The Big L

The other night, Mr. Curls and I were lying in bed all cuddled up and snug. I had my head on his shoulder and I was thinking it'd be so easy to say it. It's just words. They don't need to be hard.

"You're quiet," Mr. Curls said.

"So are you."

"Yeah... I was thinking about a conversation we had a while back. One where we went in circles for a little while..."

"Mmm... that one," I said, knowing exactly what he was talking about. "I was thinking about that too." I winked at him. "Jinx."

He gave me a kiss. "What were you thinking?"

"I was thinking about saying the words out loud. I was wondering what they'd sound like."

There was a pause where neither of us said anything, both of us trying to be brave enough to go for it. I took a breath and reached up to cover his eyes. Mr. Curls laughed, "Shouldn't you be covering your own eyes, you know, execution style?"

"Hush," I said, burying my face in his chest. I was trying to get the courage to say the words out loud, and maybe I had enough to say them, but I didn't think I was brave enough to say them and look him in the eye at the same time. I took another deep breath and whispered, "I love you."

Mr. Curls hugged me tight. "I love you," he said. I hugged him back, as tight as I could manage, not wanting to let go. Leap of faith, my friends. Leap of faith.

Mr. Curls' Dad

This past week Mr. Curls' grandfather passed away. His grandfather's health had been in decline for a while and the death didn't come as a great surprise. However, even expected deaths are difficult. The one lighter side of it is that Mr. Curls' father came to town for the memorial service and to help take care of what needed taking care of.

I didn't go to the memorial, but I did meet Mr. Curls' dad the next day. We went to a diner to get some space from the rest of the family and ate pie while we chatted. It was funny to me to see the similarity in some of their mannerisms and ways of speaking. I definitely see the resemblance ;) I enjoyed it and knew I was okay in Mr. Dad's book when he told me, "It was wonderful to meet you. You are the best thing that's happened to my son in a very long time."

Photo Field Trip

Today, I spent the morning getting caught up from spending two weeks out of town and I spent the afternoon with Mr. Curls. Now that I've had a couple of days to decompress from traveling, I was in a much better mood and we had a really lovely afternoon together.

A big part of our adventures today included driving all around town and out of it, doing some hunting for things for me to take pictures of for my photography club. I'm still getting the hang of my new camera and I've been less than thrilled with how it takes pictures in low light. I'm sure I can adjust the settings to make them come out better, but I haven't quite figured it out yet. It's a shame, too, I really like the elements and composition of this photo, but I'm not ecstatic about the photo quality.

On the bright side, I quite like the spot Mr. Curls took me to get the photo. We'll have to go back.

What's the Point of a Relationship? More Importantly, What's the Point of This One?

Gosh, the past few posts have primarily been all about bashing Mr. Curls. It's enough to make one wonder why I haven't drop-kicked him out the door already. I mean, heck, it almost seems like I don't even like him at all. It's not that I don't like him, it's just that I'm worried. The worry has made me do a lot of thinking about my relationship priorities. Lately, between seeing my friend get hitched, traveling both with and without him, and talking to different people who're in relationships, I've spent a lot of time thinking about the nature of relationships. I mean, seriously, why are people in them?

Aside from a regular sex partner and somebody to hang out with, what's the point of romantic relationships? The hardest part is that there's no one set answer. I feel like a kid who's stumped on a quiz question and frustrated because each of the multiple choice answers feels like it could be right, but I have to pick which one's the best answer. I feel cheated like someone who's asked a riddle then denied the answer. The worst part is knowing that, ultimately, no one has it. Knowing that everyone's got to figure it out for themselves.

So, I've been trying to figure out what the point of me being in a romantic relationship is. What the heck do I want to be in a relationship for? I support myself, so it's not that I'm looking for a sugar daddy. I have a wonderful group of lovely friends, so it's not that I'm just lonely. I'm a stubbornly independent person, so I don't need some other person to define who I am. I've got vibrators, so I can manage plenty of orgasms without help. I have a dog, so it's not like I'm just looking for someone to make me feel safe or wanted.

It's easy to figure out reasons why a relationship might be more trouble than it's worth. It's harder to figure out reasons why one would be worthwhile.

1. I want someone to hold me
2. I want that someone to be the same someone who understands who I am
3. I want to be someone's favorite someone
4. I want to have a person in my life who chooses to become my family
5. I want laughter. Lots of laughter
6. I want to have someone in my life whose hug can make a crappy day brighten
7. I want someone to cheer me on
8. I want inside jokes that only the two of us laugh at
9. I want to know someone's got my back
10. I want someone who, by being in my life, makes my life better
11. I want to have someone I know I can trust
12. I want to feel like having this person pick me over all others means I'm amazing and special
13. I want love
14. I want loyalty
15. I want a certain kind of fierceness
16. I want the sound of a heartbeat beneath my cheek
17. I want to be amazed at how this person was a stranger once because I can never imagine my life without knowing them
18. I want a little bit of silliness
19. I want chilly days snuggled up under blankets watching the rain fall on the other side of the window
20. I want to go somewhere and be able to point at things, saying, "Wow, how cool is that?" and know that the person I'm talking to will think it's cool too

These things that I want are all so many things that are about how I want to feel and how I want to be treated. These are things I have with Mr. Curls. Yes, his life is totally messy right now. Yes, that stresses me out. But, in the end, I think taking the time to give him time to sort at least a chunk of that mess out before I walk out the door is worth it. I know I'm asking for trouble if I try and build a life with a guy who's just going to crash and burn again, but maybe he just needs some time to go in a new direction. I worry about the mess, but look at all I stand to gain. Isn't that worth a little bit of time?

The Wedding, The Ambivalence, The Problem, and Time

A day after I got home from Florida, Mr. Curls and I were on the road to my penpal's wedding. A six-hour drive later, we arrived in my penpal's city and met up with her for dinner. Friday, she and I spent the afternoon together running some pre-wedding errands.

Saturday morning started out rough. I woke up feeling ill - delayed altitude sickness it turned out. Mr. Curls was real sweet about making a couple of runs, first for a bit of medicine for my nausea, second for a light breakfast. Still, I felt pretty bad the whole morning and most of the rest of the day. Awesome, lemme tell ya.

By wedding time, I was mostly okay again, but my mood was less than stellar. Add to that the excitement of a wedding and the emotions entailed, plus being at the wedding of one of my best friends with a date who's exchanged those same vows twice already, and, well... I was stressed. The wedding itself = beautiful and sweet. Going with Mr. Curls = "What am I doing?!"

He's so sweet to me and all kinds of nice things, but he's got so much drama in his life. I had a crisis. Here I was, watching my friend marry a guy she's crazy about and all I could think was how I couldn't picture myself tying my life to Mr. Curls' life that way. All I could think was, "This guy has too much mess. How could I ever marry him?" That thought quickly ushered in the follow up thought of, "Then what am I doing with him?"

I was tired, I felt sick, and my emotions were all akimbo. I was cranky during the drive home, despite my best intentions not to take out my stress on Mr. Curls, because I knew that a lot of what I was feeling about him had more to do with everything else going on than it had to do just with him. I apologized about the crankiness and was surprised when he understood where it was coming from - not every detail, but understanding that all the travel and close quarters had taken their toll. He wasn't excited about my bad mood, but he got why I was in it and let things be quiet for a time while I pulled myself out of it. The way he reacted was an unexpected relief and it reminded me that there are good reasons why I like him.

Today, I talked with Amanda. I told her about my worries about Mr. Curls. I told her that during the wedding I thought, "What am I doing with this guy?"

Amanda replied, "Oh, that just means you're going to break up with him. It's okay though. He was a good experience for you."

Then, of course, Mr. Curls tells me he's officially quit smoking. His last cigarette was five days ago and he's determined to stay off the cancer sticks. Then, today, he got fired (long story short, his boss is a dick who fired him for taking Thursday off, aka the day Mr. Curls requested off a month ago, got approval for, and then got told the paperwork was "lost" and that he had to work on his approved day off). Today, Mr. Curls came over and even though he was embarrassed to admit that he needed help, asked for my help on overhauling his resume. Then, even more significantly, when I told him we needed to redo his resume from scratch (the one he had was an unfocused, 5-page mess) he just nodded and said, "Okay, where do I start?" It wasn't easy for him and he was very uncomfortable being that vulnerable, but he did it because he knew he needed to do it. I tore his resume apart, helped him put it back together again, and he said, "Thank you" and meant it.

On one hand, I've come to the stark realization that Mr. Curls is something of a train wreck. He's well-intentioned and passionate and sweet, but his life, in short, is not in order. I'm not looking for a millionaire, but it is important to me that my Mr. Right has a fairly good grip on his life. Let's face it, right now, Mr. Curls doesn't. But, with a couple of things that have happened the past few days, maybe he's started to head in the right direction?

Today, I got to see Mr. Curls' work history. It's, well, spotty. A few months here, a year there, eighteen months at that other place. He says he knows it makes him look like a flake. He knows that's not a great thing, neither for an employer nor for me to see. He explains, he justifies, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, sure, the last few years could just be a run of bad luck. Fine. The thing is, I'm getting worn out with some of his talk. He over-explains. He complicates. He preemptively defends the things he's embarrassed about. All this chatter does him more harm than good and I'm just waiting and watching, tuning out the jabber and focusing on the action.

Between bad choices and bad luck, Mr. Curls has had a bad run. Whatever. There's a lot I can forgive about the past. It's the present, the future, that I'm most interested in. I'm conflicted in figuring out the present. On one hand, he's done some things lately that I'd classify as problematic. On the other, he's done some things lately that have been very positive. I just can't figure out which is more weighted.

I think I have to give this more time. I need to see if/how much he's learned from past mistakes and the only way to really do that is to see if/how he repeats them. Some time in the not-too-distant future, I foresee a talk regarding my concerns. The time is not now. I want to see how he handles the situation he's in now and see what that tells me.

All I know for sure is that, unless Mr. Curls gets some things in his life under control, I'm not optimistic about this relationship's lifespan.

Culture Clash

Of late, I've been a bit conflicted about Mr. Curls. On one hand, he's got a lot of emotional qualities that I really like. On the other, well, it can pretty much be summed up with a recent conversation I had with my brother where I was talking about Mr. Curls' culinary skills. I described a dish he'd made (chicken over rice, topped with cream of mushroom soup) and how he'd been so proud about coming up with the recipe. When I mentioned that the recipe was on the side of the soup can, he responded, "Yeah, but I didn't look at the recipe that first time. I came up with it independently." He was very proud of himself. I was, to be honest, underwhelmed.

I told my brother, "The sad thing is, he thinks he's such a great cook and the truth is, he's not especially great. Yeah, he can cook, but Gordon Ramsay he is not. Except, that's not how he sees it."

One of Mr. Curls' qualities that worries me is an over estimation of certain abilities or accomplishments which, frankly, I'm not impressed by. I know that sounds harsh, which isn't how I mean it. It's more about him and I coming from very different backgrounds.

Mr. Curls' background = parents who got pregnant in high school to force their parents to allow them to be together. Mr. Curls' dad was a dad at 17, his mom never graduated high school, and his mom became a Jehovah's Witness when he was a kid. Growing up, Mr. Curls was told that, basically, college was out of his league, so between that mentality and getting married at 19 because he was about to be a dad, he never went.

My background = parents who dated for a couple of years, dated long distance, and the first time my dad proposed, saying, "and when you're my wife, you'll never work" (meaning it in a nice way), my mom turned him down because it was important to her to have her own career. My parents had me when my mom was 29 and my dad was 32. When I was a kid, my mom went to college and got her bachelor's degree while working and raising two kids. Growing up, college was always talked about in terms of "when" I would go to college, never if.

The bottom line is that even though Mr. Curls and I grew up in the same city, in a lot of ways, we come from different worlds. Things which, to me, are not newsworthy, are a big deal to him. On some things, I feel like we're just not on the same level. I know that sounds critical and snobbish, but I don't know how else to say it. One thing I keep coming back to is what a difference a college education can make. Having that BA or MA or PhD isn't the be all end all, not by a long shot, but there are certain ways of thinking that college teaches you.

In my composition classes, when I'm talking with my students about the ways the media influences us, when I'm talking about analyzing biases present in movies, newspaper articles, etc., their first reaction is often that I'm "over analyzing" it. A cigar is just a cigar, right? And yes, sometimes, it is. But, sometimes it's not. By the end of the class, at least a few students have had light bulb moments. For instance, sometimes they say, "Oh! Now I get why that commercial is using Jennifer Lopez as a spokesperson, it's 'cause she's scantily clad and the commercial is aimed at men!" Right? Right.

Mr. Curls has told me how, because he's had business experience and because he's so worldly, he can watch a commercial and immediately figure out who it's aimed at. He's impressed friends and family with this skill. He thinks it's cool that I get it, too. I think it's cool that he's figured it out on his own. But, the difficulty comes from the fact that his background, most of his social circle, is not on that level. So, he ends up feeling like big stuff 'cause he knows something they don't. Except, that in my perspective, that puts him on the level with an 18 year-old college freshmen. In his mind, he's on the top of the food chain. In my mind, he's just getting started.

Case in point, the showcase he was so gung-ho about. He was excited because the process was somewhat selective and because he felt like they just weren't picking everyone. Also, apparently, the $800 fee was low compared to other showcases he's heard about. At first glance, it seems promising. But that's skipping a couple of important analytical steps. One thing I always talk to my students about in terms of the motivations of political organizations, for instance, is "where does the money go?" With the showcase, it's put on by the scouting agency, which means the scouting agency is getting the money. Therefore, it's in their best interest to find a large number of people to attend it. They get the registration fee. That's how they get their money, not based on the number of people who actually get agents. So, there's one gigantic, flashing red light. Also, he talked about how he could get discovered, but that skips another important question - why would this be his chance? Yes, he'd be in front of agents, fine. But another important question comes up - if this is an effective way of finding an agent, then who are the actors who've been successful this way? What big names has this particular scouting agency found? What's their track record?

Mr. Curls was excited about the showcase because he felt like he'd thought about the situation critically. I'd say he thought about it more critically than many might, but not critically enough. He was so focused on "well, I asked this question that most people wouldn't, that means I know what I'm doing," that he missed the other, even more important questions.

Another thing I was talking with my brother about was Mr. Curls' far-sightedness. He has this tendency to focus so much on where he wants to be that he overlooks where he is. He has a plan to do real estate work. According to the plan, in 16 months, he's doing real estate. That's fine. But, what about next month? When he hurt his back, he was frustrated because it threw a wrench into his finances and he didn't have enough to go to the showcase (blessing in disguise, right?). His refrain, "but, if I hadn't hurt my back, it would've been fine." The thing is, unexpected things are, by nature, unexpected. I made a comment once about a job I applied for and how, if I got it, I'd spend a couple years living well below my means (i.e. my lifestyle wouldn't really change) because I'd be so focused on clearing away my student loans and building up a big savings buffer. He said, "Well, it's important not to live above your means, but why not live within them?" Well, because of things like back injuries or layoffs or whatever might come up that I can't anticipate.

His culture = you're doing really well if you can pay your bills every month.
My culture = you're doing well if you've got your own home, your car paid off, and a good sized retirement fund.

His culture = "You're marrying a gal you met four months ago? Cool, she seems nice."
My culture = "You're marrying a guy you met four months ago? Are you crazy?"

A lot of the time, the clash isn't so clear. Sometimes, though, it's blindingly so. This past week I've been in Florida, visiting my brother. It's the most time I've spent away from Mr. Curls since we met. I've been away from him, and spending a whole lot of time with my brother, who's an Air Force Lieutenant undergoing pilot training. Mr. Curls works for a trash company. I'm not saying a job or a college degree is the be all end all, but it does shape your world view. Being around my brother so much this week has emphasized how different my world is from Mr. Curls' world.

How much difference is too much difference? How much do Mr. Curls and I truly have in common? Is it enough? How much of my concerns are genuine? How much of my concerns are more about just adjusting to another person's perspective? My brother and I see eye-to-eye on so many things, but we were raised together, our nature and nurture are both the same and we've known each other twenty three years. Of course I'm on the same page with him. Mr. Curls is a whole other person, from a whole different background. Of course we're not going to be the same on everything. But, what is okay to be different on? Where does difference become conflict? I know part of my anxiousness just comes from being in a relationship with someone. I know part of my worry comes from being in a relationship with this particular someone. What I don't know is how the percentages work out - is it more about being intimidated by being close to someone, or is it more that we're too different for this to work? I'm so confused.

Pina Colada Brain Freeze

On Monday, I turned in final grades for the semester. Tuesday I hopped on a plane and flew to Florida to visit my brother. Right now, while he's off doing pilot training, I'm sitting on the lovely screened in porch drinking a pina colada. Today, is a good day. I've got warm summer air, plenty of TV to watch on my laptop, and a whole lot of nothing in particular to do.

I'm having a lovely slacker vacation.

Thank the Lord

The day after Mr. Curls contemplated selling his Jeep for the cash to go to a talent showcase, I got a call from him in the morning after he'd finished his physical therapy appointment. Among other things, we talked a little about the showcase.

"I've been thinking about it a lot," he said. I cringed and held my breath, anxiously waiting. "All things considered, I've decided not to go. It's just not financially sound for me right now."

Thank George it was over the phone, because I was practically doing my happy dance. All I said was, "I think you made a good call." What I was thinking was, "Hallelujah! There's hope for him yet!"

I'm super relieved that he decided to walk away from the showcase. I never had a good feeling about it and I very much believe he just cannot afford it. But, on the other hand, I'm not his mom and it's not my place to boss him around. I'm a part of his life, yes, but I'm not a part of his bank account. If things keep on going like they have and we get to the point where it's less about his finances versus my finances and more about our finances, then I'll certainly be more assertive. But, for now, that's not the case and he has to make his own decisions.

The fact that he made the "right" decision in this case is extremely reassuring. He may be a bit problematic in the judgment area, but he's not a total lost cause.

What Worries Me, Part Two

Last night, he talked to me about it because he was trying to figure out what to do and wanted to talk it through. I reiterated what I'd said last week about the talent showcase - a long shot at best, and not something I put a lot of faith in. But, he really wants to do it because showbiz is his dream and he's all idealistic and naive about what, exactly, that would mean. I could tell him it's hard, even with an agent, but he'd tell me he's done hard things before. He ran his own company for a while, even though everybody in the whole world (almost) told him it'd never work. I'm nice enough to point out that if that business had really, really worked, he'd still be doing it. Right? So, instead, I talked to him about my friend's wedding.

One of my most awesome friends is getting married in May and I'd invited Mr. Curls to come with me. The wedding is far enough away that we're looking at some travel expenses and a few nights' stay somewhere. It's not super expensive, but it works out to a couple hundred dollars we'd each be pitching in. I told him that since he was in a money crunch, it might be a good idea for me to go on the trip alone, like I'd been planning to since before he and I met. I've known this trip was coming for a long time and I have money saved for it. Also, if I go alone, it'll actually work out to be cheaper for me.

His response was, "I can't do that. I already promised I'd go. I hate to break commitments." Which leads us to the other part of the problem where he spreads himself too thinly and then has to scramble to make it all work. Like, with the boys. I'm way fond of the boys, so I absolutely don't mean anything bad about them with this next part. When the boys visit, Mr. Curls tends to overspend on them. When they want to go out for pizza, Mr. Curls takes them out for pizza. When they want to go to a movie, Mr. Curls takes them to a movie. It's pretty basic stuff, really, but it adds up. The first time I met the boys, we all played mini golf - there went $50 bucks for about an hour and half of entertainment. Mr. Curls wants to make sure the boys have fun. He wants to spend quality time with them. It's not that he's trying to buy their affection, truly, it's just that he has a hard time saying "no." The problem is, he's too broke for that to work.

When my brother and I were kids, my parents said "no" to us all the time. Not because they were mean, but because they were broke. Going out to a movie in the theater was an indulgence, going out to eat at a restaurant (even a fast food restaurant) was a rare occurrence. My parents simply could not afford it. My childhood, instead, was filled with things like board games, picnics, and lots of time goofing around outdoors. I was not a deprived child, and my parents put a premium on spending quality time with my brother and I. We were happy kids even though our parents didn't spend a whole lot of cash entertaining us.

And, I absolutely believe that the boys would be perfectly happy if Mr. Curls threw less money at them. He's their dad. They love him because they love him. Yeah, they might whine a bit about not going to Subway for lunch, but if it comes down to the difference between Mr. Curls paying his bills or taking the boys to Subway, it's pretty straight-forward math. But, he doesn't see it that way. He sees it as a question of "doing right by them" and of being a selfless parent. While I don't disagree with his motivations, I think he lacks balance in how he fulfills those expectations. I mean, heck, the other night when I brought over some games, the boys were totally into it. Playing Jenga is a whole lot cheaper than black light golf at the mall.

Now, my worry about the money situation comes from my own experience. Ever since I moved out on my own, my financial situation has been characterized by a lack of money. Being a student isn't cheap. Long story short, I get by on very little. Long story short, I know how to get by on very little. So, when I have concerns about his money situation, I'm not just talking out my ass or being judgmental. It's all based on the principle of I've been there and I know what it takes. I'm just not sure he does. He's got his eye fixed on where he wants to be, and I fear he's overlooking where he is.

With all of this together, I have some doubts about Mr. Curls' judgment. I fear he's too idealistic. Too much of a dreamer and not enough of a realist. He's going through a rough patch in his life right now, and while some of that is due to circumstances beyond his control, much of it is due to bad choices he made. The part that scares me is not knowing how much of this is just because of a few specific mistakes and how much of it is because he's got a pattern of getting ahead of himself and making bad calls.

A part of me really cares for him and seriously considers the idea of further entwining my life with his. A part of me is terrified that doing so would be a horrible mistake. I keep telling myself not to panic, that time will tell and I just have to be a little patient to see if this pattern I'm worried about really is present and, if so, how much Mr. Curls is willing/able to break it.