The Tipping Point

Ever since I started seeing Mr. Curls, I've been waiting for the moment. From the moment he started talking to me at the bar, I've been waiting for that voice inside my head to scream, "run!"

I waited for it through our first few dates. I waited for it when he told me about the exes and kids. I waited for it the first time we slept together, and on and on. I kept waiting, and it didn't come. I expected it, because any time I get involved with a guy, any time I feel like I could really fall for someone, a piece of me gets terrified. During the beginning of my relationship with my ex, right after the first time we kissed, I heard that voice.

So, after all this time, with Mr. Curls, I've been waiting for it. When it didn't speak up all those times I thought it would, I wondered what was going on. "What the hell?" I thought. "How am I not freaking? I should be freaking. I have every reason to be having a panic attack. Where is it?" I mean, come on, all that baggage and I hardly batted an eye. What gives?

Turns out, it was just a matter of having the right trigger. The other day, at the wedding, I was standing at the driver's side of his jeep while Mr. Curls got his nice shoes on and I saw a pack of cigarettes on the door. I'd noticed a thing or two, like that stale smoke smell in his apartment, but had chalked it up to previous tenant because in all the time we've spent together, he's never taken a smoke break. So, I assumed non-smoker. When I asked him about it later, he got uncomfortable and said he's trying to quit. He's ashamed of the nicotine habit, but he's got one nonetheless.

Cue the voice. The whole time I was growing up, my mom smoked. I hated it and the smoke was so... oppressive and inescapable. Second hand smoke is something I have a strong, visceral revulsion to. Everything else I've taken in stride. Ex-wives? Okay. Kids? Okay. But, a few cigarettes and all I could think was, "I can't take this!" That's when I had my first thoughts about whether or not Mr. Curls was more than I could handle. That's when I had my first thoughts of, "How do I tell him it's over?"

I know, of all things, it may seem strange that that's my tipping point. The thing is, I'm glad for it. I recognize that moment for what it was, panic. At the same time, it was a reality check. It's the first official thing that I dislike about him. My whole thing so far has been that, while I'm not such a huge fan of some of his circumstances, I'm awful impressed by the guy himself. Except this. This I hate.

Up until now, I've been going along, believing that Mr. Curls could very well be my long-haul guy. Now I have doubt. Not that I want to call it off right now, but the rosy glasses are gone. Damn it. The smoking thing is typically one of the few hard-fast deal-breakers I have, but it's too late for that. At this point, it's too complicated for easy distinctions.

That's the annoying thing about relationships. They're complicated. My life would be so much simpler right now if I had stayed home from the bar that night. Such a little thing, the decision to walk out the door, but boy, look at the ripples.

I'm Officially Closing My Eyes and Holding On Tight

Last night, I looked at Mr. Curls and watched him for a minute. "What are you thinking?" he asked.

"I'm thinking how strange you are."

He smiled. "How's that?"

Then I tried, as best I could, to articulate what I meant. I told him that it's so unfamiliar to me, what with my own issues, to get so close to someone so fast. That it's alien to me to have someone who hasn't even known me all that long be so intent on getting close to me. It's not to say that I haven't been working hard this past year or two on getting past keeping people at a distance, but it's still a relative scale - warm and friendly for me is still pretty reserved for most folks. So, it's weird.

"It's strange," he said. "We've been going kind of slow, but it feels like it's all happened so fast, too."

Throughout this whole thing, as I get more entangled with him and start to get used to the idea of thinking about him as the boyfriend, I keep feeling like this whole thing is surreal. Is he real? Is this really happening?

He isn't perfect, and I'm still getting used to the idea of his kids and exes, but I'm slowly becoming more convinced that he just might be exactly what I need. The thought scares the hell out of me. If I start to expect him to be there. If I start to rely on him, how long after until it all goes wrong?

This is the part where I have to have faith. This is the part where I believe that even though others have let me down in the past, he isn't them. This is when I remind myself that even though relationships end all of the time, sometimes they last, and sometimes they last for all the right reasons.

It's pessimistic to think I'm only setting myself up to get hurt. So, I go cautiously and I try to have faith. It's not something I'm good at, but then he does something, or says something, or even just looks at me a certain way, and it suddenly becomes a lot easier.

Isn't it ALWAYS Bad Timing?

Things with Mr. Curls have been getting more physical and I've been doing a gut check on whether or not I'm ready to sleep with him. He's not in a rush and neither am I, but I was thinking that today would be a good day for the ever-so-indelicate STDs talk. I was thinking that, maybe after that talk, depending, today might be the right day to break my long-term celibacy.

No, it's not because it's Valentine's Day. Honest-to-Bob. It's pure timeline of how long we've been seeing each other and an indicator of having hit certain important mile markers that make me feel ready for being all the way physical. Last night I changed my sheets. This morning, I had a stress dream about having sex with him. It's been a long time since I've been in the sack with anybody, and I've only ever slept with one person before, so yeah, I'm a bit nervous.

Anyhow, I've been getting myself geared up. Then, wouldn't you know it, this morning I noticed the tell tale signs of my oncoming period. Stupid uterus. I don't want to have my period right now. Having sex with Mr. Curls for the first time is plenty to deal with all on its own, the last thing I need to worry about on top of that is blood coming out of my crotch. I don't mind period sex, but I absolutely don't want that to be the first type of sex I have with him. F*ing period.

The V-Day Plan

The other night, post baggage-reveal, Mr. Curls brought up V-Day.
"So," he said, "Sunday..."
"Oh yeah, that thing."
He chuckled. "I was wondering what your opinion of Valentine's day is."
"Pretty neutral, really. When I was with someone, we'd do something low key, and I liked it low key. I'm not interested in making it into a big deal."
"Same here. Though, would you mind if I got you something?"
"I would think it was sweet, but don't feel like you have to."
"But if I did, that'd be okay, right?"
"Yeah, that'd be okay."
"Good."

We sorted the rest of the details out today. He's going to come over for an early dinner and we'll rent a movie. I told him that since he cooked for me the other night, I'd cook for him tomorrow. He insisted that I didn't have to, that he'd be perfectly happy with leftover runny lasagna (his cookery didn't turn out quite perfect, though it was still tasty). I get the feeling that he's not used to people doing nice things for him. It feels like he's usually the one doing nice things for other people.

Amanda and I had a long-ass phone conversation yesterday which covered, among other things, the latest updates with Mr. Curls. On the kids & ex-wives, she said, "You've just got to decide if you can handle it when it starts to affect your life, because it will affect your life if you're with him long enough. If you decide that you want to, I think that if anyone can handle it, you can." We talked a little about his marriages, too, and the part where I'm most concerned with the second marriage and how quickly it happened after the first - rebounding is one thing, a rebound marriage is more troubling. She mentioned the word "codependent," and I didn't argue with her. I don't know enough yet to draw conclusions, but there does seem to be a streak of it in him. We'll see. Depending, maybe I'm just the right kind of girl for him since I'm so independent. He may want somebody to swoop in and take care of, but I do a good job taking care of myself most of the time. I'm not looking for a savior, I'm looking for a partner.

All in all, I'm still cautious, but optimistic. There are so many things about him that I like, and I love being around him, and the way I feel about him is different from the way I've felt about anyone since the beginning of my relationship with my ex. Mr. Curls has a lot of complications, but I want to take this pair of shoes around the block. They might be scuffed, but they fit amazingly well.

I Knew There Was Baggage, I Didn't Know It'd Be a Complete Set

Holy mother load, Batman! We have baggage!

Mr. Curls cooked dinner for me tonight and it was sweet and adorable, even when he was running late because he got tied up at work and even when the lasagna came out runny. I made chocolate fondue for dessert and afterward, we cuddled on the couch. After a while, he said something along the lines of, "Where do you see this going?"

I thought about how to phrase it. "Well, I'd like to keep you around for a while."

"I would like that too. I would like that very much. And, if that's the case, then there are some things I should probably tell you."

The first thing he told me was that he's got two kids, ages 13 & 9. They live about an hour and a half away, with his ex-wife. Whew, talk about a lot to take in. He and the ex were married nearly eleven years, then things went downhill.

We talked about that a little. He was trying to gauge how freaked out I was, and I was trying to figure that out too. I told him, "I've never really dealt with this sort of thing before. It's complex, but not inherently bad. I'm okay with feeling it out as we go." Then I asked, "Is there anything else I should know?"

He hesitated. "After the divorce, I started dating again and met someone. We got married and it lasted about two months before she decided she'd rather be single."

"How long ago did you split up?"

"About a year and a half ago, I asked for a divorce."

"Is it finalized yet?"

"It took her a long time to sign the paperwork, so it's not finalized yet. But, we haven't been together for over a year."

I waited for him to spring more surprises, but it seems that's the whole shebang. Not that I want any more, mind you. Not in the least. That's more than enough for me to process. I mean, fuck, two kids, two ex-wives. That's plenty.

I'm still processing it, feeling it out. The 1st wife and kids is more than I expected, but not a wholly unexpected variety of baggage. The 2nd wife and the not-yet-finalized-divorce is the part that bothers me more. Though, and maybe it's stupid of me, I can't help but want to overlook the beat up suitcases in favor of how he's sweet and thoughtful and all kinds of other wonderful things that make me smile when I think about him.

It's complicated, but we both want to try to make this work. He asked if it'd be okay if he called me his girlfriend and I just did the official Facebook switch-over from "single" to "in a relationship." I mean, hell, I've always gotten along best with the married guys who had kids. Now it looks like I'll get my chance to date one. But, that 2nd divorce better get finalized damn quick. The sooner I can stop thinking about how he's still technically married, the better.

Guys Who Cook

Tomorrow night Mr. Curls is coming over to my place to cook dinner for me. I told him I was excited to experience his culinary skills, and he immediately countered with, "Don't say 'culinary,' it's too high stakes. You're going to be expecting fancy cuisine and how can I live up to that?"

"Okay, how about grub?"

"Ah, much better."

He asked me some questions about my kitchen gear and what kinds of foods I like and said he'd need a day to ponder what to cook. I'm way excited about having him cook for me. The food itself could be interesting, but more than that it's the gesture of it. Buying dinner is one thing, but cooking dinner takes more effort and is riskier. I think it's totally charming.

When my ex and I were together, we'd cook for each other. He makes his own hamburgers and fusses over the seasoning to make sure they're just right. Watching him prepare food for me was always lovely. It's all about the effort. It's like City Girl's post today about how she likes to take care of her guy.

The thing is, in our society, most people consider their time to be at least a little more important than their money. A guy who's willing to cook for me is a guy who gets major points in my book.

I'm covering dessert tomorrow and I decided to go for chocolate fondue. It's fun, it's chocolatey, and it'll be my first time trying to do it at home. I figured that if anyone's up for trying a culinary (I mean, grub) experiment with me, it's Mr. Curls.

Worst Case Scenario

I spent most of the day with Mr. Curls today. The more I spend time with him, the more I want to spend more time with him.

Friday night, when I went out (sans Mr. Curls) and met up with one of my favorite couples, I told them about him and asked them, "How long after you met each other did you think 'this is the one'?"

After they answered, the guy countered with, "So, does this mean that you're thinking the guy you're seeing could be?"

"Maybe," I said. "Maybe I'm thinking it just a little."

Tonight, we ended up sitting on my couch and, among other things, we talked a little about the rough stuff he's going through. I didn't push it, because I've gone through my own rough stuff and I know it can be painful to talk about right away. I told him a short version of the story about my ex and then I told him that everybody's got a history and I wasn't going to push him about his.

"I want to," he said. "I want you to know everything about me." But, whatever it is, he couldn't quite find the words to tell me tonight.

"How long have you been so sad?" I asked him.

"A long time."

Based on what I know about him and what I can read in the things he says and does, I'm don't think the mystery baggage will turn out to be more than I can handle. The thing is, though, I don't know. In the face of an unknown like this, an unknown that has obviously left its scars on him, I can't help but think of worst case scenarios. What's behind the curtain? Is it bad enough to make me walk away?

Whatever it is, I'm really hoping it isn't one of those worst cases. Please, please let it be something I can handle. So far, this guy seems like he could be right for me. He seems like he could be so many of these things that I've dreamed I'd find. He just feels right. It's weird. Weirder yet is how I'm not freaking out about it. Everything I know tells me this could work. It's just that chunk that I don't know that might break the deal.

Now I have to wait and see.

V-day is Annoying

Me: It's February.
Amanda: So?
Me: That means it's going to be Valentine's Day in a little while, and I might not be single for this one.
Amanda: So?
Me: I don't like it.
Amanda: Yeah, there's a lot of pressure.
Me: So what do I do?
Amanda: (laughing) Nothing, but he'd better have reservations made.

Stupid Valentine's Day. I didn't mind it when I was with my ex, but we didn't make a big deal, either. We'd go to dinner, or one of us would cook dinner, and we'd spend time together, but there was no elaborate thing. I liked it that way. I also liked the part where we were an established couple before our first Vday together rolled around.

With Mr. Curls, I'm pretty confident that we'll still be seeing each other in two weeks. But, it's too soon. Valentine's has all this weight behind it, and, well, I wish I could just ignore it completely. I just want to know what Mr. Curls is thinking about it, except it's still kind of early to assume that we'll still be seeing each other in two weeks. So, what's the right balance between broaching the subject early enough to defuse it while also being late enough to make sure it's going to be relevant? Hrm... Maybe this weekend would be about the right time. One week beforehand should be about right, right?

Guy Unlikely

Just got home from a coffee date turned walking tour of downtown turned lunch date with Mr. Curls. It's surprising to me how well we mesh, how much our life philosophies, etc. are in synch, and how easily he can make me laugh. The more I get to know him, the more I like him. That hardly ever happens. It's amazing.

I don't want to get ahead of myself with this, but I'm feeling more right about him than I've felt about any guy since my ex-fiance.

Today he confessed that he really hates his curly hair. Ironic ;) Just goes to show that sometimes there are features we don't necessarily like about ourselves which other people adore about us. Remember that the next time you're getting down on yourself about something.

While I don't want to get ahead of myself, I do think it's safe to relax into the situation and just enjoy how much I enjoy seeing him.

I've got to say I'm really glad of my puppy crush on Bartender Guy, 'cause without it, I think it's highly unlikely that I'd have stumbled onto Mr. Curls, and that would have been unfortunate.

Guy-Induced Insomnia

We all have our hang ups and things that make us nervous. For me, the prospect of getting in between two undergrad boys who are about to punch each other is no big deal. I can be calm in situations like that. But, give me a guy who wants to take me to dinner and I am a seething mass of anxiety.

There isn't much that keeps me up a night, but the idea of a real life guy who wants to date me gives me a nervous break down. With a guy like Army Guy, I laid awake worrying about whether or not I should be impulsive and whether or not he was going to call again. With Comic Book Guy and Radio Guy I laid awake worrying about whether or not I was interested in them, and whether or not I was being fair when I decided I didn't. Then I worried how to break it off.

Now I have Mr. Curls to worry about. He called tonight to ask me if I was free this weekend. Good, right? Tonight I went to bed and stared at the ceiling for half an hour stressing out. Talk about classic neurosis.

I like him, which is good. He likes me, which is also good. Except, he seems to really like me, which freaks me out. Thanks, insecurity, for that one. Insecurity and cynicism say to me that any guy who likes me this much this fast must have something wrong with him. The rational part of me knows that's a terrible thing to think. The rational part of me says, "Duh, having a guy you like think you're great is a good thing."

But, it's not the rational part that makes it hard to sleep.

Sushi and Vampires

I went out with Mr. Curls last night and had a very good time. We had dinner at a sushi place, killed some time at the book store where a friend of mine works (she sent me a "so, what's the scoop?" e-mail as soon as she got off work), then went to the theater to watch Daybreakers. I know a gruesome vampire flick might not be everyone's idea of a date movie, but when he suggested a movie, that's the one that I really wanted to see.

Anyhow, back to the date. I picked the movie and he picked the restaurant, which was nice because the last few dates I went on were ones where the guy said, "um, what do you want to do?" so going out with someone who wasn't so afraid of choosing something I wouldn't like that he didn't choose anything at all was good. The restaurant was good, and talking with Mr. Curls was enjoyable, and as he relaxed, a very playful side of him came out and I'm a sucker for a guy who doesn't mind being a little silly every now and again.

This morning I'm all smitten and the typical smileyness that comes after a date that went well. My first impressions of this guy are good. I'm cautious still, but so far he's a lot like the kind of guy I've thought would be right for me. He's a balance of confident and considerate, smart and playful, etc. etc. He's earnest like Comic Book Guy and Radio Guy, but more adventurous like Army Guy.

I quite like this random guy I met at a bar. Go figure.

The Curly-Haired Stranger

I went to my bar last night because I thought they were having a band and I thought my bartender crush would be there. Turns out I was mistaken on both counts, but as soon as I walked in I spotted a few of the regulars I used to know as well as a bartender I used to work with, so I hunkered down at the end of the bar, a young gal surrounded by old men. We had a good chat.

Later, once the men had left, I had the end of the bar pretty much to myself and I sipped a drink and did some writing in my notebook. Just as I was starting to feel disappointed that there was no band (nor my crush), a cute guy my age walked over to me. He was maybe around 5'7", slender, with glasses and curly brown hair.

Him: Do you work here?
Me: No.
Him: Oh, I just saw you writing and thought maybe you did.

Since I clearly was sitting, not wearing an apron or anything with the bar insignia, etc. I knew it was pretty obvious to anyone who was paying attention that I was not working. In the past, my reaction to his blunder would have been to blow him off, but I'm being more social these days, nicer, right? So, instead I just smiled. After all, it was pretty clear that the point of the question was not the answer itself, but to start talking to me, so what he said was less important than the fact that he said something.

Him: So what are you writing?
Me: I'm working on a short story.
Him: Really? That's cool. I've got a novel I've been trying to finish for about two years now.

That was soon followed by, "You mind if I sit down?" Then his buddy came over and he told the buddy, "I'll meet up with you there."

That's when I thought to myself that, for the first time in my life, I was actually being picked up in a bar. We sat and talked for over an hour, finding out that we actually have a lot of things in common. The night ended with an exchange of numbers and an invitation to see a movie.

All this effort with the going out in public and being social, and I actually met a guy. Even if it goes no further, I've got to say it was nice to get chatted up last night, especially since I think I could genuinely get along with him. And, did I mention the curls?

In pursuit of my crush on the bartender, I ended up with a date with another guy. That's funny.

Amanda Does Not Approve

I sent Amanda my new & improved website profile and she was not impressed. She says it's cheesy and "I am afraid that this is going to attract the 'sensitive' guy--you know, the type also referred to as metro sexual because no one can tell if he is gay or straight--not even him."

So, fine, I'm editing it again. It's frustrating. I'm getting a Masters degree in English, I've written a novel, etc. etc. but writing one damn blurb that will get a guy's attention and make him want to get to know me is proving more than I can manage. I mean, for the love of George, it's only 400-ish words that I'm trying to write!

Back to the drawing board. Time to think harder about my intended audience. Gotta do what I keep telling my comp. students to do and write with my ideal reader in mind ;) Man, this is hard. At least the line about the zombie movies is Amanda-approved, so I can keep that much.

The New Profile

Today I decided it was time to re-write my profile for the dating site. The old one, which Amanda helped me with, was okay, but it felt kind of blah. And, in light of my new favorite song, I thought it was time to freshen things up a bit, be a bit more friendly, and be more personal. So, with no further ado, the new blurb:

I believe we tend to find something because we're looking for it, not because it finds us. That's why I work hard at optimism and seeing the good in all kinds of situations. So, here I am, on this site, looking for the right someone. I'm hoping to find a pleasant surprise - that guy I never saw coming who's going to be the perfect partner to have adventures with.

If you laugh easily, would rather encourage than discourage, and especially if you like zombie movies, then I would love to get to know you better.

What do you think? Is it garbage or worth keeping?

Couples, Couples, Couples

There's a theory about relevance. The theory is, you buy a red chevy and all of a sudden, all you see everywhere is red chevys. It's a radar theory - you're paying more attention to something and so you spot it often.

I'm having a reverse relevance experience. Every where I look, I see couples. Thanks to the seasonal job, for hours on end I stand in a store, watching people my age walk by hand-in-hand. I see gals my age pushing baby strollers around. I see a cute guy, then his girlfriend/wife rounds the corner right behind him.

I gotta tell you, it's extremely annoying. Where are the single guys? Have they all gone into hiding?

Linky Links

I'm slacking on blogging 'cause I'm up to my eyeballs in life stuff like preparing to defend my thesis Thursday. So busy, and all at once.

Read a couple interesting things on the web today, though, and thought I'd pass them on.

First off, a very thoughtful, if saddening, post by RR about race and online dating.

Second, a theory about the purpose of kissing that I hadn't heard before. It's almost like a germ theory of dating.

Tomorrow I do my face-to-face training at a coffee shop with some dude I've never met or talked to (my supervisor is out of town, so he's filling in for her). It feels almost like a blind date. Yeesh. At least I know what he'll be wearing - one of the logo Tshirts - and which part of the shop he'll be in. It should be easy to find him. *Fingers crossed*

Should He Be Worried?

Ah, Facebook, you are often entertaining, and sometimes disturbing, and today I'm more that second one.

My brother's girlfriend is freaking me out a bit. My brother's back in town for a while to do a part of his pilot training, and lemme tell you, the GF is way excited about this. So excited, she kept putting up statuses that went like this, "I get to see him in three hours" then, "I get to see him in two hours!" and so on. Yeesh, girlie, chill out.

But, the topper today, was when her status popped up as the following:
GF WANTS BABIES!!!!! hahaha

Uh, yeah, about that...

I've got to say, I'm a bit concerned.

Navy Guy

Last week the website kicked up another guy who showed some promise. He's 29, a Navy MP (Amanda says, "MPs are crazy, but you could do crazy"), and more confident/put together than Radio Guy or Comic Book Guy. However, after a couple e-mails, I learned he's currently stationed in Italy.

Navy Guy has mentioned that he's returning to my area "soon," so it might not be bad to just do some e-mails right now. But, then he's stationed overseas again for a year. So, in an absolutely best case scenario, where when he's back in the states and we meet in person and really hit it off, I'm looking at a long-distance thing.

I've got to say, it doesn't look like Navy Guy is going to work out. I'll keep going and see where it ends up, 'cause there's no harm in just trying on the shoes, but I'm not holding my breath. Come on, universe, would it really be that awful if I met a nice attractive gentleman who's actually within a 50 mile radius of where I live? Ugh.

Another One Down

Me: So, I went on that date last night...
Amanda: And?
Me: It's not going to work with Radio Guy.
Amanda: *Sigh.*
Me: No, no. It's not like that.
Amanda: How is it like, then?
Me: He's got no confidence at all. I mean, think about Comic Book Guy, okay? Compared to Radio Guy, Comic Book Guy is outright ballsy.
Amanda: Oh. Well, don't worry, there'll be more guys for you to reject.
Me: Oh boy, I can't wait.

A Decided Lack of Enthusiasm

I have a date with Radio Guy tonight. I'm meeting him at a pizza place (my pick) in about half an hour. At this point, I'd kind of rather stay home. I just finished the second of two 8-hour days of pre-semester Composition department workshops, and I'm a bit worn out. Also, Radio Guy has proven to be kind of... boring. My goal tonight is to try and be more interesting myself, and do more interesting things, in order to give him, by extension, a chance to be more interesting. Maybe loosen him up a bit, and such. Maybe it'll help.

Worst case, the two-day workshop marathon gives me a prime excuse for calling it a night early.