I got a belated birthday phone call from a friend I've known almost my whole life. She's about a year younger than me, we've both grown up in the same town, gone to the same schools, and our lives could hardly be more different if we tried.
Me: Always the good girl, no kids, single, working on my MA
Her: Partied a lot, two kids (two dads), recently married (dad to neither kid), still hasn't finished her BA
We haven't talked a lot in the past couple of years. As much as she's practically family, we haven't had much in common to talk about. Yet, it seems we're coming back to common ground. One marked similarity, is that we've both hit a point in our lives where we feel like something's missing. She's feeling the need to decide on a career path and wrap up that BA (she's changed majors a hundred times as she tries one out and decides it doesn't suit her). Me, I'm feeling okay with the whole job/school thing. I don't know yet what I want to do, but I've got time to figure it out. Me, I'm feeling very single and like it'd be nice to have a relationship.
It's like we're mirror images of each other. I find it oddly reassuring to be reminded that there are a lot of elements that go into a "full" life and no single thing can be the difference between being happy or not. It's all about balance.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Photo Weekends
This week, along with the chess club adventure, I checked out a photography club. It was cool and it's got me excited to take photos again - which is well timed as I'm about to go on an overnight trip which will offer plenty of picture-taking opportunities.
To keep me going with the pictures, I've decided to add some photos to the blog. Each weekend gets a new picture. Yay for photos!
This week's photo is a little over a year old and comes from a trip I took with my brother to Isla Mujeres, Mexico. This picture is of the balcony of the bar at the resort we stayed at. It was cool and overcast that day, with rain off and on. My favorite thing about this picture is the contrast of the colors. I also like the perspective.
To keep me going with the pictures, I've decided to add some photos to the blog. Each weekend gets a new picture. Yay for photos!
This week's photo is a little over a year old and comes from a trip I took with my brother to Isla Mujeres, Mexico. This picture is of the balcony of the bar at the resort we stayed at. It was cool and overcast that day, with rain off and on. My favorite thing about this picture is the contrast of the colors. I also like the perspective.
The Charlie List
Maybe a year ago, I had a dream about, literally, my dream-guy. His name was Charlie. Since then, the detail about the dream have become fuzzy, but the name Charlie has become my shorthand for my ideal guy. Now, as I am a big believer that people tend to find what they're looking for, today seems like a good day for a list of the traits my perfect guy has.
Charlie:
Anyhow, this is my dream list. If you know of a guy who meets this criteria and is in his late 20s/early 30s, do a girl a favor and send him my way.
- Thinks meeting me was like winning the lotto
- Has the kind of smile that makes me smile when I see it
- Has a creative passion/passion for creating something
- Is confident
- Loves exploration
- Thinks I'm gorgeous
- Has a good relationship with his family
- Takes care of himself - I'm not talking gym fanatic, but someone who puts some effort into being healthy
- Likes my dog
- Knows himself & knows what he wants
- Enjoys the beauty of the world
- Would rather focus on solutions than problems
- Puts a premium on loyalty
- Is flexible and willing to compromise
- Has at least a bachelor's degree
- Enjoys traveling to new places
- Is physically affectionate
- Makes a phone call instead of sending a text
- No drugs or cigarettes/cigars
- Likes to have a couple beers sometimes, but isn't a big drinker
- Supportive of me, even if he doesn't get why I want something
- Is more outgoing than me
- Will try just about anything at least once
- Is probably not Christian, or at least isn't hard-core
- Respects my differences - i.e. it's okay if we like different music
- Cooks
- Does the dishes
- Makes romantic gestures - not necessarily a dozen roses, but leaves me a nice note, surprises me with a picnic, type of thing
- Likes his job
- Will take risks - thinks having a thing turn out badly is still better than being too afraid to attempt it
- Laughs easily
- Enjoys the odd corny joke/pun
- Gets along with my family
- Is good at managing his money. Even if he's not exactly raking it in, he's not in debt/buying things he can't afford
- Would rather buy something because it's interesting/has character than simply because it's a status symbol
- Gets excited about things like waking up at 3 a.m. to go watch a meteor shower
- Does what he says he's going to do
Anyhow, this is my dream list. If you know of a guy who meets this criteria and is in his late 20s/early 30s, do a girl a favor and send him my way.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Bikini Friday
Today, for a few hours, I am wearing a bikini. It is, in part, to work on my tan. Being tan is not something I've really thought about in my pasty-white past, but all this dog walking has got my arms all golden and I want at least get my legs to sort of match.
It is also, in part, an exercise in self confidence. I was thinking of the show How to Look Good Naked and decided today would be a good time to practice "flaunting it," even if I'm only flaunting it in my back yard :)
It is also, in part, an exercise in self confidence. I was thinking of the show How to Look Good Naked and decided today would be a good time to practice "flaunting it," even if I'm only flaunting it in my back yard :)
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
I Am Such a Nerd
During my senior year of high school, I was a member of chess club. I went with my friend Jeremy (one of the tallest, loomiest guys I've ever known) and it was me, him, the student teacher who sponsored the club, and a handful of underclassmen boys. I was the worst chess player out of everyone, and probably only won maybe three games the whole time, but I didn't mind. Also, I was the only girl. I mentioned this to Army Guy once and he said, "You must have gotten hit on all the time." No, not really. I think it likely that the boys were scared by Jeremy (remember, big and looming).
Anyhow, this summer I'm making it my goal to find ways of getting out of the house and into the world more. Hard to make friends/meet guys when I'm home alone. So, I looked in the newspaper for what's going on this week. Last night, the town chess club had a meeting at a local coffee shop. Why not? I figured. Not that chess club is really a happening thing for young single guys, but it's something that interests me.
I went to the coffee shop, met the three people who showed up, played a game or two with each of them, got beat each time, and got kind of adopted by two hard-core players who told me some strategy and showed me a couple of maneuvers. It was fun.
Like my high school experience, I think I'll be the odd-man out. I was the youngest of the bunch by far, though Liz said last night was a small turn out, so it's hard to judge for sure. She also perked up at the idea of recruiting me as it'd mean having two females in the club vs. just her.
This so doesn't help me find single gal pals my own age, but it's a start at being less of a hermit.
Anyhow, this summer I'm making it my goal to find ways of getting out of the house and into the world more. Hard to make friends/meet guys when I'm home alone. So, I looked in the newspaper for what's going on this week. Last night, the town chess club had a meeting at a local coffee shop. Why not? I figured. Not that chess club is really a happening thing for young single guys, but it's something that interests me.
I went to the coffee shop, met the three people who showed up, played a game or two with each of them, got beat each time, and got kind of adopted by two hard-core players who told me some strategy and showed me a couple of maneuvers. It was fun.
Like my high school experience, I think I'll be the odd-man out. I was the youngest of the bunch by far, though Liz said last night was a small turn out, so it's hard to judge for sure. She also perked up at the idea of recruiting me as it'd mean having two females in the club vs. just her.
This so doesn't help me find single gal pals my own age, but it's a start at being less of a hermit.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
The Night The Lights Went Out In the Mexican Restaurant
Last night I met up with my novel critique group and, since our usual venue was closed for Memorial Day, we ended up at On the Border. Toward the end of our dinner/meeting, as the rain poured down outside, the lights flickered off, came back on, then promptly went out for good.
The service staff looked at each other, wondering what to do, and my friends and I continued with our meeting, trying to read critique comments in the gloomy light from the window.
The restaurant was pretty empty when the power went out, so it kind of felt like the five of us were the only people there. Sitting around talking in the dark reminded me a bit of camping and telling stories at night. When the waiter brought us a can of sterno in the attempt to give us some kind of light, the effect was enhanced.
Power outages have always been kind of fun for me, it's the novelty, if nothing else. It was a pretty romantic experience, overall. If only I'd been there on a date rather than with three women and a married guy.
The service staff looked at each other, wondering what to do, and my friends and I continued with our meeting, trying to read critique comments in the gloomy light from the window.
The restaurant was pretty empty when the power went out, so it kind of felt like the five of us were the only people there. Sitting around talking in the dark reminded me a bit of camping and telling stories at night. When the waiter brought us a can of sterno in the attempt to give us some kind of light, the effect was enhanced.
Power outages have always been kind of fun for me, it's the novelty, if nothing else. It was a pretty romantic experience, overall. If only I'd been there on a date rather than with three women and a married guy.
Monday, May 25, 2009
The Army Guy Verdict
I've been thinking about Army Guy. I've been thinking of actions vs. words. I've been thinking about the difference in how guys operate vs. girls. Etc, etc. I've been thinking about what it is I'm looking for.
Conclusion: I don't know if he'll call or if he won't, but either way, I'm not feeling it.
I like him. I really like him, and I don't want to call it off. But, the bottom line is that he's not treating me the way I want to be treated. Nothing extreme, of course, but it's clear that while he likes me just fine when I'm right in front of him, when I'm not, he tends to forget about me. Then, when we do have plans, he shows up late. It shows, plain and simple, lack of respect. He says he'll do something (call me, pick me up at 7:00) and then he doesn't. Actions vs. words, my friends. Actions vs. words.
Now, there is the possibility that there's some crazy logic in his head for this dumbass behavior and that it doesn't really mean what I think it does, but the odds of that are incredibly slim. So, so long Army Guy. *Sigh*
Back to the drawing board.
Conclusion: I don't know if he'll call or if he won't, but either way, I'm not feeling it.
I like him. I really like him, and I don't want to call it off. But, the bottom line is that he's not treating me the way I want to be treated. Nothing extreme, of course, but it's clear that while he likes me just fine when I'm right in front of him, when I'm not, he tends to forget about me. Then, when we do have plans, he shows up late. It shows, plain and simple, lack of respect. He says he'll do something (call me, pick me up at 7:00) and then he doesn't. Actions vs. words, my friends. Actions vs. words.
Now, there is the possibility that there's some crazy logic in his head for this dumbass behavior and that it doesn't really mean what I think it does, but the odds of that are incredibly slim. So, so long Army Guy. *Sigh*
Back to the drawing board.
Sunday Night Jazz
Last night I went out with my afore-mentioned friend M. and met one of her gal pals from work. We went to a tacky little bar to listen to jazz because of a guy M. has a crush on. Now, let me give you a picture of how, for all that I live in a 150,000 population city, it's still very small town. When M. first started telling me about this guy who she went to college with and recently re-connected with via Facebook, I realized that he was none other than Mr. B, my orchestra teacher when I was a junior & senior in high school.
Anyhow, I went to the tacky bar with M. and her friend and had a couple of realizations.
1. The frustrations of one single gal are very, very much like the frustrations of any other single gal.
2. I really don't have any friends my own age (M. is about 15 years older than me, and her friend has a daughter my age).
So, we hung out at the bar and talked about Mr. B. as M.'s friend and I tried to figure out whether his lack of advances on M. were simple lack of interest or being a chicken, or both. Mr. B came out of a bad divorce a couple years back and I never got the impression of him being a particularly confident guy except when he has an instrument in his hands.
As the band got going, I thought about a couple I met at the bar. They've since become friends of mine. The guy plays trumpet and sometimes sits in with local bands. Not long after I was thinking this, the couple in question came through the door. I waved, said howdy, and reminded myself that these two are one reason to be optimistic about this whole dating thing, and especially about the dating online thing. Before they met each other, both had kids and divorces, and then they went on Yahoo personals. Now they've been married for two years and still adore each other.
I think about that part, and I think about my groovy friends. I don't think about the part where Army Guy said he'd call and hasn't.
Anyhow, I went to the tacky bar with M. and her friend and had a couple of realizations.
1. The frustrations of one single gal are very, very much like the frustrations of any other single gal.
2. I really don't have any friends my own age (M. is about 15 years older than me, and her friend has a daughter my age).
So, we hung out at the bar and talked about Mr. B. as M.'s friend and I tried to figure out whether his lack of advances on M. were simple lack of interest or being a chicken, or both. Mr. B came out of a bad divorce a couple years back and I never got the impression of him being a particularly confident guy except when he has an instrument in his hands.
As the band got going, I thought about a couple I met at the bar. They've since become friends of mine. The guy plays trumpet and sometimes sits in with local bands. Not long after I was thinking this, the couple in question came through the door. I waved, said howdy, and reminded myself that these two are one reason to be optimistic about this whole dating thing, and especially about the dating online thing. Before they met each other, both had kids and divorces, and then they went on Yahoo personals. Now they've been married for two years and still adore each other.
I think about that part, and I think about my groovy friends. I don't think about the part where Army Guy said he'd call and hasn't.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Funny Boys
I'm going into my 5th week of going to the gym. Yeesh, May's gone by quickly. Nothing's changed on my bathroom scale, but I'm noticing a bit of a change. I've been able to increase the weights I'm using and I can feel some toughness in my biceps and calves. I'm starting to get toned. Yay for me!
I had another follow up with my personal trainer guy yesterday. He still doesn't quite know what to make of me. At the end of the appointment, he made a comment or two about his expertise, meant to either impress me or at least remind me that he knows what he's talking about. He had just shown me how to do oblique crunches and said, "Yeah, I've got hundreds more like that in my head," he tapped it for emphasis.
Well, yeah, I'd assume so, my friend. That's why you're the personal trainer, right?
He hasn't had many female clients and is still new to the personal training gig, so the bids to show off clearly come from him trying to bolster his confidence. It's endearing. I'm always interested in the contradictions in people and I find it entertaining that here's a body builder who's thrown off balance by me. Amanda says I tend to have this effect on people. I'm noticing it more and more.
Also hilarious - watching the undergrad. boys at the gym. They tend to wander around for a few minutes, lift a weight once or twice, then wander around for a few more minutes, deciding what to lift up next. Then they glance around to see if anyone's watching.
It's funny to me that, in the time I'm there, I tend to do more actual resistance training than them.
I had another follow up with my personal trainer guy yesterday. He still doesn't quite know what to make of me. At the end of the appointment, he made a comment or two about his expertise, meant to either impress me or at least remind me that he knows what he's talking about. He had just shown me how to do oblique crunches and said, "Yeah, I've got hundreds more like that in my head," he tapped it for emphasis.
Well, yeah, I'd assume so, my friend. That's why you're the personal trainer, right?
He hasn't had many female clients and is still new to the personal training gig, so the bids to show off clearly come from him trying to bolster his confidence. It's endearing. I'm always interested in the contradictions in people and I find it entertaining that here's a body builder who's thrown off balance by me. Amanda says I tend to have this effect on people. I'm noticing it more and more.
Also hilarious - watching the undergrad. boys at the gym. They tend to wander around for a few minutes, lift a weight once or twice, then wander around for a few more minutes, deciding what to lift up next. Then they glance around to see if anyone's watching.
It's funny to me that, in the time I'm there, I tend to do more actual resistance training than them.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Happy Birfday to Me
Tuesday's my birthday and I'm trying to think of what I should give myself as a present. I'm thinking I'll do a little delayed gratification as Wednesday is my brother's graduation and it's going to be a bit hectic in the next couple of days.
On the 31st, I'm going on a short road trip with a friend, and I'm thinking maybe I'll do a shopping adventure during the trip to find a pendant I can make a necklace around. It'd been a while since I've made a beading purchase. I think I'm due :)
I'm old enough to be past the big milestones, but 25 seems important. Car insurance rates change at 25 :) Besides, 25 feels like an adult age - more than 24 ever did.
Yes, jewelry. Jewelry feels appropriate. And chocolate. There should definitely be some kind of chocolate.
On the 31st, I'm going on a short road trip with a friend, and I'm thinking maybe I'll do a shopping adventure during the trip to find a pendant I can make a necklace around. It'd been a while since I've made a beading purchase. I think I'm due :)
I'm old enough to be past the big milestones, but 25 seems important. Car insurance rates change at 25 :) Besides, 25 feels like an adult age - more than 24 ever did.
Yes, jewelry. Jewelry feels appropriate. And chocolate. There should definitely be some kind of chocolate.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Phone Call
I called Army Guy when I got back into town. No answer, I left a message, and it took him two days to call me back. I missed the call and called him back about half an hour later.
Him: Hey, what's up?
Me: Oh, I just got home.
Him: Can I call you back? I'm at the chiropractor.
Me: Sure. Talk to you later.
Cue the panic attack.
My mind immediately jumped into worst-case scenario mode. There was only one reason for him to call. Only one thing he could want to say, "This isn't working." I prepped for it, decided what I would say, and thought about going back to not having to worry about him.
He called back. I braced myself. Then we had a twelve-minute phone conversation that was just chatting. No, "This isn't working" or anything along those lines. He just told me how his weekend went and asked how my trip had gone.
At the end of the call, I was confused. A twelve-minute phone call that hadn't featured making plans. All he said was he'd call me again in the next day or two (he likes to do that, be the one who calls). What did it mean? Stupid Amanda, being unavailable.
Then I had a realization. That whole conversation had happened because he wanted to talk to me. He wanted to hear my voice. He wanted to know how my day was going. Go figure.
Him: Hey, what's up?
Me: Oh, I just got home.
Him: Can I call you back? I'm at the chiropractor.
Me: Sure. Talk to you later.
Cue the panic attack.
My mind immediately jumped into worst-case scenario mode. There was only one reason for him to call. Only one thing he could want to say, "This isn't working." I prepped for it, decided what I would say, and thought about going back to not having to worry about him.
He called back. I braced myself. Then we had a twelve-minute phone conversation that was just chatting. No, "This isn't working" or anything along those lines. He just told me how his weekend went and asked how my trip had gone.
At the end of the call, I was confused. A twelve-minute phone call that hadn't featured making plans. All he said was he'd call me again in the next day or two (he likes to do that, be the one who calls). What did it mean? Stupid Amanda, being unavailable.
Then I had a realization. That whole conversation had happened because he wanted to talk to me. He wanted to hear my voice. He wanted to know how my day was going. Go figure.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Holding Pattern
As much as I loved my recent visit with Camii, it also made me a bit sad. All around me, I keep seeing people who are making progress in their lives. They've got relationships, careers, families, and they're generally headed somewhere. Camii just got her BA in psychology and she's planning to work in counseling. I think she'll be good at it. She's got the boyfriend, they're going to get married, they've got a condo she's fixed up and decorated, and these days she's also talking about another plan: the having-kids plan. She's building a life. Good for her.
And yet... as I sat there at the graduation ceremony, half listening to various important people talk to the graduating class about potential and the wonderful things they'll do next, that feeling of getting left behind crept over me again.
I look at what I've got, and I see no plan, no direction. It's all uncertainty. I'm almost finished with my master's, but when, exactly, that'll happen is unclear. I've been working on my damn thesis so long that I feel like I'm going to work on it forever. I've got a job, yes, but being a university adjunct instructor is part time work at best, and it's not going to work long-term, if for no other reason than insufficient pay. At the same time, I don't want to get a terminal degree so I can make the teaching gig more permanent. Right now, the idea of yet more school is as unappealing as soggy oatmeal. So, no career.
Relationships: They've always been hard for me and now my most recent close friend is moving away. Otherwise, I don't really have people I can call on the weekend to go out. I'm working on that, but it's slow going. Most of my favorite people live in nearby towns (vs. the same one as me) and have spouses/children, which makes them hard to spend time with.
Dating: Army Guy has some promise, but isn't entirely reliable. Depending on the day, on the hour, my prognosis of how that'll go roller-coasters. I got another nibble on the website, but the guy lives 100 miles away and it's still very early stage.
Family: I love my parents, but we don't always see eye-to-eye. My brother's moving far away. All the rest of my relatives are people I barely know, thanks to living so far away from them. And, without the dating part working, the family of my own isn't going to happen either.
In short, I feel like my life has lost momentum. Potential? Yes, there's potential. But having potential, on its own, doesn't really get you anywhere. I'm off of both school and work for the first summer since I was in middle school, and instead of being thrilled at the break, I keep feeling lost.
And yet... as I sat there at the graduation ceremony, half listening to various important people talk to the graduating class about potential and the wonderful things they'll do next, that feeling of getting left behind crept over me again.
I look at what I've got, and I see no plan, no direction. It's all uncertainty. I'm almost finished with my master's, but when, exactly, that'll happen is unclear. I've been working on my damn thesis so long that I feel like I'm going to work on it forever. I've got a job, yes, but being a university adjunct instructor is part time work at best, and it's not going to work long-term, if for no other reason than insufficient pay. At the same time, I don't want to get a terminal degree so I can make the teaching gig more permanent. Right now, the idea of yet more school is as unappealing as soggy oatmeal. So, no career.
Relationships: They've always been hard for me and now my most recent close friend is moving away. Otherwise, I don't really have people I can call on the weekend to go out. I'm working on that, but it's slow going. Most of my favorite people live in nearby towns (vs. the same one as me) and have spouses/children, which makes them hard to spend time with.
Dating: Army Guy has some promise, but isn't entirely reliable. Depending on the day, on the hour, my prognosis of how that'll go roller-coasters. I got another nibble on the website, but the guy lives 100 miles away and it's still very early stage.
Family: I love my parents, but we don't always see eye-to-eye. My brother's moving far away. All the rest of my relatives are people I barely know, thanks to living so far away from them. And, without the dating part working, the family of my own isn't going to happen either.
In short, I feel like my life has lost momentum. Potential? Yes, there's potential. But having potential, on its own, doesn't really get you anywhere. I'm off of both school and work for the first summer since I was in middle school, and instead of being thrilled at the break, I keep feeling lost.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Flying Blind
Amanda, my source for advice on all things girly, is on a trip until the 27th. She'll be overseas and out of touch, leaving me to navigate Army Guy on my own. I feel very abandoned.
Trip
I just spent a couple of days about 300 miles from home visiting my friend Camii. We've known each other for about nine years and she's the one person in the world who understands me best. In some ways, she's kind of like my twin. Our personalities and perspectives are very similar and we were even born within a few days of each other. Sometimes I kind of think of her as a mirror for me. Looking into that mirror helped me look at the situation with Army Guy a bit differently.
During the drive to Camii, I called Amanda and told her I was feeling uneasy - Army Guy seems to want me to be his girlfriend (not just a girl to bang). The uneasiness comes from residual gunk from breaking up with the ex - relationships with emotions and sex involved are dangerous, and why would I want to go there again? Her input was pretty simple: get over the baggage and give it a whirl. She said I couldn't be anxious/afraid of it without also being excited about it, so suck it up and be a big girl.
Then, once I arrived at my destination, I got to spend time with Camii. Camii, like me, is yin to Amanda's yang, and the shift was nice. Also nice, seeing Camii with her boyfriend. I met the boyfriend about two years ago and I like him. He's a decent guy who treats my friend well and they're due to get married about this time next year. Seeing them together made me think, "Oh yeah, someone like me really can find who they're looking for."
So, maybe Army Guy isn't who I'm looking for, or maybe he is. Either way, I'm only going to find out by trying on the girlfriend shoes.
During the drive to Camii, I called Amanda and told her I was feeling uneasy - Army Guy seems to want me to be his girlfriend (not just a girl to bang). The uneasiness comes from residual gunk from breaking up with the ex - relationships with emotions and sex involved are dangerous, and why would I want to go there again? Her input was pretty simple: get over the baggage and give it a whirl. She said I couldn't be anxious/afraid of it without also being excited about it, so suck it up and be a big girl.
Then, once I arrived at my destination, I got to spend time with Camii. Camii, like me, is yin to Amanda's yang, and the shift was nice. Also nice, seeing Camii with her boyfriend. I met the boyfriend about two years ago and I like him. He's a decent guy who treats my friend well and they're due to get married about this time next year. Seeing them together made me think, "Oh yeah, someone like me really can find who they're looking for."
So, maybe Army Guy isn't who I'm looking for, or maybe he is. Either way, I'm only going to find out by trying on the girlfriend shoes.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Gotta Give the Guy Some Credit
The thing I liked most about my ex when we were together was that I knew how it went. He liked me, I liked him, and we only wanted to be with each other. Until, of course, it all imploded at the end. These days, I'm skittish about getting that emotionally close to someone again. Maybe, someday... Today, I'm guarded. So, everything that I see in Army Guy is tinged with "this won't last" in my head, and I think in some ways I'm reading more than is there because of the voice in my head.
Thus, he does something that's typical guy dumbness and I read it as something sinister. Maybe it is, but maybe it isn't. I filled Amanda in on Friday night and she made a good point about it may simply be that he doesn't pay the closest attention to time. Not that it's okay, but he's got to know I don't like it before it means something.
On this blog, I've given into my cynicism and when I've written about AG I've generally glossed over or left out the flattering parts about him. It's not fair, I know, but it's self-defense. It's the same reason I call him Army Guy with my friends vs. using his name - it's all about keeping a distance. Over the past few days, I've talked to some friends, Amanda, and even my parents about him and come to the realization that it might be time to call him by name. (Though he'll remain Army Guy here). It makes a difference, just that small thing.
Overall, Army Guy is definitely a dumb boy when it comes to the dating stuff, but there's also a side of him that's rather more sweet and genuine. It's like he's trying to find his own balance with me. I've already mentioned some of the jackassery, but he deserves some credit for the good stuff too:
We're going to do dinner and a movie tomorrow and I told him to call me if he's running late. If he shows up on time, we're good. If he calls to say he's running late, then we're also good, because he's still acknowledging that I'm waiting on him. If he just arrives late, then we're not good.
Depending on how that goes, it may be time to start testing the waters in regard to dating history/sexual history. He's made passing references, but I've not. It may be time to lay some cards on the table.
So, to borrow from Jamy, I'm coming to terms that my boyfriend advisory level leans toward Elevated.
Thus, he does something that's typical guy dumbness and I read it as something sinister. Maybe it is, but maybe it isn't. I filled Amanda in on Friday night and she made a good point about it may simply be that he doesn't pay the closest attention to time. Not that it's okay, but he's got to know I don't like it before it means something.
On this blog, I've given into my cynicism and when I've written about AG I've generally glossed over or left out the flattering parts about him. It's not fair, I know, but it's self-defense. It's the same reason I call him Army Guy with my friends vs. using his name - it's all about keeping a distance. Over the past few days, I've talked to some friends, Amanda, and even my parents about him and come to the realization that it might be time to call him by name. (Though he'll remain Army Guy here). It makes a difference, just that small thing.
Overall, Army Guy is definitely a dumb boy when it comes to the dating stuff, but there's also a side of him that's rather more sweet and genuine. It's like he's trying to find his own balance with me. I've already mentioned some of the jackassery, but he deserves some credit for the good stuff too:
- He listens when I talk and is pretty good about recalling things from previous conversations - i.e. shows he's actually paying attention.
- He's affectionate and not just horny - there's hand holding going on when we're out.
- Aside from the timing issue, he's pretty considerate of me - when we made plans for Wednesday and I mentioned having a lot going on, he agreed to come to my town instead of me going to his 'cause it'd be more convenient. And, he doesn't just dictate what we're going to do when we go out, he asks what I want to do.
- He smiles real big when he sees me.
- He casually slips "we" into our conversations, like, "We should go see a rodeo."
- The other night, he was talking about how we should come up with a better story to tell people how we met than online. So, he's planning to tell people we've met. His first idea was that we met while we were in the circus, and I have to admit, the dorkiness of that idea is quite charming to me.
- He holds doors for me and does the gentleman thing, which isn't a big deal, but it shows a little bit of effort and I like that.
- On a lot of little things, we tend to think alike - which may be the most surprising part of it all, given that he describes himself as staunchly conservative and I lean more towards liberal. But, for instance, we got on the topic of stoners we'd known (I can't remember how, exactly, but we got there). AG isn't a stoner, anything but, yet he thinks pot should be legalized. Unexpected, coming from someone with his political background, and it makes me think he might not be as conservative as he thinks he is.
- He occasionally mentions exes, but not just to go on and on about them - it's always in the context of something else he's talking about - and he doesn't slam them. It's not "that bitch" but simply "this girl I was dating." Good sign.
We're going to do dinner and a movie tomorrow and I told him to call me if he's running late. If he shows up on time, we're good. If he calls to say he's running late, then we're also good, because he's still acknowledging that I'm waiting on him. If he just arrives late, then we're not good.
Depending on how that goes, it may be time to start testing the waters in regard to dating history/sexual history. He's made passing references, but I've not. It may be time to lay some cards on the table.
So, to borrow from Jamy, I'm coming to terms that my boyfriend advisory level leans toward Elevated.
Monday, May 11, 2009
To Boff, or Not To Boff?
Where things will go, or not go, with Army Guy is still a mystery at this point. I'm skeptical of it becoming something long term - if nothing else, he may be moving in a few months and I don't think making a long-distance go of it is likely. But, before I think in a large scale time frame, I've got to negotiate the small scale one. One of the main issues there is whether or not to make Army Guy the 2nd notch on my bed post. (Yeah, 2nd. That wasn't a typo.)
My problem is trying to decide whether or not that would be a good idea. Secondary to that is deciding my timeline for making the decision to go for it or walk away. But, this post is all about that first decision. Since I like lists, I think I'll do pros and cons.
Pros:
Cons:
I'm going to have to trust my instincts. My instincts are usually good, even if I don't pay attention to them at the time. For instance, my 1st high school boyfriend was totally ready to have sex with me, but I kept our amorous adventures strictly above the belt. Going further just never really felt right. Between being too young, and the boy proving himself an ass, there are few decisions I have been so happy about making and sticking to. Then, with my ex-fiancee (aka the only guy I've slept with), it felt right, and for a long time, it was right.
I know that my instincts will serve me with Army Guy, too. My problem is figuring out which impulse I'm feeling (and I'm swinging back and forth between either side of the spectrum of going for it and calling the whole thing off) is instinct vs. insecurity, horniness, etc. I just keep thinking of Date 2 when I was on his couch and things were progressing. I kept asking myself, "Is this okay? Is this right?" I kept saying, "Yup. All's well." I asked myself, too, whether or not I could have sex with this guy. The answer was also positive. I just need to be sure whether or not it was my instinct or my libido.
Luckily, timing is on my side. This week I'm going out of town for a few days to visit one of my closest friends. She's probably the one person in the world who understands me the best and she can help me get perspective on what is really right for me (as opposed to what is right for any girl according to the Amanda rules of dating).
My problem is trying to decide whether or not that would be a good idea. Secondary to that is deciding my timeline for making the decision to go for it or walk away. But, this post is all about that first decision. Since I like lists, I think I'll do pros and cons.
Pros:
- He's hot and we've got physical chemistry.
- I like him.
- I've been celibate for 2 years (so, you know, I'm kinda craving it).
- It'd be fun.
- I've only been with one guy, and I'm curious to see what it'd be like with a new one, especially since our heights are so close - certain logistics work better.
- Army Guy seems eager to please.
- So far, getting physical with him has been easy and not awkward as I had feared. I think we'd be compatible in bed.
- If he's really just wanting to get in my pants, the earlier I sleep with him, the earlier I'll know and can move on.
Cons:
- I'm still not really sure how seriously he's taking this whole me and him thing, and I'm not into sex for the sake of sex.
- I'm not sure if I'm really ready to feel the emotions that go along with sex.
- I've been celibate for 2 years (so, would I be doing it because I should, or because I'm just horny?)
- Getting me in bed may be his end-game and he'll lose interest in me after.
I'm going to have to trust my instincts. My instincts are usually good, even if I don't pay attention to them at the time. For instance, my 1st high school boyfriend was totally ready to have sex with me, but I kept our amorous adventures strictly above the belt. Going further just never really felt right. Between being too young, and the boy proving himself an ass, there are few decisions I have been so happy about making and sticking to. Then, with my ex-fiancee (aka the only guy I've slept with), it felt right, and for a long time, it was right.
I know that my instincts will serve me with Army Guy, too. My problem is figuring out which impulse I'm feeling (and I'm swinging back and forth between either side of the spectrum of going for it and calling the whole thing off) is instinct vs. insecurity, horniness, etc. I just keep thinking of Date 2 when I was on his couch and things were progressing. I kept asking myself, "Is this okay? Is this right?" I kept saying, "Yup. All's well." I asked myself, too, whether or not I could have sex with this guy. The answer was also positive. I just need to be sure whether or not it was my instinct or my libido.
Luckily, timing is on my side. This week I'm going out of town for a few days to visit one of my closest friends. She's probably the one person in the world who understands me the best and she can help me get perspective on what is really right for me (as opposed to what is right for any girl according to the Amanda rules of dating).
Sunday, May 10, 2009
In Other News
As mentioned in a previous post, this whole dating thing has been a good incentive to be more active and social in other ways so I'm not just sitting around waiting for a dumb boy to call. The dating side-effects in that respect are proving a good thing.
Yesterday morning I met a friend from the university for coffee and gossip. She and I are putting together an out of town trip with a couple other gals from the university. I think the trip will be a lot of fun, and it's girls only, which is also fun. We hung out and chatted for a while and it was good to hang out with her.
Today I did coffee again, but this time with a gal friend who I haven't seen for probably six months. She's also a single gal and we got to talk about how dating sucks. Her take on Army Guy is about 180 degrees from Amanda's. Instead of following the pre-ordained steps, M. is all about just doing what feels good. Her take on it is more like mine - I'll boff him whenever I feel like it and just see where it all goes. No pressure. In the end, I lean more toward a combination of philosophies - not waiting as long as Amanda would have me (her idea is 6-8 dates), but still waiting a bit longer, (I'm thinking more like 5). Coffee with M. turned into dinner, which turned into sitting on my couch and catching up. M. is fun and she, like me, has a strong tom boy side. We joked around about guys and body parts and generally caught up.
Regardless of how things with Army Guy ultimately go, dating him has proven to be a good thing in other ways. It's funny how getting close to a guy has made me get closer to some of my favorite gals. Then again, isn't that the whole plot Sex and the City?
Yesterday morning I met a friend from the university for coffee and gossip. She and I are putting together an out of town trip with a couple other gals from the university. I think the trip will be a lot of fun, and it's girls only, which is also fun. We hung out and chatted for a while and it was good to hang out with her.
Today I did coffee again, but this time with a gal friend who I haven't seen for probably six months. She's also a single gal and we got to talk about how dating sucks. Her take on Army Guy is about 180 degrees from Amanda's. Instead of following the pre-ordained steps, M. is all about just doing what feels good. Her take on it is more like mine - I'll boff him whenever I feel like it and just see where it all goes. No pressure. In the end, I lean more toward a combination of philosophies - not waiting as long as Amanda would have me (her idea is 6-8 dates), but still waiting a bit longer, (I'm thinking more like 5). Coffee with M. turned into dinner, which turned into sitting on my couch and catching up. M. is fun and she, like me, has a strong tom boy side. We joked around about guys and body parts and generally caught up.
Regardless of how things with Army Guy ultimately go, dating him has proven to be a good thing in other ways. It's funny how getting close to a guy has made me get closer to some of my favorite gals. Then again, isn't that the whole plot Sex and the City?
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Army Guy Loses Points
I still like Army Guy, but some of the gloss is wearing off. The first date was all about impressing me, but less so now. Some flakiness is starting to show through. He called me around noon on Friday and we made plans for him to come to my town that night. He thought around six or seven would work and he'd call me later to get my address when he was getting ready to head my way. Note: it takes 45 min. to an hour to get from where he lives to where I live.
He called at 6:30 and said he still needed to take a shower. I wasn't surprised, he seems to have a hard time with time. (Date 2 he was running late even though I said I'd get there half an hour later than the time he originally suggested). But, going off of Date 2, I know he takes a fast shower. I gave him my address and figured he'd get here within an hour or so. 8:30, he arrives and says sorry for being late, but he had to watch the end of a football game. Really? That's the excuse? Isn't it a little early in the dating process to be running late on me?
Otherwise, though, the evening went well. Dinner, a walk around downtown, a bit of coffee, and some more partial nudity on the couch at the end.
At the end, I walked him out to his car and did what Amanda had coached me to do.
Me: I had a nice time tonight.
AG: Me too.
Me: I'm going out of town this Thursday and would very much like to see you again before then.
AG: Yeah, we'll make plans. (turned toward his car to leave)
Me: Like, for instance?
AG: I'll call you tomorrow.
Me: Okay.
It wasn't ideal, as the idea was to get him to say what and when right there, but I didn't feel like pushing it and I decided that making plans the next day would be soon enough. Guess who didn't call today.
So, I'm torn. Army Guy's ego is showing through and I'm not liking this being taken for granted vibe I'm feeling. On the other hand, I'd tend to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he wouldn't think any part of this was amiss. Then again, if he doesn't see a problem here, doesn't that say something important in and of itself?
This flakiness cancels out his bonus points for liking Neil Gaiman and knocks his grand tally down a few. It raises lots of questions, including: What am I looking for from him? At what point do I walk away if this continues? How harshly do I call "bullshit?" How much of his interest in me is just interest in having sex with me? How much of his interest in me is actually interest in me?
I've got to talk to Amanda tomorrow. One thing she said just keeps ringing in my head, (she said it during one of our conversations about how I needed to wait to have sex with him). She told me to wait because first impressions can be misleading: "They're never as great as you think."
He called at 6:30 and said he still needed to take a shower. I wasn't surprised, he seems to have a hard time with time. (Date 2 he was running late even though I said I'd get there half an hour later than the time he originally suggested). But, going off of Date 2, I know he takes a fast shower. I gave him my address and figured he'd get here within an hour or so. 8:30, he arrives and says sorry for being late, but he had to watch the end of a football game. Really? That's the excuse? Isn't it a little early in the dating process to be running late on me?
Otherwise, though, the evening went well. Dinner, a walk around downtown, a bit of coffee, and some more partial nudity on the couch at the end.
At the end, I walked him out to his car and did what Amanda had coached me to do.
Me: I had a nice time tonight.
AG: Me too.
Me: I'm going out of town this Thursday and would very much like to see you again before then.
AG: Yeah, we'll make plans. (turned toward his car to leave)
Me: Like, for instance?
AG: I'll call you tomorrow.
Me: Okay.
It wasn't ideal, as the idea was to get him to say what and when right there, but I didn't feel like pushing it and I decided that making plans the next day would be soon enough. Guess who didn't call today.
So, I'm torn. Army Guy's ego is showing through and I'm not liking this being taken for granted vibe I'm feeling. On the other hand, I'd tend to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he wouldn't think any part of this was amiss. Then again, if he doesn't see a problem here, doesn't that say something important in and of itself?
This flakiness cancels out his bonus points for liking Neil Gaiman and knocks his grand tally down a few. It raises lots of questions, including: What am I looking for from him? At what point do I walk away if this continues? How harshly do I call "bullshit?" How much of his interest in me is just interest in having sex with me? How much of his interest in me is actually interest in me?
I've got to talk to Amanda tomorrow. One thing she said just keeps ringing in my head, (she said it during one of our conversations about how I needed to wait to have sex with him). She told me to wait because first impressions can be misleading: "They're never as great as you think."
Thursday, May 7, 2009
A Social Life/Dating the Amanda Way
I don't like dating. I like the part after dating when you get to the warm fuzzy relationship part where it's no longer about the rules and about wondering whether or not he likes you 'cause you're past that part. I don't like dating Army Guy 'cause I actually like this guy. I really want him to be interested enough in me to call. It sucks.
The upshot of it, however, is the side effect. In order to be more interesting, and to distract myself from thinking about Army Guy, I've been keeping myself busy and making plans with friends. I've gone to a concert, on a walking tour of downtown, shopping, to the gym, and tomorrow I'm doing coffee with a friend and an appointment with Body Builder guy at the gym. I've also been working on some craft projects, trying to make a present for my friend's college graduation next week and my out of town trip to see her. So, I've been staying busy.
Yet, here I am, thinking about how Army Guy said he'd call me toward the end of the week to make plans for the weekend. He likes to do that - instead of actually making plans right away, he says he'll call me in a few days - it's a power play and it's going to have to change. Anyhow, going by the traditional three day "rule," he should've called today. No call. Still, so far he's shown no sign of being a flake, and he said he'd call, so I expect he will. I just don't like waiting.
Traditional dating dynamics irk me. The idea is that the gal is the prize and the guy has to earn her - it's like winning the lotto vs. making the millions by working for it, you've got to earn it to appreciate it. It's all about male pursuing female. In the past I've deviated from this dynamic and it went poorly. This time, I'm trying the Amanda way. So far, it's working better. There are things about it I don't like, but I do like not having to worry about what I should or shouldn't do - call, or don't call? It's simpler this way. That much I like about it.
The upshot of it, however, is the side effect. In order to be more interesting, and to distract myself from thinking about Army Guy, I've been keeping myself busy and making plans with friends. I've gone to a concert, on a walking tour of downtown, shopping, to the gym, and tomorrow I'm doing coffee with a friend and an appointment with Body Builder guy at the gym. I've also been working on some craft projects, trying to make a present for my friend's college graduation next week and my out of town trip to see her. So, I've been staying busy.
Yet, here I am, thinking about how Army Guy said he'd call me toward the end of the week to make plans for the weekend. He likes to do that - instead of actually making plans right away, he says he'll call me in a few days - it's a power play and it's going to have to change. Anyhow, going by the traditional three day "rule," he should've called today. No call. Still, so far he's shown no sign of being a flake, and he said he'd call, so I expect he will. I just don't like waiting.
Traditional dating dynamics irk me. The idea is that the gal is the prize and the guy has to earn her - it's like winning the lotto vs. making the millions by working for it, you've got to earn it to appreciate it. It's all about male pursuing female. In the past I've deviated from this dynamic and it went poorly. This time, I'm trying the Amanda way. So far, it's working better. There are things about it I don't like, but I do like not having to worry about what I should or shouldn't do - call, or don't call? It's simpler this way. That much I like about it.
The Problem With Army Guy
Me: I don't want to see Army Guy again.
Amanda: Why?!
Me: It's all wrong, I don't like it. I invited him to come down on Friday, he couldn't because he had an army thing going on, and that was it. It's been three days.
Amanda: Whatever you do, don't call him. He has to call you.
Me: I don't want him to call me.
Amanda: Yes you do. You like him.
Me: I don't want to like him. I don't want to follow the dating rules, and I don't want to date.
Amanda: He'll call.
Me: What if he doesn't?
Amanda: He'll call.
He called about 20 min. later.
Amanda: Why?!
Me: It's all wrong, I don't like it. I invited him to come down on Friday, he couldn't because he had an army thing going on, and that was it. It's been three days.
Amanda: Whatever you do, don't call him. He has to call you.
Me: I don't want him to call me.
Amanda: Yes you do. You like him.
Me: I don't want to like him. I don't want to follow the dating rules, and I don't want to date.
Amanda: He'll call.
Me: What if he doesn't?
Amanda: He'll call.
He called about 20 min. later.
Monday, May 4, 2009
The Gym
At the university where I work, they're offering a free personal training program for rec. center members. I'd never belonged to a gym before in my life, but I figured I'd take it as a sign from the powers that be to join. So, I arranged a meeting with the gal running the program.
When I showed up, she introduced me to the guy who'll be working with me. He's about my age and a body builder, which I wasn't expecting - I thought I'd be working with this gal specifically, which was an idea I liked because I wanted a woman. But, in for a penny, in for a pound, right? So, the three of us do a run down of why I'm there and how the whole thing works, then Body Builder took me on a tour of the gym.
The tour was interesting in a way that had nothing at all to do with the gym itself and everything to do with my guide. One aspect of my personality is silence. These days it's not really something that has to do with shyness (though it used to). More, it's about either concentration or waiting to see what someone's going to say. Sometimes I do it on purpose, sometimes I don't, but either way, it has a tendency to unnerve people.
During the tour, I was focused on BB's explanations of what the different equipment does and I really didn't have many questions. I was business-like instead of chatty, and it had its usual effect. BB started strutting just a bit. He went through a lot of machines and used them to show me how they worked, instead of having me try them. Then, he would make these off-hand comments to impress me, along the lines of "This is how you do it the easy way, and this is how you do it the hard way, which is the way I do it." It was funny. That, and the unsubtle boob glances. I'm well-endowed in the chest area, and am practiced in spotting the boob glance.
I can imagine the internal monologue: This girl isn't really paying me attention like other girls do. *check boobs* But, she's a girl, and I'm so macho. Maybe if I do something else that's tough she'll be impressed.
It was funny. Aside from that, though, I think he's plenty personable and he knows what he's doing, so I expect we'll get along just fine. In the mean time, I've done my first week of my training plan, and have had the fun experience of my muscles being sore from unaccustomed training. Today my abs are mad at me. Very mad. I've got to admit, though, that it feels good to be working out. Right now I'm a wuss and my work out plan reflects that, but you've got to start somewhere.
When I showed up, she introduced me to the guy who'll be working with me. He's about my age and a body builder, which I wasn't expecting - I thought I'd be working with this gal specifically, which was an idea I liked because I wanted a woman. But, in for a penny, in for a pound, right? So, the three of us do a run down of why I'm there and how the whole thing works, then Body Builder took me on a tour of the gym.
The tour was interesting in a way that had nothing at all to do with the gym itself and everything to do with my guide. One aspect of my personality is silence. These days it's not really something that has to do with shyness (though it used to). More, it's about either concentration or waiting to see what someone's going to say. Sometimes I do it on purpose, sometimes I don't, but either way, it has a tendency to unnerve people.
During the tour, I was focused on BB's explanations of what the different equipment does and I really didn't have many questions. I was business-like instead of chatty, and it had its usual effect. BB started strutting just a bit. He went through a lot of machines and used them to show me how they worked, instead of having me try them. Then, he would make these off-hand comments to impress me, along the lines of "This is how you do it the easy way, and this is how you do it the hard way, which is the way I do it." It was funny. That, and the unsubtle boob glances. I'm well-endowed in the chest area, and am practiced in spotting the boob glance.
I can imagine the internal monologue: This girl isn't really paying me attention like other girls do. *check boobs* But, she's a girl, and I'm so macho. Maybe if I do something else that's tough she'll be impressed.
It was funny. Aside from that, though, I think he's plenty personable and he knows what he's doing, so I expect we'll get along just fine. In the mean time, I've done my first week of my training plan, and have had the fun experience of my muscles being sore from unaccustomed training. Today my abs are mad at me. Very mad. I've got to admit, though, that it feels good to be working out. Right now I'm a wuss and my work out plan reflects that, but you've got to start somewhere.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Rules
Army Guy didn't make it to the party, but I saw him again this Wednesday. The original idea was that we'd go out to a comedy club, then he didn't know who the comic was going to be and proposed that he'd make me dinner at his place instead and we could watch a movie. I paused, thought about what that meant, and agreed. (Part of me thinks that this was his plan all along).
Then I called Amanda.
Me: I think I may have done a bad thing.
I filled her in and she made her disappointment clear.
Amanda: What are you thinking?! There are only two reasons why a guy would want to make you dinner, either he's broke or he's planning on getting in your pants.
Me: I know. (Truth is, I hadn't really considered the being broke reason when I agreed)
Amanda: Ugh. Okay, here are the rules. You will, under no circumstances, have sex with him.
Me: Of course not. (I meant it)
Amanda: Kissing is okay, but all clothes will stay on.
Me: Sure. (Less sincerity here)
Amanda: I can't believe you agreed to that. (Pause) You like him, don't you?
Me: Yeah. I do.
When I got to Army Guy's apartment, he had been running late and wasn't prepared to cook, so we went out for dinner. After dinner we started watching the movie. Then we got... distracted. I broke the clothes rule and found out that Army Guy shaves his chest. I stopped him when he went for my belt, though, so I wasn't completely bad.
Then I called Amanda.
Me: I think I may have done a bad thing.
I filled her in and she made her disappointment clear.
Amanda: What are you thinking?! There are only two reasons why a guy would want to make you dinner, either he's broke or he's planning on getting in your pants.
Me: I know. (Truth is, I hadn't really considered the being broke reason when I agreed)
Amanda: Ugh. Okay, here are the rules. You will, under no circumstances, have sex with him.
Me: Of course not. (I meant it)
Amanda: Kissing is okay, but all clothes will stay on.
Me: Sure. (Less sincerity here)
Amanda: I can't believe you agreed to that. (Pause) You like him, don't you?
Me: Yeah. I do.
When I got to Army Guy's apartment, he had been running late and wasn't prepared to cook, so we went out for dinner. After dinner we started watching the movie. Then we got... distracted. I broke the clothes rule and found out that Army Guy shaves his chest. I stopped him when he went for my belt, though, so I wasn't completely bad.
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