partner and somebody to hang out with, what's the point of romantic relationships? The hardest part is that there's no one set answer. I feel like a kid who's stumped on a quiz question and frustrated because each of the multiple choice answers feels like it could be right, but I have to pick which one's the best answer. I feel cheated like someone who's asked a riddle then denied the answer. The worst part is knowing that, ultimately, no one has it. Knowing that everyone's got to figure it out for themselves.
So, I've been trying to figure out what the point of me being in a romantic relationship is. What the heck do I want to be in a relationship for? I support myself, so it's not that I'm looking for a sugar daddy. I have a wonderful group of lovely friends, so it's not that I'm just lonely. I'm a stubbornly independent person, so I don't need some other person to define who I am. I've got vibrators, so I can manage plenty of orgasms without help. I have a dog, so it's not like I'm just looking for someone to make me feel safe or wanted.
It's easy to figure out reasons why a relationship might be more trouble than it's worth. It's harder to figure out reasons why one would be worthwhile.
- I want someone to hold me
- I want that someone to be the same someone who understands who I am
- I want to be someone's favorite someone
- I want to have a person in my life who chooses to become my family
- I want laughter. Lots of laughter
- I want to have someone in my life whose hug can make a crappy day brighten
- I want someone to cheer me on
- I want inside jokes that only the two of us laugh at
- I want to know someone's got my back
- I want someone who, by being in my life, makes my life better
- I want to have someone I know I can trust
- I want to feel like having this person pick me over all others means I'm amazing and special
- I want love
- I want loyalty
- I want a certain kind of fierceness
- I want the sound of a heartbeat beneath my cheek
- I want to be amazed at how this person was a stranger once because I can never imagine my life without knowing them
- I want a little bit of silliness
- I want chilly days snuggled up under blankets watching the rain fall on the other side of the window
- I want to go somewhere and be able to point at things, saying, "Wow, how cool is that?" and know that the person I'm talking to will think it's cool too
Monday, May 17, 2010
The Wedding, The Ambivalence, The Problem, and Time
A day after I got home from Florida, Mr. Curls and I were on the road to my penpal's wedding. A six-hour drive later, we arrived in my penpal's city and met up with her for dinner. Friday, she and I spent the afternoon together running some pre-wedding errands.
Saturday morning started out rough. I woke up feeling ill - delayed altitude sickness it turned out. Mr. Curls was real sweet about making a couple of runs, first for a bit of medicine for my nausea, second for a light breakfast. Still, I felt pretty bad the whole morning and most of the rest of the day. Awesome, lemme tell ya.
By wedding time, I was mostly okay again, but my mood was less than stellar. Add to that the excitement of a wedding and the emotions entailed, plus being at the wedding of one of my best friends with a date who's exchanged those same vows twice already, and, well... I was stressed. The wedding itself = beautiful and sweet. Going with Mr. Curls = "What am I doing?!"
He's so sweet to me and all kinds of nice things, but he's got so much drama in his life. I had a crisis. Here I was, watching my friend marry a guy she's crazy about and all I could think was how I couldn't picture myself tying my life to Mr. Curls' life that way. All I could think was, "This guy has too much mess. How could I ever marry him?" That thought quickly ushered in the follow up thought of, "Then what am I doing with him?"
I was tired, I felt sick, and my emotions were all akimbo. I was cranky during the drive home, despite my best intentions not to take out my stress on Mr. Curls, because I knew that a lot of what I was feeling about him had more to do with everything else going on than it had to do just with him. I apologized about the crankiness and was surprised when he understood where it was coming from - not every detail, but understanding that all the travel and close quarters had taken their toll. He wasn't excited about my bad mood, but he got why I was in it and let things be quiet for a time while I pulled myself out of it. The way he reacted was an unexpected relief and it reminded me that there are good reasons why I like him.
Today, I talked with Amanda. I told her about my worries about Mr. Curls. I told her that during the wedding I thought, "What am I doing with this guy?"
Amanda replied, "Oh, that just means you're going to break up with him. It's okay though. He was a good experience for you."
Then, of course, Mr. Curls tells me he's officially quit smoking. His last cigarette was five days ago and he's determined to stay off the cancer sticks. Then, today, he got fired (long story short, his boss is a dick who fired him for taking Thursday off, aka the day Mr. Curls requested off a month ago, got approval for, and then got told the paperwork was "lost" and that he had to work on his approved day off). Today, Mr. Curls came over and even though he was embarrassed to admit that he needed help, asked for my help on overhauling his resume. Then, even more significantly, when I told him we needed to redo his resume from scratch (the one he had was an unfocused, 5-page mess) he just nodded and said, "Okay, where do I start?" It wasn't easy for him and he was very uncomfortable being that vulnerable, but he did it because he knew he needed to do it. I tore his resume apart, helped him put it back together again, and he said, "Thank you" and meant it.
On one hand, I've come to the stark realization that Mr. Curls is something of a train wreck. He's well-intentioned and passionate and sweet, but his life, in short, is not in order. I'm not looking for a millionaire, but it is important to me that my Mr. Right has a fairly good grip on his life. Let's face it, right now, Mr. Curls doesn't. But, with a couple of things that have happened the past few days, maybe he's started to head in the right direction?
Today, I got to see Mr. Curls' work history. It's, well, spotty. A few months here, a year there, eighteen months at that other place. He says he knows it makes him look like a flake. He knows that's not a great thing, neither for an employer nor for me to see. He explains, he justifies, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, sure, the last few years could just be a run of bad luck. Fine. The thing is, I'm getting worn out with some of his talk. He over-explains. He complicates. He preemptively defends the things he's embarrassed about. All this chatter does him more harm than good and I'm just waiting and watching, tuning out the jabber and focusing on the action.
Between bad choices and bad luck, Mr. Curls has had a bad run. Whatever. There's a lot I can forgive about the past. It's the present, the future, that I'm most interested in. I'm conflicted in figuring out the present. On one hand, he's done some things lately that I'd classify as problematic. On the other, he's done some things lately that have been very positive. I just can't figure out which is more weighted.
I think I have to give this more time. I need to see if/how much he's learned from past mistakes and the only way to really do that is to see if/how he repeats them. Some time in the not-too-distant future, I foresee a talk regarding my concerns. The time is not now. I want to see how he handles the situation he's in now and see what that tells me.
All I know for sure is that, unless Mr. Curls gets some things in his life under control, I'm not optimistic about this relationship's lifespan.
Saturday morning started out rough. I woke up feeling ill - delayed altitude sickness it turned out. Mr. Curls was real sweet about making a couple of runs, first for a bit of medicine for my nausea, second for a light breakfast. Still, I felt pretty bad the whole morning and most of the rest of the day. Awesome, lemme tell ya.
By wedding time, I was mostly okay again, but my mood was less than stellar. Add to that the excitement of a wedding and the emotions entailed, plus being at the wedding of one of my best friends with a date who's exchanged those same vows twice already, and, well... I was stressed. The wedding itself = beautiful and sweet. Going with Mr. Curls = "What am I doing?!"
He's so sweet to me and all kinds of nice things, but he's got so much drama in his life. I had a crisis. Here I was, watching my friend marry a guy she's crazy about and all I could think was how I couldn't picture myself tying my life to Mr. Curls' life that way. All I could think was, "This guy has too much mess. How could I ever marry him?" That thought quickly ushered in the follow up thought of, "Then what am I doing with him?"
I was tired, I felt sick, and my emotions were all akimbo. I was cranky during the drive home, despite my best intentions not to take out my stress on Mr. Curls, because I knew that a lot of what I was feeling about him had more to do with everything else going on than it had to do just with him. I apologized about the crankiness and was surprised when he understood where it was coming from - not every detail, but understanding that all the travel and close quarters had taken their toll. He wasn't excited about my bad mood, but he got why I was in it and let things be quiet for a time while I pulled myself out of it. The way he reacted was an unexpected relief and it reminded me that there are good reasons why I like him.
Today, I talked with Amanda. I told her about my worries about Mr. Curls. I told her that during the wedding I thought, "What am I doing with this guy?"
Amanda replied, "Oh, that just means you're going to break up with him. It's okay though. He was a good experience for you."
Then, of course, Mr. Curls tells me he's officially quit smoking. His last cigarette was five days ago and he's determined to stay off the cancer sticks. Then, today, he got fired (long story short, his boss is a dick who fired him for taking Thursday off, aka the day Mr. Curls requested off a month ago, got approval for, and then got told the paperwork was "lost" and that he had to work on his approved day off). Today, Mr. Curls came over and even though he was embarrassed to admit that he needed help, asked for my help on overhauling his resume. Then, even more significantly, when I told him we needed to redo his resume from scratch (the one he had was an unfocused, 5-page mess) he just nodded and said, "Okay, where do I start?" It wasn't easy for him and he was very uncomfortable being that vulnerable, but he did it because he knew he needed to do it. I tore his resume apart, helped him put it back together again, and he said, "Thank you" and meant it.
On one hand, I've come to the stark realization that Mr. Curls is something of a train wreck. He's well-intentioned and passionate and sweet, but his life, in short, is not in order. I'm not looking for a millionaire, but it is important to me that my Mr. Right has a fairly good grip on his life. Let's face it, right now, Mr. Curls doesn't. But, with a couple of things that have happened the past few days, maybe he's started to head in the right direction?
Today, I got to see Mr. Curls' work history. It's, well, spotty. A few months here, a year there, eighteen months at that other place. He says he knows it makes him look like a flake. He knows that's not a great thing, neither for an employer nor for me to see. He explains, he justifies, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, sure, the last few years could just be a run of bad luck. Fine. The thing is, I'm getting worn out with some of his talk. He over-explains. He complicates. He preemptively defends the things he's embarrassed about. All this chatter does him more harm than good and I'm just waiting and watching, tuning out the jabber and focusing on the action.
Between bad choices and bad luck, Mr. Curls has had a bad run. Whatever. There's a lot I can forgive about the past. It's the present, the future, that I'm most interested in. I'm conflicted in figuring out the present. On one hand, he's done some things lately that I'd classify as problematic. On the other, he's done some things lately that have been very positive. I just can't figure out which is more weighted.
I think I have to give this more time. I need to see if/how much he's learned from past mistakes and the only way to really do that is to see if/how he repeats them. Some time in the not-too-distant future, I foresee a talk regarding my concerns. The time is not now. I want to see how he handles the situation he's in now and see what that tells me.
All I know for sure is that, unless Mr. Curls gets some things in his life under control, I'm not optimistic about this relationship's lifespan.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Culture Clash
Of late, I've been a bit conflicted about Mr. Curls. On one hand, he's got a lot of emotional qualities that I really like. On the other, well, it can pretty much be summed up with a recent conversation I had with my brother where I was talking about Mr. Curls' culinary skills. I described a dish he'd made (chicken over rice, topped with cream of mushroom soup) and how he'd been so proud about coming up with the recipe. When I mentioned that the recipe was on the side of the soup can, he responded, "Yeah, but I didn't look at the recipe that first time. I came up with it independently." He was very proud of himself. I was, to be honest, underwhelmed.
I told my brother, "The sad thing is, he thinks he's such a great cook and the truth is, he's not especially great. Yeah, he can cook, but Gordon Ramsay he is not. Except, that's not how he sees it."
One of Mr. Curls' qualities that worries me is an over estimation of certain abilities or accomplishments which, frankly, I'm not impressed by. I know that sounds harsh, which isn't how I mean it. It's more about him and I coming from very different backgrounds.
Mr. Curls' background = parents who got pregnant in high school to force their parents to allow them to be together. Mr. Curls' dad was a dad at 17, his mom never graduated high school, and his mom became a Jehovah's Witness when he was a kid. Growing up, Mr. Curls was told that, basically, college was out of his league, so between that mentality and getting married at 19 because he was about to be a dad, he never went.
My background = parents who dated for a couple of years, dated long distance, and the first time my dad proposed, saying, "and when you're my wife, you'll never work" (meaning it in a nice way), my mom turned him down because it was important to her to have her own career. My parents had me when my mom was 29 and my dad was 32. When I was a kid, my mom went to college and got her bachelor's degree while working and raising two kids. Growing up, college was always talked about in terms of "when" I would go to college, never if.
The bottom line is that even though Mr. Curls and I grew up in the same city, in a lot of ways, we come from different worlds. Things which, to me, are not newsworthy, are a big deal to him. On some things, I feel like we're just not on the same level. I know that sounds critical and snobbish, but I don't know how else to say it. One thing I keep coming back to is what a difference a college education can make. Having that BA or MA or PhD isn't the be all end all, not by a long shot, but there are certain ways of thinking that college teaches you.
In my composition classes, when I'm talking with my students about the ways the media influences us, when I'm talking about analyzing biases present in movies, newspaper articles, etc., their first reaction is often that I'm "over analyzing" it. A cigar is just a cigar, right? And yes, sometimes, it is. But, sometimes it's not. By the end of the class, at least a few students have had light bulb moments. For instance, sometimes they say, "Oh! Now I get why that commercial is using Jennifer Lopez as a spokesperson, it's 'cause she's scantily clad and the commercial is aimed at men!" Right? Right.
Mr. Curls has told me how, because he's had business experience and because he's so worldly, he can watch a commercial and immediately figure out who it's aimed at. He's impressed friends and family with this skill. He thinks it's cool that I get it, too. I think it's cool that he's figured it out on his own. But, the difficulty comes from the fact that his background, most of his social circle, is not on that level. So, he ends up feeling like big stuff 'cause he knows something they don't. Except, that in my perspective, that puts him on the level with an 18 year-old college freshmen. In his mind, he's on the top of the food chain. In my mind, he's just getting started.
Case in point, the showcase he was so gung-ho about. He was excited because the process was somewhat selective and because he felt like they just weren't picking everyone. Also, apparently, the $800 fee was low compared to other showcases he's heard about. At first glance, it seems promising. But that's skipping a couple of important analytical steps. One thing I always talk to my students about in terms of the motivations of political organizations, for instance, is "where does the money go?" With the showcase, it's put on by the scouting agency, which means the scouting agency is getting the money. Therefore, it's in their best interest to find a large number of people to attend it. They get the registration fee. That's how they get their money, not based on the number of people who actually get agents. So, there's one gigantic, flashing red light. Also, he talked about how he could get discovered, but that skips another important question - why would this be his chance? Yes, he'd be in front of agents, fine. But another important question comes up - if this is an effective way of finding an agent, then who are the actors who've been successful this way? What big names has this particular scouting agency found? What's their track record?
Mr. Curls was excited about the showcase because he felt like he'd thought about the situation critically. I'd say he thought about it more critically than many might, but not critically enough. He was so focused on "well, I asked this question that most people wouldn't, that means I know what I'm doing," that he missed the other, even more important questions.
Another thing I was talking with my brother about was Mr. Curls' far-sightedness. He has this tendency to focus so much on where he wants to be that he overlooks where he is. He has a plan to do real estate work. According to the plan, in 16 months, he's doing real estate. That's fine. But, what about next month? When he hurt his back, he was frustrated because it threw a wrench into his finances and he didn't have enough to go to the showcase (blessing in disguise, right?). His refrain, "but, if I hadn't hurt my back, it would've been fine." The thing is, unexpected things are, by nature, unexpected. I made a comment once about a job I applied for and how, if I got it, I'd spend a couple years living well below my means (i.e. my lifestyle wouldn't really change) because I'd be so focused on clearing away my student loans and building up a big savings buffer. He said, "Well, it's important not to live above your means, but why not live within them?" Well, because of things like back injuries or layoffs or whatever might come up that I can't anticipate.
His culture = you're doing really well if you can pay your bills every month.
My culture = you're doing well if you've got your own home, your car paid off, and a good sized retirement fund.
His culture = "You're marrying a gal you met four months ago? Cool, she seems nice."
My culture = "You're marrying a guy you met four months ago? Are you crazy?"
A lot of the time, the clash isn't so clear. Sometimes, though, it's blindingly so. This past week I've been in Florida, visiting my brother. It's the most time I've spent away from Mr. Curls since we met. I've been away from him, and spending a whole lot of time with my brother, who's an Air Force Lieutenant undergoing pilot training. Mr. Curls works for a trash company. I'm not saying a job or a college degree is the be all end all, but it does shape your world view. Being around my brother so much this week has emphasized how different my world is from Mr. Curls' world.
How much difference is too much difference? How much do Mr. Curls and I truly have in common? Is it enough? How much of my concerns are genuine? How much of my concerns are more about just adjusting to another person's perspective? My brother and I see eye-to-eye on so many things, but we were raised together, our nature and nurture are both the same and we've known each other twenty three years. Of course I'm on the same page with him. Mr. Curls is a whole other person, from a whole different background. Of course we're not going to be the same on everything. But, what is okay to be different on? Where does difference become conflict? I know part of my anxiousness just comes from being in a relationship with someone. I know part of my worry comes from being in a relationship with this particular someone. What I don't know is how the percentages work out - is it more about being intimidated by being close to someone, or is it more that we're too different for this to work? I'm so confused.
I told my brother, "The sad thing is, he thinks he's such a great cook and the truth is, he's not especially great. Yeah, he can cook, but Gordon Ramsay he is not. Except, that's not how he sees it."
One of Mr. Curls' qualities that worries me is an over estimation of certain abilities or accomplishments which, frankly, I'm not impressed by. I know that sounds harsh, which isn't how I mean it. It's more about him and I coming from very different backgrounds.
Mr. Curls' background = parents who got pregnant in high school to force their parents to allow them to be together. Mr. Curls' dad was a dad at 17, his mom never graduated high school, and his mom became a Jehovah's Witness when he was a kid. Growing up, Mr. Curls was told that, basically, college was out of his league, so between that mentality and getting married at 19 because he was about to be a dad, he never went.
My background = parents who dated for a couple of years, dated long distance, and the first time my dad proposed, saying, "and when you're my wife, you'll never work" (meaning it in a nice way), my mom turned him down because it was important to her to have her own career. My parents had me when my mom was 29 and my dad was 32. When I was a kid, my mom went to college and got her bachelor's degree while working and raising two kids. Growing up, college was always talked about in terms of "when" I would go to college, never if.
The bottom line is that even though Mr. Curls and I grew up in the same city, in a lot of ways, we come from different worlds. Things which, to me, are not newsworthy, are a big deal to him. On some things, I feel like we're just not on the same level. I know that sounds critical and snobbish, but I don't know how else to say it. One thing I keep coming back to is what a difference a college education can make. Having that BA or MA or PhD isn't the be all end all, not by a long shot, but there are certain ways of thinking that college teaches you.
In my composition classes, when I'm talking with my students about the ways the media influences us, when I'm talking about analyzing biases present in movies, newspaper articles, etc., their first reaction is often that I'm "over analyzing" it. A cigar is just a cigar, right? And yes, sometimes, it is. But, sometimes it's not. By the end of the class, at least a few students have had light bulb moments. For instance, sometimes they say, "Oh! Now I get why that commercial is using Jennifer Lopez as a spokesperson, it's 'cause she's scantily clad and the commercial is aimed at men!" Right? Right.
Mr. Curls has told me how, because he's had business experience and because he's so worldly, he can watch a commercial and immediately figure out who it's aimed at. He's impressed friends and family with this skill. He thinks it's cool that I get it, too. I think it's cool that he's figured it out on his own. But, the difficulty comes from the fact that his background, most of his social circle, is not on that level. So, he ends up feeling like big stuff 'cause he knows something they don't. Except, that in my perspective, that puts him on the level with an 18 year-old college freshmen. In his mind, he's on the top of the food chain. In my mind, he's just getting started.
Case in point, the showcase he was so gung-ho about. He was excited because the process was somewhat selective and because he felt like they just weren't picking everyone. Also, apparently, the $800 fee was low compared to other showcases he's heard about. At first glance, it seems promising. But that's skipping a couple of important analytical steps. One thing I always talk to my students about in terms of the motivations of political organizations, for instance, is "where does the money go?" With the showcase, it's put on by the scouting agency, which means the scouting agency is getting the money. Therefore, it's in their best interest to find a large number of people to attend it. They get the registration fee. That's how they get their money, not based on the number of people who actually get agents. So, there's one gigantic, flashing red light. Also, he talked about how he could get discovered, but that skips another important question - why would this be his chance? Yes, he'd be in front of agents, fine. But another important question comes up - if this is an effective way of finding an agent, then who are the actors who've been successful this way? What big names has this particular scouting agency found? What's their track record?
Mr. Curls was excited about the showcase because he felt like he'd thought about the situation critically. I'd say he thought about it more critically than many might, but not critically enough. He was so focused on "well, I asked this question that most people wouldn't, that means I know what I'm doing," that he missed the other, even more important questions.
Another thing I was talking with my brother about was Mr. Curls' far-sightedness. He has this tendency to focus so much on where he wants to be that he overlooks where he is. He has a plan to do real estate work. According to the plan, in 16 months, he's doing real estate. That's fine. But, what about next month? When he hurt his back, he was frustrated because it threw a wrench into his finances and he didn't have enough to go to the showcase (blessing in disguise, right?). His refrain, "but, if I hadn't hurt my back, it would've been fine." The thing is, unexpected things are, by nature, unexpected. I made a comment once about a job I applied for and how, if I got it, I'd spend a couple years living well below my means (i.e. my lifestyle wouldn't really change) because I'd be so focused on clearing away my student loans and building up a big savings buffer. He said, "Well, it's important not to live above your means, but why not live within them?" Well, because of things like back injuries or layoffs or whatever might come up that I can't anticipate.
His culture = you're doing really well if you can pay your bills every month.
My culture = you're doing well if you've got your own home, your car paid off, and a good sized retirement fund.
His culture = "You're marrying a gal you met four months ago? Cool, she seems nice."
My culture = "You're marrying a guy you met four months ago? Are you crazy?"
A lot of the time, the clash isn't so clear. Sometimes, though, it's blindingly so. This past week I've been in Florida, visiting my brother. It's the most time I've spent away from Mr. Curls since we met. I've been away from him, and spending a whole lot of time with my brother, who's an Air Force Lieutenant undergoing pilot training. Mr. Curls works for a trash company. I'm not saying a job or a college degree is the be all end all, but it does shape your world view. Being around my brother so much this week has emphasized how different my world is from Mr. Curls' world.
How much difference is too much difference? How much do Mr. Curls and I truly have in common? Is it enough? How much of my concerns are genuine? How much of my concerns are more about just adjusting to another person's perspective? My brother and I see eye-to-eye on so many things, but we were raised together, our nature and nurture are both the same and we've known each other twenty three years. Of course I'm on the same page with him. Mr. Curls is a whole other person, from a whole different background. Of course we're not going to be the same on everything. But, what is okay to be different on? Where does difference become conflict? I know part of my anxiousness just comes from being in a relationship with someone. I know part of my worry comes from being in a relationship with this particular someone. What I don't know is how the percentages work out - is it more about being intimidated by being close to someone, or is it more that we're too different for this to work? I'm so confused.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Thank the Lord
The day after Mr. Curls contemplated selling his Jeep for the cash to go to a talent showcase, I got a call from him in the morning after he'd finished his physical therapy appointment. Among other things, we talked a little about the showcase.
"I've been thinking about it a lot," he said. I cringed and held my breath, anxiously waiting. "All things considered, I've decided not to go. It's just not financially sound for me right now."
Thank George it was over the phone, because I was practically doing my happy dance. All I said was, "I think you made a good call." What I was thinking was, "Hallelujah! There's hope for him yet!"
I'm super relieved that he decided to walk away from the showcase. I never had a good feeling about it and I very much believe he just cannot afford it. But, on the other hand, I'm not his mom and it's not my place to boss him around. I'm a part of his life, yes, but I'm not a part of his bank account. If things keep on going like they have and we get to the point where it's less about his finances versus my finances and more about our finances, then I'll certainly be more assertive. But, for now, that's not the case and he has to make his own decisions.
The fact that he made the "right" decision in this case is extremely reassuring. He may be a bit problematic in the judgment area, but he's not a total lost cause.
"I've been thinking about it a lot," he said. I cringed and held my breath, anxiously waiting. "All things considered, I've decided not to go. It's just not financially sound for me right now."
Thank George it was over the phone, because I was practically doing my happy dance. All I said was, "I think you made a good call." What I was thinking was, "Hallelujah! There's hope for him yet!"
I'm super relieved that he decided to walk away from the showcase. I never had a good feeling about it and I very much believe he just cannot afford it. But, on the other hand, I'm not his mom and it's not my place to boss him around. I'm a part of his life, yes, but I'm not a part of his bank account. If things keep on going like they have and we get to the point where it's less about his finances versus my finances and more about our finances, then I'll certainly be more assertive. But, for now, that's not the case and he has to make his own decisions.
The fact that he made the "right" decision in this case is extremely reassuring. He may be a bit problematic in the judgment area, but he's not a total lost cause.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
What Worries Me, Part Two
Last night, he talked to me about it because he was trying to figure out what to do and wanted to talk it through. I reiterated what I'd said last week about the talent showcase - a long shot at best, and not something I put a lot of faith in. But, he really wants to do it because showbiz is his dream and he's all idealistic and naive about what, exactly, that would mean. I could tell him it's hard, even with an agent, but he'd tell me he's done hard things before. He ran his own company for a while, even though everybody in the whole world (almost) told him it'd never work. I'm nice enough to point out that if that business had really, really worked, he'd still be doing it. Right? So, instead, I talked to him about my friend's wedding.
One of my most awesome friends is getting married in May and I'd invited Mr. Curls to come with me. The wedding is far enough away that we're looking at some travel expenses and a few nights' stay somewhere. It's not super expensive, but it works out to a couple hundred dollars we'd each be pitching in. I told him that since he was in a money crunch, it might be a good idea for me to go on the trip alone, like I'd been planning to since before he and I met. I've known this trip was coming for a long time and I have money saved for it. Also, if I go alone, it'll actually work out to be cheaper for me.
His response was, "I can't do that. I already promised I'd go. I hate to break commitments." Which leads us to the other part of the problem where he spreads himself too thinly and then has to scramble to make it all work. Like, with the boys. I'm way fond of the boys, so I absolutely don't mean anything bad about them with this next part. When the boys visit, Mr. Curls tends to overspend on them. When they want to go out for pizza, Mr. Curls takes them out for pizza. When they want to go to a movie, Mr. Curls takes them to a movie. It's pretty basic stuff, really, but it adds up. The first time I met the boys, we all played mini golf - there went $50 bucks for about an hour and half of entertainment. Mr. Curls wants to make sure the boys have fun. He wants to spend quality time with them. It's not that he's trying to buy their affection, truly, it's just that he has a hard time saying "no." The problem is, he's too broke for that to work.
When my brother and I were kids, my parents said "no" to us all the time. Not because they were mean, but because they were broke. Going out to a movie in the theater was an indulgence, going out to eat at a restaurant (even a fast food restaurant) was a rare occurrence. My parents simply could not afford it. My childhood, instead, was filled with things like board games, picnics, and lots of time goofing around outdoors. I was not a deprived child, and my parents put a premium on spending quality time with my brother and I. We were happy kids even though our parents didn't spend a whole lot of cash entertaining us.
And, I absolutely believe that the boys would be perfectly happy if Mr. Curls threw less money at them. He's their dad. They love him because they love him. Yeah, they might whine a bit about not going to Subway for lunch, but if it comes down to the difference between Mr. Curls paying his bills or taking the boys to Subway, it's pretty straight-forward math. But, he doesn't see it that way. He sees it as a question of "doing right by them" and of being a selfless parent. While I don't disagree with his motivations, I think he lacks balance in how he fulfills those expectations. I mean, heck, the other night when I brought over some games, the boys were totally into it. Playing Jenga is a whole lot cheaper than black light golf at the mall.
Now, my worry about the money situation comes from my own experience. Ever since I moved out on my own, my financial situation has been characterized by a lack of money. Being a student isn't cheap. Long story short, I get by on very little. Long story short, I know how to get by on very little. So, when I have concerns about his money situation, I'm not just talking out my ass or being judgmental. It's all based on the principle of I've been there and I know what it takes. I'm just not sure he does. He's got his eye fixed on where he wants to be, and I fear he's overlooking where he is.
With all of this together, I have some doubts about Mr. Curls' judgment. I fear he's too idealistic. Too much of a dreamer and not enough of a realist. He's going through a rough patch in his life right now, and while some of that is due to circumstances beyond his control, much of it is due to bad choices he made. The part that scares me is not knowing how much of this is just because of a few specific mistakes and how much of it is because he's got a pattern of getting ahead of himself and making bad calls.
A part of me really cares for him and seriously considers the idea of further entwining my life with his. A part of me is terrified that doing so would be a horrible mistake. I keep telling myself not to panic, that time will tell and I just have to be a little patient to see if this pattern I'm worried about really is present and, if so, how much Mr. Curls is willing/able to break it.
One of my most awesome friends is getting married in May and I'd invited Mr. Curls to come with me. The wedding is far enough away that we're looking at some travel expenses and a few nights' stay somewhere. It's not super expensive, but it works out to a couple hundred dollars we'd each be pitching in. I told him that since he was in a money crunch, it might be a good idea for me to go on the trip alone, like I'd been planning to since before he and I met. I've known this trip was coming for a long time and I have money saved for it. Also, if I go alone, it'll actually work out to be cheaper for me.
His response was, "I can't do that. I already promised I'd go. I hate to break commitments." Which leads us to the other part of the problem where he spreads himself too thinly and then has to scramble to make it all work. Like, with the boys. I'm way fond of the boys, so I absolutely don't mean anything bad about them with this next part. When the boys visit, Mr. Curls tends to overspend on them. When they want to go out for pizza, Mr. Curls takes them out for pizza. When they want to go to a movie, Mr. Curls takes them to a movie. It's pretty basic stuff, really, but it adds up. The first time I met the boys, we all played mini golf - there went $50 bucks for about an hour and half of entertainment. Mr. Curls wants to make sure the boys have fun. He wants to spend quality time with them. It's not that he's trying to buy their affection, truly, it's just that he has a hard time saying "no." The problem is, he's too broke for that to work.
When my brother and I were kids, my parents said "no" to us all the time. Not because they were mean, but because they were broke. Going out to a movie in the theater was an indulgence, going out to eat at a restaurant (even a fast food restaurant) was a rare occurrence. My parents simply could not afford it. My childhood, instead, was filled with things like board games, picnics, and lots of time goofing around outdoors. I was not a deprived child, and my parents put a premium on spending quality time with my brother and I. We were happy kids even though our parents didn't spend a whole lot of cash entertaining us.
And, I absolutely believe that the boys would be perfectly happy if Mr. Curls threw less money at them. He's their dad. They love him because they love him. Yeah, they might whine a bit about not going to Subway for lunch, but if it comes down to the difference between Mr. Curls paying his bills or taking the boys to Subway, it's pretty straight-forward math. But, he doesn't see it that way. He sees it as a question of "doing right by them" and of being a selfless parent. While I don't disagree with his motivations, I think he lacks balance in how he fulfills those expectations. I mean, heck, the other night when I brought over some games, the boys were totally into it. Playing Jenga is a whole lot cheaper than black light golf at the mall.
Now, my worry about the money situation comes from my own experience. Ever since I moved out on my own, my financial situation has been characterized by a lack of money. Being a student isn't cheap. Long story short, I get by on very little. Long story short, I know how to get by on very little. So, when I have concerns about his money situation, I'm not just talking out my ass or being judgmental. It's all based on the principle of I've been there and I know what it takes. I'm just not sure he does. He's got his eye fixed on where he wants to be, and I fear he's overlooking where he is.
With all of this together, I have some doubts about Mr. Curls' judgment. I fear he's too idealistic. Too much of a dreamer and not enough of a realist. He's going through a rough patch in his life right now, and while some of that is due to circumstances beyond his control, much of it is due to bad choices he made. The part that scares me is not knowing how much of this is just because of a few specific mistakes and how much of it is because he's got a pattern of getting ahead of himself and making bad calls.
A part of me really cares for him and seriously considers the idea of further entwining my life with his. A part of me is terrified that doing so would be a horrible mistake. I keep telling myself not to panic, that time will tell and I just have to be a little patient to see if this pattern I'm worried about really is present and, if so, how much Mr. Curls is willing/able to break it.
Friday, April 30, 2010
What Worries Me, Part One
Mr. Curls has a lot of good qualities. He's kind, he's honest, he's considerate of others, he makes me laugh, he's loyal... All of them are things that are important to me in a partner. Plus, I adore the curly hair, of course.
The thing is, while in a lot of ways he's had to mature quickly because of the proverbial school of hard knocks, in some ways he's still painfully naive. The more I learn about certain things, the more I doubt his judgment in certain areas.
For starters, we've got ex #2 and the part where he thought it was a perfectly good idea to marry someone he'd only known for five months. Then he defends the decision by saying she "seemed" like the right gal. Even overlooking the obvious red flags that popped up, like she was 20, living with (i.e. mooching off) her grandmother, a single mom who wasn't motivated to hold a job, and had never supported herself independently... getting married to someone you've only known for five months is a bad idea. We're talking about making a the-rest-of-your-life kind of commitment to someone before celebrating both of your birthdays (or Christmas, or whatever) with them. If you can't make it a year, how can you expect to make it the rest of your lives?
But, whatever, I figure everyone's allowed at least one big fuck up in their lives, right? What worries me most is two things:
1. His reluctance/inability to say "no" to people, even when he really should (see previous example).
2. Some of his habits, i.e. money management, are not as mature as he thinks they are.
The two kind of tie together, too. He tends to overrate his ability to take care of things, especially when it comes down to the difference between telling someone else no or making a sacrifice to tell them yes. Lemme give you the short version.
The past couple of years have been bad years for Mr. Curls. There was a divorce, a re-marriage, the break down of that marriage, and a bankruptcy in that time. It all added up to result in Mr. Curls currently working for a trash company and living on a shoestring budget. He's got a plan to get started in real estate (and since he's worked as an appraiser, I'm not as wary of this plan as I might be otherwise) which, among other things, will require a start up fund. The plan is to get started on this within 16 months. Me, hearing that, I assume he'd be working on building up a savings to go toward that start up. Um, as it turns out, not so much. He told me he might sell his Jeep to get the money (he'd still have the truck he inherited from his grandpa).
Last week, there was a "casting call" in town. One of Mr. Curls' dreams is acting, and he was jazzed to go. He was even more jazzed afterward 'cause he got picked to go to a showcase in June. Here's the part that makes me wary - my city isn't exactly Hollywood and out of thirty people who turned up, the scouting company picked ten. That's one third, not exactly super competitive. Also, it's a scouting agency, not an agent agency. They run a showcase in Saint Louis with an $800 registration fee. At this showcase, agents show up, look at the people who've been scouted, and decide if they want to work with them. This means paying $800, plus travel expenses, to have an agent decide whether or not they want to represent you. Then, if they do, it's a question of whether or not that agent can get you work. In this whole equation, I see a handful of red flags, but the bottom line is that it's a significant chunk of change and no guarantee.
Mr. Curls really wants to go, and I mean REALLY. He sees it as his break. The scout said nice things about him, and there are certainly nice things to be said about Mr. Curls. He's also thinking of a time a few years ago when he auditioned for a spot on a Sci-Fi Channel show and got a couple of call backs, "I was their fourth choice or so for the role, and that's something." He's all optimistic and thinking this could be his big chance and even if it doesn't work out, which at least he admits is a possibility, he's got the real estate plan to fall back on. Maybe I'm just a pessimist, but I think he's being naive. Yes, maybe this could be his moment, but I think that maybe is a pretty far shot. Meanwhile, he just spent a week not working because of his back injury and even though he's partly back this week, he's not back at his usual hours, i.e. little paycheck action going on right now.
Last night, he said, "I need to come up with $500 dollars in the next seven days to pay bills and put a deposit on the showcase." The deposit for the showcase is $300, which leaves him with $500 more to come up with before June. He talked about selling the Jeep this week to get the cash. That tells me he doesn't have anything in savings and he's willing to sell the Jeep quickly, i.e. cheaply, just to have the cash for a long-shot chance at showbiz.
But wait, there's more...
The thing is, while in a lot of ways he's had to mature quickly because of the proverbial school of hard knocks, in some ways he's still painfully naive. The more I learn about certain things, the more I doubt his judgment in certain areas.
For starters, we've got ex #2 and the part where he thought it was a perfectly good idea to marry someone he'd only known for five months. Then he defends the decision by saying she "seemed" like the right gal. Even overlooking the obvious red flags that popped up, like she was 20, living with (i.e. mooching off) her grandmother, a single mom who wasn't motivated to hold a job, and had never supported herself independently... getting married to someone you've only known for five months is a bad idea. We're talking about making a the-rest-of-your-life kind of commitment to someone before celebrating both of your birthdays (or Christmas, or whatever) with them. If you can't make it a year, how can you expect to make it the rest of your lives?
But, whatever, I figure everyone's allowed at least one big fuck up in their lives, right? What worries me most is two things:
1. His reluctance/inability to say "no" to people, even when he really should (see previous example).
2. Some of his habits, i.e. money management, are not as mature as he thinks they are.
The two kind of tie together, too. He tends to overrate his ability to take care of things, especially when it comes down to the difference between telling someone else no or making a sacrifice to tell them yes. Lemme give you the short version.
The past couple of years have been bad years for Mr. Curls. There was a divorce, a re-marriage, the break down of that marriage, and a bankruptcy in that time. It all added up to result in Mr. Curls currently working for a trash company and living on a shoestring budget. He's got a plan to get started in real estate (and since he's worked as an appraiser, I'm not as wary of this plan as I might be otherwise) which, among other things, will require a start up fund. The plan is to get started on this within 16 months. Me, hearing that, I assume he'd be working on building up a savings to go toward that start up. Um, as it turns out, not so much. He told me he might sell his Jeep to get the money (he'd still have the truck he inherited from his grandpa).
Last week, there was a "casting call" in town. One of Mr. Curls' dreams is acting, and he was jazzed to go. He was even more jazzed afterward 'cause he got picked to go to a showcase in June. Here's the part that makes me wary - my city isn't exactly Hollywood and out of thirty people who turned up, the scouting company picked ten. That's one third, not exactly super competitive. Also, it's a scouting agency, not an agent agency. They run a showcase in Saint Louis with an $800 registration fee. At this showcase, agents show up, look at the people who've been scouted, and decide if they want to work with them. This means paying $800, plus travel expenses, to have an agent decide whether or not they want to represent you. Then, if they do, it's a question of whether or not that agent can get you work. In this whole equation, I see a handful of red flags, but the bottom line is that it's a significant chunk of change and no guarantee.
Mr. Curls really wants to go, and I mean REALLY. He sees it as his break. The scout said nice things about him, and there are certainly nice things to be said about Mr. Curls. He's also thinking of a time a few years ago when he auditioned for a spot on a Sci-Fi Channel show and got a couple of call backs, "I was their fourth choice or so for the role, and that's something." He's all optimistic and thinking this could be his big chance and even if it doesn't work out, which at least he admits is a possibility, he's got the real estate plan to fall back on. Maybe I'm just a pessimist, but I think he's being naive. Yes, maybe this could be his moment, but I think that maybe is a pretty far shot. Meanwhile, he just spent a week not working because of his back injury and even though he's partly back this week, he's not back at his usual hours, i.e. little paycheck action going on right now.
Last night, he said, "I need to come up with $500 dollars in the next seven days to pay bills and put a deposit on the showcase." The deposit for the showcase is $300, which leaves him with $500 more to come up with before June. He talked about selling the Jeep this week to get the cash. That tells me he doesn't have anything in savings and he's willing to sell the Jeep quickly, i.e. cheaply, just to have the cash for a long-shot chance at showbiz.
But wait, there's more...
Thursday, April 29, 2010
An Unexpected Ally
Yesterday, Mr. Curls got a call from ex #2's new boyfriend. Mr. Curls has a couple of things the ex wants, and the boyfriend called to arrange a time so he could pick them up. The ex, it seems, was busy (shocker!).
The conversation went kind of like this:
Boyfriend: So, can I come by and pick those things up?
Mr. Curls: Sure. I'll trade you.
Boyfriend: Huh?
Mr. Curls: Well, when you come to pick up the stuff, I'm going to ask that you take divorce papers with you.
Boyfriend: What? I thought that was all underway already.
Mr. Curls: Believe me, I'd very much like it to be.
Boyfriend: Yeah, me too. I'll make sure it gets done.
Mr. Curls met his ex's new fella yesterday and he says the guy's pretty decent. He said, "I wanted to tell him to run for the hills and save himself, but I'll wait until after the paperwork's signed."
I'm so pleased the boyfriend is intent on getting the divorce going. He's the most likely person to get the ex to cooperate, and now I'm just hoping that she's keen enough on making him happy to finalize the divorce for his sake. It's nice that he and Mr. Curls see eye-to-eye on the issue and that he seems like he's going to help minimize the drama, rather than increase it. I haven't met the dude, yet I feel like I want to hug him.
The conversation went kind of like this:
Boyfriend: So, can I come by and pick those things up?
Mr. Curls: Sure. I'll trade you.
Boyfriend: Huh?
Mr. Curls: Well, when you come to pick up the stuff, I'm going to ask that you take divorce papers with you.
Boyfriend: What? I thought that was all underway already.
Mr. Curls: Believe me, I'd very much like it to be.
Boyfriend: Yeah, me too. I'll make sure it gets done.
Mr. Curls met his ex's new fella yesterday and he says the guy's pretty decent. He said, "I wanted to tell him to run for the hills and save himself, but I'll wait until after the paperwork's signed."
I'm so pleased the boyfriend is intent on getting the divorce going. He's the most likely person to get the ex to cooperate, and now I'm just hoping that she's keen enough on making him happy to finalize the divorce for his sake. It's nice that he and Mr. Curls see eye-to-eye on the issue and that he seems like he's going to help minimize the drama, rather than increase it. I haven't met the dude, yet I feel like I want to hug him.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Saying It, Not Saying It, and Saying It Without Words
Sunday night, after the boys had gone home and Mr. Curls and I did a bit of physical therapy, he was in a thoughtful mood.
"What's on your mind?" I asked.
"I've been thinking a lot this past week about a conversation we had a while back."
Sometimes, it's almost eerie the way he and I can practically read each other's minds. Given the mood we were in, the way the day had gone, and what he said, I immediately put the pieces together and knew that he meant the conversation where we'd been talking about a four-letter word.
"There have been times lately," he said, "where there'll be a moment and I'm just a breath away from saying it." He paused, waiting for me to respond.
"I've been thinking about it, too. You know, trying it out in my head, and there's been a time or two where it's been on the tip of my tongue."
He nodded. "It's strange, because in those moments, it's like we have the thought and we both know it and even though we don't say it, it's almost like we did." He paused again, this time figuring out how to say the next part. "Between the two of us, and the experiences we've had, it's harder for us to say it than it is for other people. But, I hope that you can see it, in what I do, in the way I look at you."
It was a scary moment. I thought to myself, I guess maybe this is real. It's not just dating. This is a guy who cares about me all the way. So, I said, "I don't know if I'm ready to say it yet, but that doesn't mean I don't mean it. The word isn't ready, but the feeling is there."
Sunday night is the night that we told each other "I love you" for the first time, even though neither of us said those three words. The words are important, and it'll be important for us to actually say them. But, even without the words themselves, we got the idea across.
"What's on your mind?" I asked.
"I've been thinking a lot this past week about a conversation we had a while back."
Sometimes, it's almost eerie the way he and I can practically read each other's minds. Given the mood we were in, the way the day had gone, and what he said, I immediately put the pieces together and knew that he meant the conversation where we'd been talking about a four-letter word.
"There have been times lately," he said, "where there'll be a moment and I'm just a breath away from saying it." He paused, waiting for me to respond.
"I've been thinking about it, too. You know, trying it out in my head, and there's been a time or two where it's been on the tip of my tongue."
He nodded. "It's strange, because in those moments, it's like we have the thought and we both know it and even though we don't say it, it's almost like we did." He paused again, this time figuring out how to say the next part. "Between the two of us, and the experiences we've had, it's harder for us to say it than it is for other people. But, I hope that you can see it, in what I do, in the way I look at you."
It was a scary moment. I thought to myself, I guess maybe this is real. It's not just dating. This is a guy who cares about me all the way. So, I said, "I don't know if I'm ready to say it yet, but that doesn't mean I don't mean it. The word isn't ready, but the feeling is there."
Sunday night is the night that we told each other "I love you" for the first time, even though neither of us said those three words. The words are important, and it'll be important for us to actually say them. But, even without the words themselves, we got the idea across.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
From the Mouth of Babes, or Another Weekend With the Boys
I spent more time hanging out with Mr. Curls and the boys this weekend. It surprises me how quickly the four of us have slipped into a comfortable zone. The boys have totally taken me in stride and I liked them from the outset. E., the younger boy, has basically adopted me wholesale. On Sunday, we took two cars to the park and frozen yogurt shop because I was leaving directly from there to meet some friends for dinner. Before we left the apartment, E. heard this and promptly told Mr. Curls, "A. can go with you, and I'll go with Jean." Just like that, I had a co-pilot.
Mr. Curls got a bit uncomfortable with his son proclaiming he'd ride with me without asking me first. Mr. Curls told E. that it was up to me whether or not that would be the case. For my part, I didn't mind and I took it as a stamp of approval that E. volunteered himself to ride with me.
E. also dropped a nugget of info over blueberry pancakes at breakfast. A. made the comment that he, Mr. Curls, and I were all oldest siblings, which made E. the odd man out. E. proceeded to tell me that he used to be the middle kid when he had a step mom. Turns out, ex #2 had a two-year-old daughter. It fits what little I know about her, and especially what I know about Mr. Curls. The toddler, meaning she got pregnant either at the tail end of 17 or the beginning of being 18, makes sense. She wasn't the paragon of virtue (I'm not generalizing here, but making a specific statement about this particular gal) and it fits that she was a teen mom. It also fits that Mr. Curls would see that, connect it to his own early fatherhood, and see a connection with her. Also, it makes a little more sense that he would get so tied with this gal so quickly, because he might have been looking at it not only as taking care of this chic, but also as taking care of her kid. Kids are a definite soft spot for him, especially since his access to his boys is so limited (their mom moved an hour and a half away after the divorce).
When E. talked about the ex, it was an interesting moment. Mr. Curls was certainly watching my reaction since the two-year-old was part of the bank of non-essential information we'd talked about me learning at a later date. So, it's not like he was keeping a secret, per se, but E. was telling me something Mr. Curls hadn't. Mr. Curls watched me.
E. watched me too. He's a kid who's got little by way of filter between what he thinks and what he says, but I sensed a tiny bit of purpose behind the comment. I'm not sure what that purpose might have been, but something in what he said was about me, because he watched me pretty closely, waiting for a response instead of talking on. From the tone and his attitude, I lean toward thinking that his comment about having had a step mom before was a little bit aimed toward hinting that it'd be okay if he had a step mom again. Or, maybe I'm reading too much into it. Either way, after I said a neutral, "Oh yeah?" the moment passed.
(Side Note: Mr. Curls haven't talked about the revelation yet. He hasn't brought it up, and I wanted to wait for the right moment. It's not something I'm worried about, really, and it's not something where I'm upset with him for not telling me. The conversations we've had about the exes have been pretty clear on the part where I don't want all the details at once and the part where he's got more to tell than I know so far. I made it clear that if there was anything that'd directly affect me, I wanted to know now, and I trust him that the unknown parts are okay to be unknown right now. The ex's kid info is important, but it doesn't directly affect me, so I'm okay that he hadn't told me that part yet.)
After breakfast, we bummed around a bit until I suggested we go to the park to let the boys get some fresh air. Mr. Curls smiled. "It's interesting how you said 'we' like it was the most natural thing in the world." E. jumped on the idea, proclaiming it'd be "romantic" for me and Mr. Curls. He was less impressed when, at the park, Mr. Curls declined to play tag because of his back - it's better, but not yet 100%. Both of the boys gave him a hard time about being a wuss, but Mr. Curls held firm and the boys decided they were over this whole park thing and it was time for frozen yogurt.
Later, at the yogurt shop, I went to the ladies room to wash my hands after I finished my dessert and stood at the sink next to a young lady who worked there. She smiled at me and said, "My friend and I were talking about you and your husband. We think you're so cute together."
I debated with myself for a moment whether or not to correct the misunderstanding, then I just said, "Thanks." I wonder if the assumption also followed that I was the boys' mom. It's interesting to think about.
The whole situation with Mr. Curls' complicated past and the boys' complicated parental situation is, well, complicated, and now I'm plopped in the middle of it. I'm cautious about the whole thing, because there's so much potential for drama, but so far things have gone along with remarkable smoothness. It's unexpected and leaves me wondering, why isn't it harder? Is this too easy? That part makes me a little nervous.
Mr. Curls got a bit uncomfortable with his son proclaiming he'd ride with me without asking me first. Mr. Curls told E. that it was up to me whether or not that would be the case. For my part, I didn't mind and I took it as a stamp of approval that E. volunteered himself to ride with me.
E. also dropped a nugget of info over blueberry pancakes at breakfast. A. made the comment that he, Mr. Curls, and I were all oldest siblings, which made E. the odd man out. E. proceeded to tell me that he used to be the middle kid when he had a step mom. Turns out, ex #2 had a two-year-old daughter. It fits what little I know about her, and especially what I know about Mr. Curls. The toddler, meaning she got pregnant either at the tail end of 17 or the beginning of being 18, makes sense. She wasn't the paragon of virtue (I'm not generalizing here, but making a specific statement about this particular gal) and it fits that she was a teen mom. It also fits that Mr. Curls would see that, connect it to his own early fatherhood, and see a connection with her. Also, it makes a little more sense that he would get so tied with this gal so quickly, because he might have been looking at it not only as taking care of this chic, but also as taking care of her kid. Kids are a definite soft spot for him, especially since his access to his boys is so limited (their mom moved an hour and a half away after the divorce).
When E. talked about the ex, it was an interesting moment. Mr. Curls was certainly watching my reaction since the two-year-old was part of the bank of non-essential information we'd talked about me learning at a later date. So, it's not like he was keeping a secret, per se, but E. was telling me something Mr. Curls hadn't. Mr. Curls watched me.
E. watched me too. He's a kid who's got little by way of filter between what he thinks and what he says, but I sensed a tiny bit of purpose behind the comment. I'm not sure what that purpose might have been, but something in what he said was about me, because he watched me pretty closely, waiting for a response instead of talking on. From the tone and his attitude, I lean toward thinking that his comment about having had a step mom before was a little bit aimed toward hinting that it'd be okay if he had a step mom again. Or, maybe I'm reading too much into it. Either way, after I said a neutral, "Oh yeah?" the moment passed.
(Side Note: Mr. Curls haven't talked about the revelation yet. He hasn't brought it up, and I wanted to wait for the right moment. It's not something I'm worried about, really, and it's not something where I'm upset with him for not telling me. The conversations we've had about the exes have been pretty clear on the part where I don't want all the details at once and the part where he's got more to tell than I know so far. I made it clear that if there was anything that'd directly affect me, I wanted to know now, and I trust him that the unknown parts are okay to be unknown right now. The ex's kid info is important, but it doesn't directly affect me, so I'm okay that he hadn't told me that part yet.)
After breakfast, we bummed around a bit until I suggested we go to the park to let the boys get some fresh air. Mr. Curls smiled. "It's interesting how you said 'we' like it was the most natural thing in the world." E. jumped on the idea, proclaiming it'd be "romantic" for me and Mr. Curls. He was less impressed when, at the park, Mr. Curls declined to play tag because of his back - it's better, but not yet 100%. Both of the boys gave him a hard time about being a wuss, but Mr. Curls held firm and the boys decided they were over this whole park thing and it was time for frozen yogurt.
Later, at the yogurt shop, I went to the ladies room to wash my hands after I finished my dessert and stood at the sink next to a young lady who worked there. She smiled at me and said, "My friend and I were talking about you and your husband. We think you're so cute together."
I debated with myself for a moment whether or not to correct the misunderstanding, then I just said, "Thanks." I wonder if the assumption also followed that I was the boys' mom. It's interesting to think about.
The whole situation with Mr. Curls' complicated past and the boys' complicated parental situation is, well, complicated, and now I'm plopped in the middle of it. I'm cautious about the whole thing, because there's so much potential for drama, but so far things have gone along with remarkable smoothness. It's unexpected and leaves me wondering, why isn't it harder? Is this too easy? That part makes me a little nervous.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Doctor's Orders
Mr. Curls had another visit with the doctor and physical therapist today and afterward, I was asking him about what they had to say about how he's healing up and when they'd give him the okay to go back to work. We were chatting about that for a few minutes, when talk of him being healed enough to go back to work lead to talk about him being okay for other activities.
"There was one thing the doctor mentioned... He mentioned you, actually. He said as long as we took it kind of easy, I should be well enough to get naughty with you. In fact," he winked, "the doctor said that the particular hip movements involved would actually be good for me. You know, like physical therapy."
"Oh, really?" I said.
"Really."
"Well, I guess I could go along with that," I said, taking off his shirt. "You know, in the spirit of doing my part to help you get healed up."
I was a little bit worried at first, but there proved to be no need. Afterward, Mr. Curls informed me that the doctor was right and it had helped. His back felt better. Talk about a good prescription ;)
"There was one thing the doctor mentioned... He mentioned you, actually. He said as long as we took it kind of easy, I should be well enough to get naughty with you. In fact," he winked, "the doctor said that the particular hip movements involved would actually be good for me. You know, like physical therapy."
"Oh, really?" I said.
"Really."
"Well, I guess I could go along with that," I said, taking off his shirt. "You know, in the spirit of doing my part to help you get healed up."
I was a little bit worried at first, but there proved to be no need. Afterward, Mr. Curls informed me that the doctor was right and it had helped. His back felt better. Talk about a good prescription ;)
Monday, April 19, 2010
Brother Meets Boyfriend
Since my brother is a young guy with some time on his hands between phases of his pilot training, he decided to take a road trip on his motorcycle from Florida to Colorado. He, and his very sore butt, got into town the night before last, so yesterday me and Mr. Curls met up with my brother and his girlfriend so Mr. Curls could meet my little brother.
We met up, grilled some hamburgers, and spent the afternoon hanging out. My brother and Mr. Curls hit it off right away. In part, because their personalities just work, and in part because my brother was way excited that he wasn't the only boy. In the past, there have been times where it's been me, my brother, and the girlfriend and she and I have ganged up on him. This time, my brother had another guy as backup.
See, my brother is ticklish. WAY ticklish. That makes it really hilarious when me and the girlfriend team up and attack him. He giggles in a distinctly girlish way when he gets tickled, and he flails helplessly about, which entertains me and the girlfriend to no end. Yesterday, there came a point when we were all sitting on the lawn outside and me and the girlfriend decided it was a good time to tackle my brother.
There I was, getting some good rib tickling in, when suddenly, I got blindsided by a sneak attack as Mr. Curls tickled me from behind. Ticklishness, like thick hair, is a trait my brother and I share. So, as soon as Mr. Curls came at me and exploited this weakness, I was out of commission, leaving my brother with much better odds. Mr. Curls scored major points with my brother for that and it pretty much cemented their alliance.
Mr. Curls has officially passed the brother test. Now the girlfriend and I have lost the two-against-one girl advantage. Tragic, I tell you. Tragic ;)
We met up, grilled some hamburgers, and spent the afternoon hanging out. My brother and Mr. Curls hit it off right away. In part, because their personalities just work, and in part because my brother was way excited that he wasn't the only boy. In the past, there have been times where it's been me, my brother, and the girlfriend and she and I have ganged up on him. This time, my brother had another guy as backup.
See, my brother is ticklish. WAY ticklish. That makes it really hilarious when me and the girlfriend team up and attack him. He giggles in a distinctly girlish way when he gets tickled, and he flails helplessly about, which entertains me and the girlfriend to no end. Yesterday, there came a point when we were all sitting on the lawn outside and me and the girlfriend decided it was a good time to tackle my brother.
There I was, getting some good rib tickling in, when suddenly, I got blindsided by a sneak attack as Mr. Curls tickled me from behind. Ticklishness, like thick hair, is a trait my brother and I share. So, as soon as Mr. Curls came at me and exploited this weakness, I was out of commission, leaving my brother with much better odds. Mr. Curls scored major points with my brother for that and it pretty much cemented their alliance.
Mr. Curls has officially passed the brother test. Now the girlfriend and I have lost the two-against-one girl advantage. Tragic, I tell you. Tragic ;)
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