She's Here!

Last week, my wonderful penpal, Camii, and her new hubby moved. Now, instead of living 5 hours away, she lives 45 minutes away. I'm super pleased :) She moved for school and will be taking classes to get her M.A. in Psychology.

When they arrived, I drove over to help them unpack the UHaul. I must say, I didn't know just two people could have that much stuff. Between the three of us, we spent three hours hauling things from the truck to their second-floor apartment and got them all moved in. There was much talk of, "Screw this, the next time we're hiring movers" and "Wow, we need to get rid of more stuff."

Over the next couple of days, my body told me that all that lifting and climbing stairs was a really good workout. My calves were sore for three days after. I still have two bruises, one on my left bicep and one on my right thigh, from boxes. But, the pay off is well worth it. Now, for the first time in eight years, she and I can meet up for the odd cup of coffee or lunch. I love it :)

Holding Pattern

As much as I loved my recent visit with Camii, it also made me a bit sad. All around me, I keep seeing people who are making progress in their lives. They've got relationships, careers, families, and they're generally headed somewhere. Camii just got her BA in psychology and she's planning to work in counseling. I think she'll be good at it. She's got the boyfriend, they're going to get married, they've got a condo she's fixed up and decorated, and these days she's also talking about another plan: the having-kids plan. She's building a life. Good for her.

And yet... as I sat there at the graduation ceremony, half listening to various important people talk to the graduating class about potential and the wonderful things they'll do next, that feeling of getting left behind crept over me again.

I look at what I've got, and I see no plan, no direction. It's all uncertainty. I'm almost finished with my master's, but when, exactly, that'll happen is unclear. I've been working on my damn thesis so long that I feel like I'm going to work on it forever. I've got a job, yes, but being a university adjunct instructor is part time work at best, and it's not going to work long-term, if for no other reason than insufficient pay. At the same time, I don't want to get a terminal degree so I can make the teaching gig more permanent. Right now, the idea of yet more school is as unappealing as soggy oatmeal. So, no career.

Relationships: They've always been hard for me and now my most recent close friend is moving away. Otherwise, I don't really have people I can call on the weekend to go out. I'm working on that, but it's slow going. Most of my favorite people live in nearby towns (vs. the same one as me) and have spouses/children, which makes them hard to spend time with.

Dating: Army Guy has some promise, but isn't entirely reliable. Depending on the day, on the hour, my prognosis of how that'll go roller-coasters. I got another nibble on the website, but the guy lives 100 miles away and it's still very early stage.

Family: I love my parents, but we don't always see eye-to-eye. My brother's moving far away. All the rest of my relatives are people I barely know, thanks to living so far away from them. And, without the dating part working, the family of my own isn't going to happen either.

In short, I feel like my life has lost momentum. Potential? Yes, there's potential. But having potential, on its own, doesn't really get you anywhere. I'm off of both school and work for the first summer since I was in middle school, and instead of being thrilled at the break, I keep feeling lost.

Trip

I just spent a couple of days about 300 miles from home visiting my friend Camii. We've known each other for about nine years and she's the one person in the world who understands me best. In some ways, she's kind of like my twin. Our personalities and perspectives are very similar and we were even born within a few days of each other. Sometimes I kind of think of her as a mirror for me. Looking into that mirror helped me look at the situation with Army Guy a bit differently.

During the drive to Camii, I called Amanda and told her I was feeling uneasy - Army Guy seems to want me to be his girlfriend (not just a girl to bang). The uneasiness comes from residual gunk from breaking up with the ex - relationships with emotions and sex involved are dangerous, and why would I want to go there again? Her input was pretty simple: get over the baggage and give it a whirl. She said I couldn't be anxious/afraid of it without also being excited about it, so suck it up and be a big girl.

Then, once I arrived at my destination, I got to spend time with Camii. Camii, like me, is yin to Amanda's yang, and the shift was nice. Also nice, seeing Camii with her boyfriend. I met the boyfriend about two years ago and I like him. He's a decent guy who treats my friend well and they're due to get married about this time next year. Seeing them together made me think, "Oh yeah, someone like me really can find who they're looking for."

So, maybe Army Guy isn't who I'm looking for, or maybe he is. Either way, I'm only going to find out by trying on the girlfriend shoes.