Conversations About Kids

"I don't want kids," I said.

My mom snorted and laughed like this was the funniest thing she'd ever heard.

"I'm serious. I don't want kids."

"That's exactly what I used to say."

* * *

I was visiting my pen pal (aka one of my oldest and dearest friends) last year and she was telling me about her plan. "First comes the wedding, and then I'm still deciding what should come second, children or graduate school. On one hand, it'd be easier to do school without kids. On the other, if I want children, having them before I'm thirty is the best thing biologically."

"Wow, you've really thought this out. I like the idea of you with kids. You'd be a super mom."

"You know, I'd never seriously thought about kids until I was with my fiance. Then I saw what a wonderful guy he is and suddenly, the idea of having children with him was just the most natural thing in the world."

She looked over at me and gave me a sly look. "It might go the same way for you, you know."

"I wouldn't want to say never, but I will say don't hold your breath."

She gave me another look and smiled. "You'd be a good mom, too, you know."

* * *

"Well," Amanda said. "One good thing about Mr. Curls' baggage is that most guys who already have kids like that don't want more."

* * *

On V-Day, when we were talking more about the ex-wives and his sons, I brought it up. "I know it's early in the game to bring this up, but have you thought of whether or not you'd like to have more children?"

He thought for a moment. "When I was with my first wife, she had some miscarriages which were really hard on both of us. But, she didn't want to take the pill or use any kind of birth control."

"That's really weird."

He shrugged. "So, I got a vasectomy."

At which point, I thought, "Score!"

"But, at some point, I think I would like to have more children and a vasectomy is reversible. What about you?"

"I used to never want kids, and it was pretty straight-forward with my ex, because he didn't want children. But, in the past year or two, I've started to think maybe. If the circumstances are right, I might be open to it."

We didn't go any further down that train of thought. For now, that's all that needed to be said.

* * *

The truth is, the idea of getting pregnant, giving birth, and raising a child or two intimidates me like no other. There's the issue of the immense responsibility of raising a child, compounded by the fact that having children puts stress on a marriage. I saw a statistic about how the child-rearing years are the time period when divorce is most likely. Put the two together, and I'm scared.

But, I've been changing during the past year or two. I've been building relationships with people in a way I was too afraid to before. I've been teaching and, especially last semester, I saw that how I interacted with my students was changing who I was. They made me... warmer. Having all of these students who had to trust me and to whom I worked hard to prove that trust was merited, plus spending so much time trying to bring out the best in them, it changed me. Teaching college comp. is not the same as raising a child. I know this. However, if I can do one, it makes me just the littlest bit less afraid of doing the other.

Besides, having been so single for a couple of years made the kids thing a moot point. Even if I'm more negotiable on the idea of having children, I absolutely don't want to be a single mother. Now, suddenly, I'm with someone who makes me very happy. Someone who's a good dad to his sons and who desperately wishes he could be a bigger part of their lives. It's easy to see how fiercely he loves them.

In the right circumstances, I can see myself maybe having children. Ideally, those circumstances would factor in being married to a wonderful man, having a certain level of financial stability, and getting pregnant by plan instead of a "whoops." I want to be ready for children. If I have them, I want to be able to love them fiercely, without ever thinking about how they happened too soon, or with the wrong guy, or any kind of thing like that. If I have kids, I owe it to them to be over the moon that they came into my life.

Now, for the first time in my life, I'm closer than ever to possibly seeing those circumstances happen. It's still far too early to seriously expect to be with Mr. Curls long term, and I'm still terrified at the idea of being a mom. So, I'm not saying I'm picking out baby names or anything like that. All I'm saying is that my mom is a smart lady (she knew before I did that me and the ex were nearing the end) and my pen pal knows me inside and out. Kids haven't really been part of the plan for my life, but I'm not going to say never.