Let's Be Honest

On the dating website I subscribe to, there is a list. As you look at profiles, if you are uninterested in someone you select a reason from this list. The options are vague, like "religious differences" or "not a good fit." I understand the need to be nice in creating reasons for rejection, but sometimes I wish the list was a little more specific. Sometimes "not a good fit" doesn't really say it. On occasion, it'd be nice to have options like:

• He's 30 and still lives with his MOM
• Seems like a psycho
• Clearly has his head stuck up his posterior
• Thinks he's God's gift to women
• Wrote his profile in ALL CAPS!
• Can't write intelligibly
  
• Thinks being unemployed is cool
• Not sure why, but he gives me a creepy, creepy vibe
• Seems like a pervert
• Man whore
  
• Alcoholic
• Chauvinist

I'm sure y'all can think of many others to add on top of that ;)

The Charlie List

Maybe a year ago, I had a dream about, literally, my dream-guy. His name was Charlie. Since then, the detail about the dream have become fuzzy, but the name Charlie has become my shorthand for my ideal guy. Now, as I am a big believer that people tend to find what they're looking for, today seems like a good day for a list of the traits my perfect guy has.

Charlie:

• Thinks meeting me was like winning the lotto
  
• Has the kind of smile that makes me smile when I see it
• Has a creative passion/passion for creating something
• Is confident
  
• Loves exploration
• Thinks I'm gorgeous
  
• Has a good relationship with his family
• Takes care of himself - I'm not talking gym fanatic, but someone who puts some effort into being healthy
• Likes my dog
• Knows himself & knows what he wants
  
• Enjoys the beauty of the world
• Would rather focus on solutions than problems
• Puts a premium on loyalty
  
• Is flexible and willing to compromise
• Has at least a bachelor's degree
• Enjoys traveling to new places
• Is physically affectionate
• Makes a phone call instead of sending a text
  
• No drugs or cigarettes/cigars
• Likes to have a couple beers sometimes, but isn't a big drinker
• Supportive of me, even if he doesn't get why I want something
• Is more outgoing than me
• Will try just about anything at least once
• Is probably not Christian, or at least isn't hard-core
• Respects my differences - i.e. it's okay if we like different music
• Cooks
• Does the dishes
• Makes romantic gestures - not necessarily a dozen roses, but leaves me a nice note, surprises me with a picnic, type of thing
• Likes his job
  
• Will take risks - thinks having a thing turn out badly is still better than being too afraid to attempt it
• Laughs easily
• Enjoys the odd corny joke/pun
• Gets along with my family
• Is good at managing his money. Even if he's not exactly raking it in, he's not in debt/buying things he can't afford
• Would rather buy something because it's interesting/has character than simply because it's a status symbol
  
• Gets excited about things like waking up at 3 a.m. to go watch a meteor shower
• Does what he says he's going to do
  

I could make the list longer and more specific, but I think these are the most important things. Other stuff, like what kind of job he has or what he looks like, aren't especially important to me. I mean, yeah, he's got to look good to me, but I don't have a specific criteria for that. (A single friend of mine has a long list of the arbitrary shit - must be at least 6" tall with athletic build and blond hair, etc. It's stupid.)

Anyhow, this is my dream list. If you know of a guy who meets this criteria and is in his late 20s/early 30s, do a girl a favor and send him my way.

Holding Pattern

As much as I loved my recent visit with Camii, it also made me a bit sad. All around me, I keep seeing people who are making progress in their lives. They've got relationships, careers, families, and they're generally headed somewhere. Camii just got her BA in psychology and she's planning to work in counseling. I think she'll be good at it. She's got the boyfriend, they're going to get married, they've got a condo she's fixed up and decorated, and these days she's also talking about another plan: the having-kids plan. She's building a life. Good for her.

And yet... as I sat there at the graduation ceremony, half listening to various important people talk to the graduating class about potential and the wonderful things they'll do next, that feeling of getting left behind crept over me again.

I look at what I've got, and I see no plan, no direction. It's all uncertainty. I'm almost finished with my master's, but when, exactly, that'll happen is unclear. I've been working on my damn thesis so long that I feel like I'm going to work on it forever. I've got a job, yes, but being a university adjunct instructor is part time work at best, and it's not going to work long-term, if for no other reason than insufficient pay. At the same time, I don't want to get a terminal degree so I can make the teaching gig more permanent. Right now, the idea of yet more school is as unappealing as soggy oatmeal. So, no career.

Relationships: They've always been hard for me and now my most recent close friend is moving away. Otherwise, I don't really have people I can call on the weekend to go out. I'm working on that, but it's slow going. Most of my favorite people live in nearby towns (vs. the same one as me) and have spouses/children, which makes them hard to spend time with.

Dating: Army Guy has some promise, but isn't entirely reliable. Depending on the day, on the hour, my prognosis of how that'll go roller-coasters. I got another nibble on the website, but the guy lives 100 miles away and it's still very early stage.

Family: I love my parents, but we don't always see eye-to-eye. My brother's moving far away. All the rest of my relatives are people I barely know, thanks to living so far away from them. And, without the dating part working, the family of my own isn't going to happen either.

In short, I feel like my life has lost momentum. Potential? Yes, there's potential. But having potential, on its own, doesn't really get you anywhere. I'm off of both school and work for the first summer since I was in middle school, and instead of being thrilled at the break, I keep feeling lost.

A List To Start With

I like lists. They're neat and tidy and once you've written one down, you feel like you've accomplished something. I make them often. Something in the act itself makes things feel more ordered and safe. Thus, I figured it would be good to have a list. I'm grouping the list in terms of girly and non-girly.

Non-Girly:

• I'm big on stoicism.
• I'm not always a big talker.
• I like to present myself as coming from a position of power and control.
• I tend to be blunt/direct.
• I have a competitive streak.
• I don't spend a lot of time/money on specialized grooming products - i.e. I don't own a hair dryer, don't use my curling iron, don't have hair spray or make up, and I have never had a manicure or pedicure.
• I really like having my alone time.
• When I was engaged, I planned my wedding to be simple: do the license at the court house, then have a BBQ with friends and family.
• I break problems down into a plan of attack. I don't want to talk and talk about something, I'd rather just start doing something about it.
• I keep my nails short because it's practical that way.
• I'm one of the least squeamish people I know. My parents are hunters. I worked at an animal rehab. center for a number of years, which entailed lots of excrement clean up and taking animals apart.
• Except for very rare occasions, I'd much rather cram stuff into my pockets than carry a purse.

Girly:

• I make jewelry and rarely step out of the house without wearing a necklace that coordinates with my outfit.
• I'm a big fan of young mammals like puppies and kittens or babies.
• I love bath salts and lotions.
• I have lots of scented candles.
• I put time into shopping for clothes, trying on many things to make sure that what I buy looks good on me and fits.
• I sometimes speak to my dog in baby talk.
• In certain circumstances, I'm quite the gossip.

Two things are clear in this list: I find a lot more of my traits to be non-girly than to be girly, (which, admittedly, we already knew), and that I have certain prejudices about "girly" ness. But, well, there it is. A frame of reference.