Reminds Me of Fireflies

I joined Facebook this week. Not one, but two, gals I knew in high school have wedding pictures up. Lovely wedding pictures.

"I have a wonderful fiancee who makes me extremely happy. We will be getting married on September 20th. Yay!!! :) J- and I recently bought a house and two wonderful little dachshund puppies. Life is busy right now but I love the direction it's going. I couldn't be happier:)"

Between Monday and Tuesday I was helped (by my critique group and thesis adviser) to realize that there's little chance I'll be able to get my thesis sorted out and defended this semester. I'm anxious to get my MA. I've been going to school for so long I feel like I'm treading water. Graduate school feels like it's a holding pattern for me. I need to get out of it, and now I probably will have to wait just a little longer for that to happen.

"I couldn't be happier."

*Sigh* I'm not feeling especially over-joyed this week. Rather, I'm feeling generally low. Overall, I'm in the same place this year as I was last. My high school peers have houses, spouses, and grown-up jobs. However, not much has changed in my life. It feels like a failure of sorts.

Every now and again, I get hit by a melancholy. Its roots come from the summer of 2002 when I spent three months on my own in Arkansas running a business. It didn't go so well - the business didn't work out, I was lonely, and in general it was unpleasant. My most vivid memory of the only times during that summer when I felt freed from all the bad I was swimming through is this:

On nights when it was especially bad, I would get in my car and drive. I only had one Chris Isaak album at the time, Heart Shaped World, which my aunt gave me as a present. For some reason, that album was perfect for these night drives. Something about the music was just fundamentally right for it. So, I'd roll down my windows, pop in Chris Isaak, and drive down the dark highways with my hand out the window and fireflies spattering across the windshield. In the dark, in motion, it was just me and the music. Ever since, Chris Isaak has had a certain significance for me.

Tonight I'm listening to him and thinking of fireflies.

I believe there's an answer waiting when the day is done.
I believe if you just keep searching you'll find someone.
I believe that you and I just lost our way.
And I believe in a beautiful day.
I still believe in a beautiful day.

But not for me, and not for you...

-Chris Isaak, "I Believe"