Holding Pattern

As much as I loved my recent visit with Camii, it also made me a bit sad. All around me, I keep seeing people who are making progress in their lives. They've got relationships, careers, families, and they're generally headed somewhere. Camii just got her BA in psychology and she's planning to work in counseling. I think she'll be good at it. She's got the boyfriend, they're going to get married, they've got a condo she's fixed up and decorated, and these days she's also talking about another plan: the having-kids plan. She's building a life. Good for her.

And yet... as I sat there at the graduation ceremony, half listening to various important people talk to the graduating class about potential and the wonderful things they'll do next, that feeling of getting left behind crept over me again.

I look at what I've got, and I see no plan, no direction. It's all uncertainty. I'm almost finished with my master's, but when, exactly, that'll happen is unclear. I've been working on my damn thesis so long that I feel like I'm going to work on it forever. I've got a job, yes, but being a university adjunct instructor is part time work at best, and it's not going to work long-term, if for no other reason than insufficient pay. At the same time, I don't want to get a terminal degree so I can make the teaching gig more permanent. Right now, the idea of yet more school is as unappealing as soggy oatmeal. So, no career.

Relationships: They've always been hard for me and now my most recent close friend is moving away. Otherwise, I don't really have people I can call on the weekend to go out. I'm working on that, but it's slow going. Most of my favorite people live in nearby towns (vs. the same one as me) and have spouses/children, which makes them hard to spend time with.

Dating: Army Guy has some promise, but isn't entirely reliable. Depending on the day, on the hour, my prognosis of how that'll go roller-coasters. I got another nibble on the website, but the guy lives 100 miles away and it's still very early stage.

Family: I love my parents, but we don't always see eye-to-eye. My brother's moving far away. All the rest of my relatives are people I barely know, thanks to living so far away from them. And, without the dating part working, the family of my own isn't going to happen either.

In short, I feel like my life has lost momentum. Potential? Yes, there's potential. But having potential, on its own, doesn't really get you anywhere. I'm off of both school and work for the first summer since I was in middle school, and instead of being thrilled at the break, I keep feeling lost.