Size 6

I had to buy some new jeans the other day because my size 8s are now too big. It's cool to have a tangible sign that all my work at the gym is paying off.

F*ing Week/The Worst Few Days of This Year

Today at the gym I ran on the cross ramp twice as long, twice as many miles, as my usual. It was, by a good amount, the most cardio I've ever done in one go. I almost went farther, too.

This past week was, in short, hellish. It started out being busy, escalated to overwhelming, ramped up to miserable with an aftertaste of frustration.

I started the new job, with fairly skeletal training. The new job is a solo type gig, so I was all alone on my first real day, and will be alone for the duration. Little bits of panic and self doubt - am I doing it right? am I completely botching it?

The worst part was diving into my first weekend of work right after my thesis defense. The defense is supposed to be stressful. It's supposed to keep us on our toes. Fine.

The part I wasn't expecting was when a member of my committee, a person who I've got a few years of history with, a person I trusted, did their best to corner me with questions that missed the point of what I'd written, dismissed my answers to said questions, then, after seemingly reluctantly agreeing with the rest of my committee to "pass" my defense, told me right to my face, "I was disappointed." Disappointed with work which my committee, including this person, had said looked good. One of the points of contention was because of something I put in my thesis because another member of my committee told me to. But, whatever, it's all my fault and I'm a fuck up.

So, you know, what the fuck? After I got my "pass," everyone was waiting for me outside the room to congratulate me. They even thought I did a good job. My parents, who came to my defense to support me, gave me hugs. People asked, "Are you excited to be done?" Excited? Try traumatized. I smiled, didn't say much, and all but ran out of there. I was able to make it to my car before the tears started. I met my parents at their house and as soon as they hugged me inside, I broke down all the way.

These days there's not much that can totally wreck me like that, but being told I'm a disappointment by someone I've known since I was an undergrad, someone who I trusted to guide me, someone who did their best to nail me to the wall, not with the intention of holding me to a high standard, but with what I can only describe as a personal attack... Yeah, that'll do me.

In the past couple of months, there have been one or two things that have made me begin distance myself from this person (Amanda believes it has a lot to do with a third party's influence, "poisoning the well," she says, and though I agree with her - though that doesn't excuse it). With that, and especially with the events of my thesis defense, I've lost both trust and respect for this person. We used to have a relationship. I used to think well of this person. But I can't now. It was nothing short of a betrayal for political gain. I can't come back from that.

Next, for the sake of not appearing petty, and for the sake of being professional, I have to navigate writing a Thank You note to this person, to thank them for being part of my committee - even though I now fervently wish that had not been the case. Next comes a linguistic exercise in being genuine and diplomatic. For, as much as I might find satisfaction in writing something like, "Sorry for the inconvenience, I'll never ask your help on anything again," I can't.

So, today, after I finished my work for the new job which was an odd combination of stressful and boring, and which prevented me from having an actual weekend, (Friday/Saturday/Sunday schedule), I went to the gym and I ran on the machine longer and farther than I ever have before. For a little while, all the room in my brain was taken up by the movement of my body and Elton John on my mp3 player.

It felt really, really good.

Highlights from the week

• Phone message from Amanda: "I want to let you know, because I think you'll enjoy this, that I'm sitting in a Chinese restaurant in my little town in Arkansas and they're playing country music on the stereo."

• Hearing M. do Karaoke for her Bday ('cause that's what she likes) and finding out that she's got a fantastic voice. Side note: Mr. B. also came and she's still got a mad crush and he's still not interested.
  

• Did a health assessment with my new personal trainer which included us going into a private room, me taking off my shirt, and her measuring body parts. This prompted...
  

• Me remarking to Amanda that, "In the past four months I've been groped twice, both times by middle aged women." (One was my doctor, the other my trainer.) She was quick to offer a pep talk, "That'd be great if you were a lesbian."
  

• More e-mails with Navy guy in which I realize that, on paper, he just might be a great guy for me. There's just that small problem of him being in Italy and me being in the US. Logistics are a bitch.
  

• Took myself on a date to see Zombieland yesterday. It was wonderful. I'm pretty sure I was the only female there who hadn't gotten dragged to the movie by their boyfriend/husband. Apparently Zombie movies aren't chick flicks. Who knew?
  

Bye BB, Hello Gym Lady

BB came by my office again yesterday. He's growing a goatee kind of thing now which rather suits him, and he found another job at another gym. He gave me his new business card and I got a chance to ask him why he left the rec. center. He told me about it - they were paying him crap and he didn't really get along with his boss. I can understand why he left.

This morning I met with BB's old boss, aka my new trainer, aka Gym Lady/GL. Personality-wise, I think we'll get along fine. She's certainly different from BB in just about every way possible, but she's all right. The only thing I don't really like is she sometimes over-explains things, like I have no idea about anything, and while I can understand why she's doing it (she doesn't know what I know and what I don't, so she's covering all the bases) I don't like it. That's the annoying part about starting over with someone new, but it should go away soon once we get used to each other.

I do like the fact that her background is less about body-building and more about overall toning/conditioning. She switched around a lot of my resistance training. It'll take me a couple days to get used to the new stuff, but I think it'll end up working a little better for me.

BB & A Skirt, Or, An Irritating Friday

When I got to my office this morning at about 7:40, I saw the message button blinking on my phone. It was a message from BB canceling our appointment for today because he's no longer working at the rec. center. I still have no idea what the circumstances are, but my first thought is that it's a personality clash, which makes me irritated with him 'cause now I have to get used to some new person. Ugh.

I've been e-mailing back and forth with BB's boss to arrange a time to meet with her so she can take over my training. From when I met her briefly back in May, I got a good first impression from her, but who knows how that's going to translate. I have a hunch that she and BB might have pretty different training styles, and it makes me a little nervous about whether or not I'm going to like her approach.

In other news, I wore a pencil skirt to campus today. I got lots of comments and compliments from colleagues. On one hand, it was nice. On the other, it really made me feel self conscious. I'm also not a fan of how it restricts movement. I spent the whole time I was on campus being painfully aware of part of my legs being bare and being unable to pick something up from the floor without planning my movement. Once I got home, it took all of about two seconds for me to take it off.

A BB Problem

On Wednesday, I was going through my workout with BB. Someone was on the calf raise, so BB thought for a moment and said, "Let's try something." He took me over to the barbell set up and had me hold the barbell behind my head, rested on my shoulders, then stand up on my tip toes. That sort of things takes a bit of balance, let me tell ya.

While I wobbled and tried not to fall over, BB stood behind me as my spotter. "Don't worry, I got you."

I don't like people standing that close to me, especially not if they're male. It gives me an uncomfortableness. But, there he was, an inch behind me, and I was okay with it. I've hit the point where I trust him. That's why I got a tad concerned when he talked about having a meeting with his boss, and about being nervous about the meeting.

Me: Well, did she say what it's about?
BB: She said she wants to make some changes with the protocols and things.
Me: That doesn't sound too bad. Maybe not much fun, but nothing to worry about.
BB: We'll see. I guess I'll know Friday if I still have a job or not.

Today, during my office hours, I saw a shape in the doorway. I glanced up. It was BB. Took me by surprise. Him being there means he had to have looked up my office and my office hours. He stopped by to tell me he'd gone to the meeting. Turns out he got a raise and his boss told him about some changes.

BB: I don't know if it's going to work out, but I'll give it a try.

Then I had to dash off to class, so I didn't get a chance to learn more. I don't like it, though. I have no idea what the changes are, or why he doesn't like them, but I want BB to stay. I'll have to find out the rest during my next appointment Friday. It sucks that I have to wait a week. I hate waiting on information.

Undergrads and Undergrads

The first day of the semester went well. Not perfect, but well. The good parts were meeting my students and having all of my numerous handouts copied a couple days early. The not so good part was a series of technology issues in the computer labs where my classes are held. The phone lines for the IT department were very busy yesterday, let me tell you.

Thanks to my fast and dirty schedule - three classes in four hours, with an hour break for my office hours - I was done at noon. As far as the students themselves go, I'm trying a different approach with them this semester. I'm working on being more personable. I don't want to be their friend, but I do want them to feel like they can approach me if they need help. We'll see how it goes.

I hung out in the office to eat some lunch, then went to the gym and had a pretty intense work out. While I was on the cardio machine, BB was going through a workout with an undergrad. boy. The seated calf raise machine is right in front of where I was, so I got a little thrill of satisfaction when I was the undergrad was only doing 25 lbs. I'm up to 45.

In light of that accomplishment, when I got home I picked up my tape measure from the cabinet top it's been sitting on for the past month. My stomach is an inch smaller since I measured last. So is my waist. I've gotten some compliments lately about my workouts paying off, but now I have empirical evidence of the effects. That makes me happy.

I feel like I got a lot done yesterday, which is exciting.

Core

I wasn't looking forward to going to the gym today 'cause BB said we were going to go through my core workout. I wasn't thrilled, because I figured I knew what that meant. Of my workouts, my core is my least favorite :( The last thing I wanted was to make it harder.

We get through my first circuit (of three). I've been doing my core workout in a circuit, 'cause even though it's tougher that way, it's faster. In case you're wondering, this is my core workout:
15 back extensions
12-15 knee raises
12 incline sit ups
20 oblique crunches - 10 right, 10 left

I finish my oblique crunches and wait. I brace myself for him to say something that starts with "Now, on your next set I want you to..." and ends with some way of making my life more difficult. He doesn't say it. I do my second circuit. I wait, thinking of how I'm about to be adding weight to my back extensions, right? Nothing. I do my third circuit. Still nothing. Then I'm picking up my stuff and we're parting ways, and he still hasn't told me how he's going to make my workout harder. Nothing. Zip. Nada.

My core workout, for now, is staying exactly the same, and I find myself strangely disappointed. Humans are perverse creatures.

Making More Progress

BB went through my A workout with me yesterday. His favorite thing to do after I finish my first set is smile and hand me a heavier weight. Here I've been thinking I've been pushing myself - and, on my own, I've gone up on weight at least once with almost every exercise I've done - but, I've apparently been more of a wimp than I thought.

Among my increases, I went up from 8lb dumbbells to 10lb dumbbells on my flyes yesterday. Today my pecs are sore. And I know, if I were to tell BB that, he'd just smile and say, "Good."

Full Body B

BB went through my "B" workout with me today - i.e. he watched me do it and told me, "You're not working hard enough, use more weight," on a few of the exercises.

We chatted a bit during my rests.
BB: I'm doing summer classes so I can hurry up and get out of here.
Me: And then what?
BB: Start my career, get married, have kids.
He looked kind of self conscious when he said it.

Later, when we were scheduling next week's appointment, which was Thurs. like it is almost every week, he pointed to Tuesday.
BB: I'm not scheduling anything for Tuesday, see? It's my birthday.
Me: Oh yeah? How many will you be?
BB: Twenty-two.

Damn. I knew he was probably younger than I thought, since the odds were that he was an undergrad, but I didn't figure he was that young. I did the math in my head on my way out. Not only is he about the same age as my little brother, but BB is actually a couple months younger. Yeesh. He doesn't seem it.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

After two months of going to the gym, it's having a noticeable effect on my body. My bathroom scale still hasn't really moved, but I'm getting toned. It's cool.

The other day I noticed that my biceps bulge a bit. My thighs are shaped a little different than they used to be. My calves are more defined. Parts of me have become tighter, firmer. The lines of me aren't what they were two months ago. I like the new lines better, but it's strange to think that the very shape of me is changing. The last time that happened was puberty.

The BB Problem

I feel like such a cliche.

Last week, I was talking to Amanda about my appointment with BB at the gym.
Amanda: Ooh, you like him.
Me: What?
Amanda: You're always talking about him.
Me: I just-
Amanda: Don't argue with me. You like him.

Okay, so maybe I do a little bit. And maybe, just maybe, he likes me a little bit, but I really can't tell for sure. Besides, I kind of don't want to know if he does, because it wasn't supposed to go that way. I'm doing my best to ignore the possibility, 'cause I get flustered otherwise. BB is just supposed to be the guy who shows me how to do different exercises, nothing else. It's better that way, all compartmentalized. (See? I get flustered about it, even just writing about it here.)

Amanda thinks I should ask him if he's ever been a gymnast. She had a good experience with a gymnast and a hot tub and, ahem, creative positioning. She says I should ask BB about flexibility. She says, "Did you tell him about the gallery show?" and "Are you dating him yet?"

*Sigh* Why couldn't my personal trainer have been the gal? Why couldn't BB be married, or in his fifties, or otherwise not appropriate? If only he'd make some offhand comment about his girlfriend, then I could stop thinking about it.

Gym Goals

After something like two months of meeting with BB, I think we've finally gotten to the point where he's starting to get comfortable with me. It helps that I've started talking more. Today he watched me do my core workout. I wasn't looking forward to the idea of getting stared at while I did my workout, but I went to the gym a little early so I could do my upper & lower body workouts before meeting with him. He was working with another client at the same time, going through that guy's entire workout together. So, I ignored them and did my thing and figured BB was probably going to be glancing over from time to time to check up on me ('cause, as a teacher, that's exactly what I'd be doing in that kind of situation). As I was doing my rope pull-downs, BB walked over and said, "Not like that, like this..." proving that he was keeping an eye on me. The rest of it looked good though, he said.

Once he finished up with the other guy, we went through my core workout, which went fine. Back in his office, he brought up goals again. Ever since I started this personal training experience, he's been bringing up goals. During that first meeting, the other gal told me how goals are important, and how to set up SMART goals, yadda, yadda, yadda. I totally understand the importance of goals. I'm not knocking them, but I've been avoiding goals for the gym.

For BB and the other gal, it's all about deciding on a desirable end goal (lose X lbs) and they'll help you figure out the means (do X amount of working out). For me, the means is the end. My goal was all about starting, and maintaining, a workout regimen. Thus goal = achieved. Yeah, I'd also like to go down a pants size, but I see it as a side effect of me being healthier less than the goal itself.

BB: Next time we meet, I want you to tell me a specific goal you have.
Me: *noncomittal sound*
BB: Think about it. Think about what you want to achieve. I don't think you need to lose any weight, so maybe it's something like you want to run a mile in a certain amount of time.
Me: Okay, I'll think about it.

Wait. Was that a compliment? Cool.

So, I'm going to come up with a specific goal I can tell BB about next week and that'll make him happy. In the meantime, I'll work on my other goal of building rapport with BB. I can be friendly with most people, but he's been tough - has a lot to do with my self-consciousness about the gym at the beginning, but now I'm more comfortable.

F*ing Scale

I'm getting frustrated with the gym. Well, sort of. I've been good about going three days a week. I've been good, mostly, about doing everything BB tells me to. I've even been eating especially healthy these days, as to maximize the results of my hard work at the gym. It's been over a month and while I can tell a difference in some muscle tone, which is nice, my net weight loss = nada.

Now, I'm not saying I want to be super skinny because I don't. I know my genetics and body type and I'm not cut out to be a size 4. Which is perfectly okay with me, because I'm not a big fan of the twiggy look. I'll pass on Paris Hilton's physique in favor of Kate Winslet a la Titanic any day.

But, at 5'2" and 145 lbs, there's more of me than there ought to be. *sigh* I'm not asking to suddenly lose twenty pounds overnight, but after a month of working out, is a few pounds too much to ask for?

Funny Boys

I'm going into my 5th week of going to the gym. Yeesh, May's gone by quickly. Nothing's changed on my bathroom scale, but I'm noticing a bit of a change. I've been able to increase the weights I'm using and I can feel some toughness in my biceps and calves. I'm starting to get toned. Yay for me!

I had another follow up with my personal trainer guy yesterday. He still doesn't quite know what to make of me. At the end of the appointment, he made a comment or two about his expertise, meant to either impress me or at least remind me that he knows what he's talking about. He had just shown me how to do oblique crunches and said, "Yeah, I've got hundreds more like that in my head," he tapped it for emphasis.

Well, yeah, I'd assume so, my friend. That's why you're the personal trainer, right?

He hasn't had many female clients and is still new to the personal training gig, so the bids to show off clearly come from him trying to bolster his confidence. It's endearing. I'm always interested in the contradictions in people and I find it entertaining that here's a body builder who's thrown off balance by me. Amanda says I tend to have this effect on people. I'm noticing it more and more.

Also hilarious - watching the undergrad. boys at the gym. They tend to wander around for a few minutes, lift a weight once or twice, then wander around for a few more minutes, deciding what to lift up next. Then they glance around to see if anyone's watching.

It's funny to me that, in the time I'm there, I tend to do more actual resistance training than them.

The Gym

At the university where I work, they're offering a free personal training program for rec. center members. I'd never belonged to a gym before in my life, but I figured I'd take it as a sign from the powers that be to join. So, I arranged a meeting with the gal running the program.

When I showed up, she introduced me to the guy who'll be working with me. He's about my age and a body builder, which I wasn't expecting - I thought I'd be working with this gal specifically, which was an idea I liked because I wanted a woman. But, in for a penny, in for a pound, right? So, the three of us do a run down of why I'm there and how the whole thing works, then Body Builder took me on a tour of the gym.

The tour was interesting in a way that had nothing at all to do with the gym itself and everything to do with my guide. One aspect of my personality is silence. These days it's not really something that has to do with shyness (though it used to). More, it's about either concentration or waiting to see what someone's going to say. Sometimes I do it on purpose, sometimes I don't, but either way, it has a tendency to unnerve people.

During the tour, I was focused on BB's explanations of what the different equipment does and I really didn't have many questions. I was business-like instead of chatty, and it had its usual effect. BB started strutting just a bit. He went through a lot of machines and used them to show me how they worked, instead of having me try them. Then, he would make these off-hand comments to impress me, along the lines of "This is how you do it the easy way, and this is how you do it the hard way, which is the way I do it." It was funny. That, and the unsubtle boob glances. I'm well-endowed in the chest area, and am practiced in spotting the boob glance.

I can imagine the internal monologue: This girl isn't really paying me attention like other girls do. *check boobs* But, she's a girl, and I'm so macho. Maybe if I do something else that's tough she'll be impressed.

It was funny. Aside from that, though, I think he's plenty personable and he knows what he's doing, so I expect we'll get along just fine. In the mean time, I've done my first week of my training plan, and have had the fun experience of my muscles being sore from unaccustomed training. Today my abs are mad at me. Very mad. I've got to admit, though, that it feels good to be working out. Right now I'm a wuss and my work out plan reflects that, but you've got to start somewhere.