Feminine Gender: Part II

Penny Red's post about learned femininity and gender roles also got me thinking back to the purpose of this whole adventure.

Anthropologically speaking, we know that gender is culturally created and fairly arbitrary. Even though I'm a biological female, that doesn't mean I have to assume female gender roles. Especially in the current cultural setting where, unlike, say Puritan New England, the divisions between what is feminine and masculine are less concrete. If I were to continue to hold to my old patterns of gender identity, in the larger scheme of things it'd be fine. I don't really have anyone pointing their finger at me and demanding I wear a dress.

Yet, I've decided I need to explore the culturally feminine. I've talked with Amanda about it in terms of broadening my comfort zone. I'm already comfortable with my tom boy traits, but start talking makeup and I get uneasy. I shouldn't be. I clearly identify as female, and I don't put myself as anything but female on the Queer spectrum, so it's not a question of feeling like my identity and physical body are incongruent.

Rather, it's that my early experiences impressed me with the idea of equating feminine with weak and if you spend your afternoons playing with a group of boys, you can't be weak. I've had a history of being shy and self-conscious where the only thing about myself I could really be confident about (since I'd proven myself in elementary school) was my toughness. I could hang out with the guys, stare 'em down, and tell the dirty jokes. That's what I knew. That's what I held onto as a defense mechanism. Besides, my mom is something of a tom boy herself. She's tough, she's a hunter, and in the past decade I could probably count on one hand the number of times I've seen her wear lipstick. The "girly" influences on my early life were few and far between.

These days I'm less shy, more confident, older, wiser, and all that jazz. I no longer need masculinity as a shield, but I'm still not entirely confident in being a girl. When I'm tense, I go to a "manly" place, because I still see that as my strength. I'd call myself a feminist, but how feminist can I really be if I keep on this track of proving myself as one of the guys? I've already found my strength in the culturally masculine, now I need to find my strength in the culturally feminine as well.

It's about acknowledging (embracing?) all aspects of myself. I can't imagine myself ever going to the far end of the girly spectrum, but being confident enough in my girliness to occasionally put on some makeup surely wouldn't be a bad thing.