A Four-Letter Word

Last weekend, Mr. Curls and I had a conversation we'd been warming up to for a few days. He had said something on the phone the night before regarding the timing of when I met the boys, "I was talking with my sister about it and I told her that I thought it would be best if certain things happened first." He paused, trying to figure out the next part. "Certain mile markers that we haven't gotten to yet. But, when I talked to her, and now that you've met them, I started thinking that the timing was just right anyway."

"Certain mile markers, huh?"

"Yeah..."

"I'm thinking I may have a hunch about that, which makes me think it'd be better to save that thought for a time when we can talk about it in person."

The next day, when I went over to his place, we got back to that thought. See, I had a hunch about what it was, because I've gotten to know him pretty well and because I'd been talking with a friend about a specific anxiety I was having in regard to the relationship. It's not a bad thing, but it is a thing that freaks me out because of its implications.

"So," I said, "about that mile marker you were talking about last night, let's talk about that."

"Okay, let's talk about that," he said.

Both of us were feeling awkward by that point. We do that sometimes. We'll both be struggling for words, trying to figure out how to say what we mean. Sometimes, the process even involves blushing and scrunched up facial expressions, but the important thing is that even if it's not easy, or if it's uncomfortable, we push through and say what we need to say. It took us a while to get to the heart of the matter where we described a certain four-letter word. A word that's way scary and starts with an "L."

With this conversation, there was a fair amount of talking around the idea before we finally landed on it, because that word intimidates us both. For both of us, that word does not come easily. After a lot of pauses and comments where more was implied that said, but where we both knew what the other meant, we reached the point where we told each other that word had been on our minds. We've both been thinking about it, but neither of us is quite ready to say it out loud yet. Neither of us is quite ready to claim it yet.

But, we've been thinking about it. I've been trying it out in my head, too. Just in my thoughts, I'll try out an idea that has that word. I'm testing how it feels. It feels alright, to be honest. It feels like maybe I could say it soon. That, maybe, is the scariest part. In the past, like with my first boyfriend, I knew it wasn't there. He said it, and I said, "Me too," because that's what he wanted, but I knew I didn't feel it. That was easier. Now, I test it and I have a "Yes, maybe" kind of thought, which makes me a million bajillion times more uneasy.

If I say that word, that means I mean it. If I mean that word, that means I'm saying yes to this guy. I'm saying that I feel enough for him to go beyond a guy I like spending time with and I like being intimate with. I'm saying that I feel enough for him to think about it not as his future and my future, but as our future. So, I try the word out in my head and take my time before I get ready to try and say it out loud.