F*ing Week/The Worst Few Days of This Year

Today at the gym I ran on the cross ramp twice as long, twice as many miles, as my usual. It was, by a good amount, the most cardio I've ever done in one go. I almost went farther, too.

This past week was, in short, hellish. It started out being busy, escalated to overwhelming, ramped up to miserable with an aftertaste of frustration.

I started the new job, with fairly skeletal training. The new job is a solo type gig, so I was all alone on my first real day, and will be alone for the duration. Little bits of panic and self doubt - am I doing it right? am I completely botching it?

The worst part was diving into my first weekend of work right after my thesis defense. The defense is supposed to be stressful. It's supposed to keep us on our toes. Fine.

The part I wasn't expecting was when a member of my committee, a person who I've got a few years of history with, a person I trusted, did their best to corner me with questions that missed the point of what I'd written, dismissed my answers to said questions, then, after seemingly reluctantly agreeing with the rest of my committee to "pass" my defense, told me right to my face, "I was disappointed." Disappointed with work which my committee, including this person, had said looked good. One of the points of contention was because of something I put in my thesis because another member of my committee told me to. But, whatever, it's all my fault and I'm a fuck up.

So, you know, what the fuck? After I got my "pass," everyone was waiting for me outside the room to congratulate me. They even thought I did a good job. My parents, who came to my defense to support me, gave me hugs. People asked, "Are you excited to be done?" Excited? Try traumatized. I smiled, didn't say much, and all but ran out of there. I was able to make it to my car before the tears started. I met my parents at their house and as soon as they hugged me inside, I broke down all the way.

These days there's not much that can totally wreck me like that, but being told I'm a disappointment by someone I've known since I was an undergrad, someone who I trusted to guide me, someone who did their best to nail me to the wall, not with the intention of holding me to a high standard, but with what I can only describe as a personal attack... Yeah, that'll do me.

In the past couple of months, there have been one or two things that have made me begin distance myself from this person (Amanda believes it has a lot to do with a third party's influence, "poisoning the well," she says, and though I agree with her - though that doesn't excuse it). With that, and especially with the events of my thesis defense, I've lost both trust and respect for this person. We used to have a relationship. I used to think well of this person. But I can't now. It was nothing short of a betrayal for political gain. I can't come back from that.

Next, for the sake of not appearing petty, and for the sake of being professional, I have to navigate writing a Thank You note to this person, to thank them for being part of my committee - even though I now fervently wish that had not been the case. Next comes a linguistic exercise in being genuine and diplomatic. For, as much as I might find satisfaction in writing something like, "Sorry for the inconvenience, I'll never ask your help on anything again," I can't.

So, today, after I finished my work for the new job which was an odd combination of stressful and boring, and which prevented me from having an actual weekend, (Friday/Saturday/Sunday schedule), I went to the gym and I ran on the machine longer and farther than I ever have before. For a little while, all the room in my brain was taken up by the movement of my body and Elton John on my mp3 player.

It felt really, really good.